Dear Dr. Eldritch,
These frat guys dared me and a bunch of my friends to, like, spend a night in this abandoned sorority house, and we’re doing it now, and everything was fine, but then we started hearing these noises, y’know, and a couple girls went to check it out, and they didn’t come back, so we like went looking for them, and now I can’t find anybody, and I’ve like heard a few screams, so I’m getting really scared. What should I do?

-- Caitlin in Des Moines

Dear Caitlin,
WHAT were you THINKING? Didn’t it occur to you that the house was abandoned for a reason? Just club yourself with a blunt object now and get it over with.

Wait, sorry! Don’t do that. I’m just stunned that anybody is clueless enough to end up in this situation anymore. I’ll be honest, your odds aren’t good, but it’s not hopeless. Find a safe corner to hunker in for a moment, and let’s review your options and plan of attack. There are many mistakes you can make, all with seriously unfortunate consequences.

Let’s assume that a psycho-killer is wandering this abandoned sorority house, and your friends have met their untimely ends in a variety of gruesome ways. There are other possible explanations, such as vengeful ghosts or demonic possession, but those are comparatively rare. I’m also assuming that you have no cell phone to summon help, the power’s gone out, and the building is very dark with inexplicable patches of light. This is normal.

First, I hope you didn’t have sex on the premises. If you did, I don’t think there’s anything I can tell you that will keep you alive.

Second, you need a weapon. Find the most lethal item you can. A tennis racquet is deadly if you’ve got Xena-like muscles, but I’ve never met anyone named Caitlin with a truly bone-crushing overhand smash. Sharp and pointy are better than blunt. Weapons that shoot bullets, flame, or particle beams are best. Take a tip from video games: Upgrade weaponry as you go. When you come across something better than what you’re carrying, pick it up! There’s nothing stupider (yeah, I know that’s not a word) than wielding a bowling trophy when swords are hanging on the wall behind you. If possible, keep what you had before, in case you lose the new item. If someone, either a friend or an attacker, drops a good weapon, take it.

Third, plan your escape route. “Outside” isn’t synonymous with “Safety,” but the level of risk is substantially lower than inside. I hope you’re near the ground floor. An attic is risky, but offers some escape possibilities. If you’re in the basement, well, let’s just say that’s quite bad. Wherever you are, you need to reach an egress point... Sorry: I mean, you want, like, a “door.” Get outside, and then flee as fast as you can. Don’t just go home! Get to a police station, military base, or nearby missile silo.

Fourth, don’t trust any ordinary-looking guys, even if they say they’ll lead you to safety. An ordinary guy will either accidentally lead you to the killer and then get killed himself, or turn out to be the psycho. If someone with scars and an eyepatch like an ex-commando says he’s there to help, you can trust him. He might look scary, but your new warrior-buddy probably has the skills to terminate an armed psychopath.

Okay, are you ready? Time to follow your planned escape route, picking up weapons as you go. If your first option is blocked, just head for the next closest exit. Don’t panic and start pounding on the door, screaming. You want to stay under the radar, not draw him to you.

Now stay calm as I tell you this next bit: You are going to run into the psycho, probably before you leave the building.

I know, that’s not what you want to hear, but someone in your situation isn’t going to have the lottery-winner kind of luck needed to avoid him. Since this may be your first tactical encounter, here are some tips:
Remain calm. If you flee, shrieking, he’ll just have more fun.
Face him, let him get within range of your weapon, then attack, hard.
When he falls, don’t just drop your weapon and run! He’ll get up, you’ll be unarmed, and it’s not a happy ending. Once he’s down, you need to ensure he can’t get up again. Decapitation’s good.

When you think you’ve killed him, kill him again! Do it before he has the chance to pop up and lunge at you one last time. (They always do that!) Use his own weapons on him, that’s a nice ironic touch.

Ordinary people can triumph in extraordinary circumstances, if they refuse to be victims. I know this is a horrible, traumatic experience, but if you keep cool and properly neutralize your adversary, you’ll be able to tell a nice therapist all about it later.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch