Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I have a plan to prove I am the world’s greatest Evil Fencing Master: A Tournament to the Death!

Of course, I won’t tell the others that bouts are to the fatal for the loser until after they’ve arrived on my remote private island, where they’ll have no choice but to fight. I will gather the best of the best swordsmen, in all disciplines, and have them fight until only one is left. Then they must fight me! I am expert with all types of blades, but I am most amazing with the saber. Once I defeat him (or her; I’m equal-opportunity), then I will be the undisputed World Champion! Bwa-ha-ha-ha! I’ve already sent out invitations.

Is it not a brilliant plan? Tell me how evil my genius is!

-- Master R. Popinjay, from my remote private island.

Dear Popinjay,
Right. I’m sure you think this is a good idea, and snaps for being a non-discriminatory Froot Loop®. However, I urge you to reconsider. Tournaments to-the-death rarely work out as planned! They are a lot more complex than dropping outsider ants into your ant farm back at Evil Prep School or hazing pledges for an evil fraternity.

If you do go through with this, you’ll probably be killed by a plucky underdog who has something to prove and/or vengeance on his (or her) mind. That’s how these things go, and why permanent-elimination tournaments have fallen out of favor. Think about it: How many fatal competitions have you read about in the papers or seen on the TV news lately? Everyone who has organized one is dead, so there’s never a “Second Annual” event.

The only terminal tournament to do the world any good was sponsored by the late Evilmo the Clown. In one weekend he eliminated dozens of the world’s worst evil clowns in a no-slapstick-barred frenzy of zany mayhem. Later, he and 29 of his henchmen were ironically crushed to death when the world’s largest giant novelty cream-pie billboard fell on their Mini-Cooper, and coulrophobics everywhere breathed a sigh of relief.

So if you really want to have a world championship tournament, go ahead, but don’t be killing off your competitors! If you’re as good as you say you are, you’ll win. If you’re not, you can still invite everyone back next year for a rematch.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

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