Dear Dr. Eldritch,
My uncle's invention shrank me down to 2" tall, and I don't know how to get back to normal! I must have your help!

Today, I come to visit the sister of my father and her husband, my Uncle Alexei. He showed his latest project to make ultra-tiny microcomputers. He puts regular computer in huge machine he calls "Shrinkatron." This reduces it to 1/33rd of original size. (He says it works very well, except after he must view the screen with magnifying glass and click the mouse buttons with tweezers.)

We enter his workshop in barn, to make an experiment with notebook computer. He prepared to see how small he could shrink it, when big men with guns burst in! They chase Uncle Alexei, and I hide in Shrinkatron. He could not escape. As they took him from the barn, the machine turned on! I passed out. When I woke, I am 2" tall!

It is good that notebook computer has wireless card, so I could send you email. I must find my uncle, rescue him and return to normal size. Please help me to do all this!

-- Matryoshka, near Zumbrota, Minnesota

Dear Matryoshka,
For a moment there, I thought you had a real problem! Wait, sorry. That probably came across as insensitive. I know this is the worst day of your life, but I've seen a lot of these situations, and it's not as bad as it appears.

You're experiencing a fairly standard "Scientist Rescue" scenario. Your adversary is a powerful and unscrupulous person who wishes to use your uncle's invention for his own nefarious purposes (I suspect a Marketing Director for a telecommunications company, trying make cell phones smaller than a pixie's dibble*. If I'm wrong, I'll send you a Box of Doughnuts). You'll be fine if you remember the four basic rules for this situation:

1. Everything you require to locate and recover your uncle is around you, or will appear just as you need it.

2. Your opponent will have many people to do his bidding, but only one will be particularly competent. They'll all be terrible shots.

3. Once your uncle is rescued, you must get out quickly when your enemy's hideout starts to collapse, burn, explode and/or sink into a swamp.

4. The success of your mission will be made possible by the very condition that you're suffering from. In other words, you'll face a problem that can only be solved by someone 2" tall.

Have you considered what happens after your adventure? I find that a far more interesting question. Rather than rushing to be restored to your previous size, I encourage you to try living with your new stature for a while. Once you're no longer in "emergency mode," you may find you enjoy being tiny. Think of the advantages; one hamburger could feed you for weeks, less than one month's rent for a normal-sized human can buy you an entire furnished house, and nobody will ever ask you to help them move.

And don't think the only jobs for a 2" person are in the film industry or circus sideshow. Many opportunities are available to Extremely Little People, such as running wiring in existing walls, inspecting pipelines for interior damage, corporate or international espionage, training performing mice, and art criticism. (An advice-columnist of lesser character would make a proctology joke at this point, which you'll notice that I'm not doing.) And don't ignore the lucrative world of inscribing literature onto grains of rice!

The point is, don't reject your new circumstances merely because they are strange and unfamiliar. You know the stories where the protagonist is in a situation much better than his or her origin, yet spends the entire time trying to go back? My dislike for them is so well known that I'm no longer allowed into theatrical showings of "The Wizard of Oz." "No place like home," HA!

Many people search all their lives for something to make them stand out from the millions of other ordinary people around them. Being different is challenging, but if you embrace it, an exciting world of unusual experiences open up to you! Before you have Uncle Alexei invent a "Growinator" to return you to original dimensions, think hard about what you're giving up. The grass may be normal-sized on the other side of the fence, but it's only as exciting as routine mowing, watering, and semi-annual fertilizing. Are you sure you'll find that more satisfying than what you've got?

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch