Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I'm an account representative for a large corporation, with a reasonable mortgage on a nice house in the suburbs, a wife, two kids, ages 8 and 5, and a golden retriever. My life is orderly and great, but that's not why I'm writing. The only trouble spot is my little brother, a genius who plans on stealing a nuclear warhead from a traveling grade-school exhibit to blackmail the world for billions. He'd then use his ill-gotten gains to build an unlawful empire dedicated to crime and hedonistic living. If this plan fails, he's figured out exactly how many kilotons to detonate in order to obscure just enough of the world to make it chilly and unpleasant, not really a winter, more of a "Nuclear Late Autumn." He's already positioned to sell lead-lined parkas and snowsuits of his own design to the survivors. I'm really glad he's moved out of our parent's basement, but I think he'd do better devoting all this ambition and effort to getting a regular job. How can I talk him out of his evil scheme?

-- Rod in St. Paul, MN

Dear Rod,
Annoying, isn't it? You work hard to make your life perfect, and that one relative who just can't get it together throws it all off. Family can be so vexing. You're right that you should do something, but one of the problems with Evil Geniuses is that they never listen to logic. If he did, he wouldn't be attempting nuclear extortion, an exploit known for consistent failure. His egomaniacal narcissism has convinced him that this time will be different. He believes he's the only one who can figure out the foolproof plan that will lead to world domination. Right.

So you can't just sit him down, give him a good talking-to, and have him see the error of his ways. I realize it may be an unfair assumption based on your return address, but I'd guess we're heading into unfamiliar territory here; You must address his "emotional needs." His drive to humiliate, dominate, or incinerate the world comes from some emotional trauma suffered as a child. Typically, the root cause is being deprived of a favorite plush animal toy during a crucial developmental phase. Did you steal Mr. Snuffums as a childish prank, unwittingly sending your brother on a path of global mayhem? Nice going.

Here's your chance to redeem yourself: Look in the Yellow Pages for an intervention counselor specializing in World-Domination Psychosis. You'll achieve the best results if the whole family's involved. Get Little Brother away from his extortion-minded cohorts. The urgency of the situation justifies having your mother lay on a world-class guilt trip about how he never comes to visit. If by some bizarre twist that doesn't work, just kidnap him.

Under the direction of your intervention counselor, you'll rebuild the missing familial bond with Little Brother. Give him lots of love and attention. Let him pick fun activities for all of you to do together. Build healthy relationship with your parents. Play board games. Go sledding. Talk about your feelings. Don't call him names, tease or punch him, and don't lecture him, no matter how much you think it will do him good. Encourage him to open up. If at all possible, determine the specific cause of his childhood trauma and reconcile it. Don't underestimate this; the US invasion of the tiny island of Grenada could have been prevented if a certain President had recovered his favorite childhood blanket in later life.

All of this may feel unfamiliar and frightening, but it's much better than the alternatives. Don't wait! The more he has invested in his scheme, the harder it will be to win him back. When international spies infiltrate his organization to recover the nukes and "neutralize" him, it's far too late. (If that happens, don't be standing too close when his fortress/hideout start to crumble.) If your family can open up and talk about your feelings, you'll help him, and possibly save the world. Doesn't that seem a small price to pay?

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch