Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Do you want to be part of the NEXT BIG THING? I’m pitching a reality TV show, and you’re the perfect name to attach to it!

Here’s the logline: Amateur vampire hunters compete for the title of #1 Fearless Vampire Killer! Sixteen strangers are brought to a spooky, remote mansion/resort. Each week, two must go into the “Sudden Death” Elimination Round, where they fight the Undead! The winner stays in the house, the loser goes home! The fewer the contestants, the tougher the monsters and the higher the stakes! The last competitor standing is declared the winner and gets a huge cash prize! It’s like a video game in real life! The youth demographic will love it!!

Here’s where you come in: You’d be one of our celebrity judges! I see you as the Sarcastic Judge. You’d get to say things like “Yes, he killed it, but his technique is complete rubbish!” and then the Nice Judge (I’m not saying we’ve got Katie Couric on board, but if that’s who you’re thinking, I like it), can say “No, he did a good job!” And the Ethnic Judge (not cast yet) would say something really laid-back and hip. It’s dynamite!!

I know what you’re thinking: somebody’s going to get hurt! Not to worry! We’ve got a special safety team, and they’ll make sure none of the contestants are injured. And everyone signs an ironclad waiver anyway, so it’s cool.

What do you say? I’ve got a top network exec interested, and if we get you on board, I bet they’ll greenlight this, stat. It’s currently called “Untitled Undead Project,” but I’m pushing for “The Ultimate Xtreme Vampire Hunter.” Catchy, right? It’s so you!! Should I have My People call your Minions?

-- Sam, Studio City, California

Dear Sam,
Would that "Top Network Exec" happen to be Pongo the chimpanzee? If it is, tell him I said "Hi!"

As for the show, let me be clear: NO.

Despite your exhausting use of exclamation marks, I'm not so impressed. However, I believe I understand why you think this would be popular. If television viewers will watch a group of annoying narcissists squabble in a locked house for three months, they should love a similar show where the egomaniacs get to kill things. Seems perfect for TV, right? But the Undead were once living people, so exploiting them is unethical, immoral, and just plain wrong. Wait; you're in television, so you probably don't understand what that means. Let me put it in terms you'll comprehend: It won't get the numbers.

I doubt you have any sense of history, but this isn't the first "fun undead" show. Back in the 1960's, there was the British "Zombie's Holiday!" gameshow (soon followed by the American version, which wasn't as good). Both shows suffered from the same problems you'll encounter:

First, it won't be rich enough for those people who love horror and fantasy fiction. They want forbidden realms, far horizons and stalwart heroes battling squamous, octopoid monstrosities. These viewers think of the reality-show egomaniacs as the sort of people they tried to avoid in high school, and won't watch a bunch of prats poking a zombie with a stick (unless there's a good chance the zombie could win, of course).

Second, your main audience, those who actually like reality TV, won't believe it's reality. They'll assume that the ghouls, zombies and vampires are just stunt people with makeup, and if they're fake, then the rest of the show must be fake as well. And they wouldn't want to believe anything else. When the show's over and they get into bed and turn off the light, they'd make the connection that if those monsters on TV were real, then vampires actually exist. And there must be more out there. In the dark. Hungry, hungry vampires....

You see the problem? Your potential audience is self-excluding. Most people will tune out because they're only comfortable having TV make them worry whether their breath is fresh or if their dandruff shampoo is working. They don't want to question whether there are things in the night not dreamt of in their philosophies. If people wanted TV to make them think, Public Broadcasting would be king.

I confess, I wouldn't mind meeting Katie Couric. Is she really as nice as she seems? I bet she is. But the answer's still no.

I know this sounds like the industry euphemism for "go away and never talk to me again," but I mean it when I say: Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch