Dear Dr. Eldritch,
    I write you from the deepest abyss of suffering; I am trapped in a hellish existence not of my own making, without recourse or end. I long for the termination of my dolor, and have many times taken up the bare bodkin to shuffle off this mortal coil, but am cursed with just enough spiritual doubt to prevent self-destruction. I turn to you for succor, that my misery may be abated.

What causes me such torment? I have a human form, but I am not human. I am a creation; like a golem of flesh, I have been constructed from dead bodies stolen from the grave and animated by a demented genius. Concerned only with his self-glorification, he neglected to consider how I might experience this ungodly awakening. I tried to articulate the swirling tempest of emotions raging through my being, but in vain. He never attempted to understand, merely labored to control me, treating me as a possession, not as a sentient but frightened being. Much to my shame and regret, I lashed out violently, and he has gone to the great unknown where I crave to follow.

Since then, I have wandered the earth, fruitlessly seeking comfort in this world, desiring release to the next, yet fearing that transition. Everyone I meet flees from me in terror, or pursues me with torches and pitchforks. How do you humans survive from day to day? Life is an unending travail of pain and misery. My component parts once lived naturally and must have coexisted with others, but this artificial existence is met only with fear and rejection.

What can I do? Must I become a recluse, enduring each day in solitude until taken by the sweet escape of Death? I am not a monster (and please, don't use the "F" word, I'm so SICK of hearing that)! How can I find acceptance?

-- Don't Call Me Frank

Dear Not-Frank,
   I'm not a reanimated patchwork of bygone body parts, so I can only imagine what it must be like, but I would think, in the patois of today's youth, that it sucks. You have my sincere sympathy.

With that said, I would suggest you consider the possibility that Life is NOT the steaming pile you find it to be. Obviously, you've had a bad time, and aren't exactly receiving a warm welcome by the general population. You feel misunderstood, outcast, and alone. Well, guess what? LOTS of people experience this. For most of them, It's called High School.

Every year, thousands of young people become teenagers and realize that the world is divided into two camps: Those who are of average ability, looks, intelligence, and socio-economic background (the "Normals"); and Those Who are Not (the "Others"). Fortunately these Others, the socially awkward, disaffected, unattractive, insecure, artistic, intellectual, poetic, weird, warped or just plain geeky teenagers*, find refuge in the tolerant and accepting realm of science-fiction/fantasy fandom. This is your new home, where outlandish costumes are commonplace, social-ineptitude is overlooked and fluency in fictitious languages revered.

Here's what you do: Get a publicist that specializes in alternate entertainment celebrities. Have him or her book you for a few interviews, and watch the invitations to speak at conventions pour in! In the "Real World" you've been hated and feared, in the Fandom Universe, you will attain celebrity status beyond your wildest dreams. Don't believe me? Your very existence affirms that there is a world beyond suburban teen hell. You'll have to fight them off with a pitchfork.

As a side note, your Life-Is-Misery attitude will be very popular with the Goth crowd. Since you actually have justification for your angst, they'll be hooked faster than if you were a heroin latte. Just remember to continue the act once you find yourself loved and accepted, or your fans might risk seeing that they could choose to be happy. The last thing you want to do is push aside the curtain of self-delusion for your audience!

As your schedule gets busier, be sure to include some down time. You could find yourself yearning for the simplicity of the solitude you currently experience. Check back with me in a year or so. By then, you may find this long strange trip is not so bad, after all.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

* Before my readers send angry mail: Not all of those affiliated with the "Other" group are social misfits. Some are merely bright, healthy people who get along better with the Others than the Normals. You know who you are.