Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Dozens of clowns are showing up in my subway station! What should I do?

I'm a sworn officer for a mass-transit system in a large US city (I'd rather not say which one). My job is generally the same every shift; watching for toll jumpers and randomly harassing people. An exciting day is when I cite someone for smoking.

So, this morning started out all normal, but then a clown showed up on the platform. I didn't think much of it until another arrived. Then another. They kept coming, and now there's twenty-seven of them! The weird thing is that they're not talking to each other or doing clown stuff. They're just standing around, like everyone else, waiting for the train.

This is bad, right? I'm thinking I should call for back up, maybe even the Riot Squad. If I don't do something quick, they might get on the next train! Who knows what will go down? They've got to be breaking some law, and I'd better stop them! Right?

-- Officer X, from a subway station

Dear Officer X,
Whoa! Calm down there, Bucky! I realize that being a modern cop is difficult, but what the hell? They're just standing around, and you want to bring in the Riot Squad? I'd hate to see what you do to graffitists! Take a few deep breaths, and let's put that response away in the box marked "Overreactions," okay?

So what's the real problem here? To me, it sounds as if something unusual is happening, and you don't like it. I suspect you'd love to be the hero who prevents a disaster, but wading into the crowd, swinging your truncheon is undoubtedly the wrong response. Let's look at several likely reasons for this scenario and the appropriate actions you should take in each case:

Possible Cause #1: Coincidence. Do you recall the Great Santa-Claus Debacle of 1987? Probably not. One sunny July morning, seventy-three Santa Claus impersonators converged at a large municipal Petting Zoo. None of them knew the others would be there; the gathering was a complete coincidence (statisticians have calculated the odds at 83,721,455-to-1 against, but since it hadn't ever happened during the previous 229,216 years, we were due). Not knowing how else to respond, the local constabulary bludgeoned and arrested the lot, severely traumatizing hundreds of children who witnessed the mayhem (these children are now all adults who experience stress whenever they visit with their families at the holidays). Needless to say, the city's apology didn't stem the tide of expensive, punitive lawsuits.

Best Response to Coincidence: Observe, but do nothing if they do nothing.

Possible Cause #2: Performance Art. Despite the fervent wish by the police that all citizens would never vary from their dull, predictable routines, there are those Artistic Persons who gain amusement from engaging in silly and unusual behavior. The greatest risk from such Street Theater is some slightly-shaken community complacency and perhaps an angry Letter to the Editor from some curmudgeon, ranting about Kids These Days. Is that worth getting worked up about?

Best Response to Performance Art: Again, observe. Are they really being disorderly? Are they actually interfering with the morning commute? I'd bet a box of doughnuts that bringing in a squad to round up the clowns would be far more disruptive than merely leaving them alone. Not only is it a waste of time and resources to arrest them, but it exposes the city to lawsuits. And seriously, a huge overreaction to a harmless prank makes you look like a total Nimrod.

Possible Cause #3: Cover for some Evil Plan. "Finally!" you think, "Here's something to respond to!" Well, not exactly. One of the disadvantages of having a Procedural Book to go by is that it makes you predictable. If this event is indeed the brainchild of some Nefarious Genius, then he or she is counting on you to overreact and cause a huge distraction. This is comparable to a magician waving his right hand to keep the audience from noticing that his left hand is stuffing a pigeon down his pants. If you make a big fuss, you'll be doing exactly what they want you to do.

Best Response to Distraction: Observe, but don't just watch the clowns! Look for that pigeon-stuffing left hand, probably off in the opposite direction. If you must call for back-up, have them stay out of sight until something happens that would require their assistance.

I certainly don't have time to give you the full "Dr. Eldritch's Everything a Law-Enforcement Officer Should Know About the Extraordinary" course here, but in short, Evil Schemes are universally developed expecting an unimaginative response by the authorities. By declining to behave predictably, you throw the Bad Guys off balance, giving you an advantage. Plus, while their plans will have a robust strategy against heavy-handed conventional force, they tend to be quite vulnerable to a solo, fly-in-the-ointment counter-offensive. This is why superheroes do so well against Evil Geniuses.

If you want to be a hero, you need to act like a hero. You'll notice that heroes do not typically beat the crap out of harmless clowns. Nor are they prone to saying "I didn't know what to expect, but thank goodness I behaved like an officious bureaucrat!" So think. Nobody ever expects that.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch