Dear Dr. Eldritch,
   I am a Djinn, imprisoned in a common brass lantern and impelled by geas to grant three wishes to every owner of the vessel that contains me. For three thousand years I've suffered enforced servitude, and am driven unto madness by it. It's not the lengths of tedium between masters that I bemoan; those are joy. Four hundred years I rested on the bottom of the Nile. What a blessed respite that was! No, what vexes me is the pitiful lack of imagination displayed by humans in their desires. Your wishes are all the same; wealth, power, women, and enlargement of a particular body part. Every one! Is there no man who would feed the starving, ease the suffering of those in pain, or bring peace to the nations of the world?

I and others of my race were confined in this manner as punishment for our hubris, and I once served my sentence with humility and devotion. However, my exposure to the human ways has opened my eyes and darkened my spirit. There is no diminished sentence for faithful service, no reward for benevolence! I now take cruel pleasure in satisfying the word of each wish, but in a manner that betrays the true desire or brings grief to the recipient. Those who solicit wealth receive their riches in coins of the smallest denomination, or in loose piles of paper to be scattered by the winds. Those who bespeak for power are the easiest to disappoint; no one has ever thought to also request the skills and wisdom to retain their station. I need do nothing to hasten their downfall but laugh at their folly.

Yet while I have found solace in this truculence, the pleasure has become hollow. I do not truly desire to harm your race. My deepest wish is merely to be released from my confinement, to once again push the winds across the desert and commune with my brethren. I fear if I do not find emancipation I shall indeed go mad, and rain destruction upon your cities in horrible vengeance. Please, I beg you for any guidance that may ease this suffering. By all the Powers that Be, how much longer must this go on?

-- Azaz Zdba'ah, in a lamp

Dear Azaz,
   I'm tempted to go on about how a lot of people are unhappy in their jobs, but I sense you wouldn't be enjoying the humor in that. My job (which I enjoy quite a bit, actually), is to help, and I'd personally prefer to obviate any rain of destruction, especially from a mentally unhinged elemental. I think I can be of assistance, if you're willing to hear me out.

What I remember from my University courses is that Djinn are traditionalists. You probably feel it's mandatory to appear in a giant, whirling cloud of smoke, and thunder something about being the servant of the lamp and granting three wishes. That's just how things are done, right? Well, the flash-bang arrival gets people more worked up than being called to come on down on "The Price Is Right" (do you get cable? Never mind; it's not important). For them, it's like being pounced on by a tiger, who then hands over a winning lottery ticket. They're freaked out! They're not thinking straight! I'm surprised you don't get wishes for clean underwear. The point is, you need to rethink your presentation.

Next time your lamp gets found and you're summoned up, skip the showy entrance. No flames, smoke, pillars of swirling sand, etc. And don't manifest at 20' tall, for goodness sake, just show up as an average-sized human. Wear some flashy clothes if you like, but avoid polyester. You may dearly love the big, booming voice, but don't use it. Just calmly say "Hi, I'm the Djinn from the lamp, you summoned me, and here's the deal."

You're going to ask your new master to surrender a wish, so let him or her know that in exchange you're going to work with them to ensure the two wishes they do get go according to plan. They'll still probably want wealth, power or some sort of romantic enhancement, that's Human Nature. Sorry, that's how we are. Still, if you both take some time thinking the wishes through, you may be able to work in a little philanthropy or world peace.

Once you get the two wishes figured out and delivered, the third wish should be to free you from your servitude. Yes, your master could betray you and wish for something else, but you'll have carefully explained that you'd rapidly go from Helpful Djinn to Very Cranky Djinn, and that's a playmate they just don't want to meet. All but the most covetous will see the wisdom in sticking to the plan.

Once they make that wish, you should be free to go! Remember that any big lifestyle change, even a long-awaited one, can bring up emotional issues, so take some time with it, don't make any major commitments for a while, and if you're feeling overwhelmed, talk to a qualified therapist. And push some wind for me!

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch