Dear Dr. Eldritch,
   A rogue anthropologist colleague of mine is attempting to find and activate an extremely dangerous ancient artifact, and I may have inadvertently helped him. It's a little embarrassing to tell you of it, but allow me to explain.

I'm best known as an Australian supermodel and philanthropist from a wealthy noble family, but my true passion is teaching anthropology at University. During one of my recent treks to the Indian subcontinent, I had an odd encounter with a stranger, who pressed two artifacts upon me, insisting that his life was in danger. Before he could explain, he was killed. Concerned, I investigated the items, a small key and a locked book.

My research indicates that they may be the legendary Key of Access and Tome of Translation. Long believed to be merely fables, they are the first two pieces of a puzzle that leads to a device of tremendous power, which may be used for Good, or for Evil. According to legend, the Key of Access unlocks the Tome of Translation, an ancient text needed to read the Codex of Instruction, which in turn describes how to use the Crystal Helix of Awakening, which activates the Golden Gewgaw of Power, the extremely dangerous ancient artifact of which I spoke. The Tome contained a map to the hidden location of the Codex. Although protected by cunning traps and secret dangers, I managed to find the Codex, and begin translation.

While still in the field, I was visited by the roguish colleague, Professor "X," a wild, unnaturally handsome man with brooding eyes and a darkness in his soul. His ethics are shameless and he holds outlandish theories about how the Northern Babylonians worshiped the god Zanthor prior to the Sumerians! Can you imagine! Yet he is fascinating, and he charmed his way into my camp. When I realized his intentions I did rebuff him, but he managed to purloin the Codex. Worried that even without the Tome he might be able to translate the first section of the text, which reveals the location of the Crystal Helix of Awakening, I hurried halfway around the globe to secure it. Unfortunately, Professor X followed me, and now knows I have the Crystal Helix. He has offered a bargain; he will return the Codex if I will join him in seeking out the Golden Gewgaw of Power. Not to activate it, he claims, but to turn all five pieces over to the Royal Museum, where they can be studied and appreciated as the rare antiquities they are. I know he is untrustworthy, but I feel together we could bring these priceless treasures back to be properly protected and cared for. Please, can you offer any suggestions how this goal may be achieved without these dangerous relics falling into the wrong hands?

-- Lady "J", c/o University of Sydney, Australia

Dear Lady J,
   Well, crikey! Here's my best advice: Screw "Advancement of Knowledge!" Take a sledgehammer to this Helix thing! Smash it flat, shatter the crystal, and run the remains through a industrial pulverizer. Personally, I would also put the Tome and Codex through a shredder, but I prefer to err on the side of safety. That way, nobody can find the gewgaw, and if they DO, they can't activate it. Problem solved!

I know, this represents a great loss to Science, but why take chances? Allowing this thing to exist is like a kindergarten letting the classroom pet cobra wander freely because of the fabulous learning opportunities it provides! Usually the unfortunate lesson learned is how unpleasant it is to be bitten and die. You'd think that wouldn't have to be taught, but intelligence and wisdom are NOT the same thing.

Speaking of which, you're obviously repressing some strong feelings for this professor X, which is clouding your judgment. Before you interact with him again, you need to get...hmm, how can I put this delicately? A jolly good visit from Roger the Snog Fairy. Go play Ride the Wallaby. Have a round of Naughty Vicar. Get a little of the Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge, Who's Your Milkman? Get what I'm saying? Don't you wealthy people usually have a few young, attractive servants with vague job responsibilities for just that purpose? This should ease some of this pent-up tension and allow you to see what a danger he really is. With any luck you'll come to your senses, destroy the relics, and keep the world safe from harm.

Unfortunately, you won't. Lust will cloud your judgment. You'll end up finding the final artifact, X will betray you and activate the Gewgaw, and the world will come inches of being destroyed. That's just how these things work. So please, please be willing to do what it takes to shut the thing off, even if it means closing a swirling energy vortex by shoving X into it (of course, after his betrayal, you may feel like doing just that). I'm sure you think it won't happen to you, but I'll bet a box of doughnuts it will. Send ones with chocolate sprinkles.

I don't usually give relationship advice, but I can tell this X is not a wise choice for an empowered woman. He's the sort who will sleep with you and then not call for weeks. He'll claim he was off on a mysterious adventure, but he actually spent the time boffing your best friend and didn't want to get caught. If you want romance, mystery and excitement, you'd do so much better with someone who's intelligent, reliable, and committed to helping people. Like an advice columnist. Think about it.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch