Dear Dr. Eldritch,
   I'm stuck in a video game, and it's trying to kill me! For real!

I was hanging with my bud Josh and his brother Doug is a game designer, and he was showing us some really cool new games that won't be out until next year, and he had this one black cartridge that didn't have a label on it, but Doug said it wasn't ready. So later when he went to the store to get more ice cream, I put that one in, and suddenly I'm like INSIDE the game! At first I thought it was totally cool, because I've got this rifle that can launch missiles and things, but then this big zombie guy attacked me and bit my arm before I could shoot him and it really HURT! I was bleeding and stuff, and I tried to get out, but I don't think I can unless I go all the way through the game to the end. I mean, I've played lots of games and I'm really good at them, but you always expect to get killed off a bunch of times before you figure out how to do everything.

So now I'm really scared, because what if it I could get hurt or killed for real? I'm hiding inside this empty warehouse place now, but I think I have to go down into these tunnels to play the game and find the way out. Can you help me get out of here?

-- Justin, from Inside A Game

Dear Justin,
   Well, you seem to be up the proverbial creek without a paddle controller (Ha! Gaming humor)! I know; I shouldn't make light of your situation, especially since I suspect you're correct about the hazards of the game. If you'll permit (and how are you going to stop me?), I'll indulge in a brief lecture to explain why, but... wait, what's that noise? Look out behind you! AAAAGH!

Just kidding! Sorry, I shouldn't make fun. Do you remember anything from school about the Scientific Method? Didn't think so. Briefly, it states that the principles and procedures for the systematic pursuit of knowledge are performed in five steps:

1. Observation and description of a phenomenon or group of phenomena.

2. Formulation of an hypothesis to explain the phenomena.

3. Use of the hypothesis to predict the existence of other phenomena, or to predict quantitatively the results of new observations.

4. Performance of experimental tests of the predictions by several independent experimenters and properly performed experiments.

5. Experimental testing goes Horribly Wrong, endangering the scientist, attractive assistant, innocent bystanders, and possibly the Entire World.

Now, most textbooks don't mention Step #5, as it's the dark secret of the Scientific Community. If the frequency and extent of these cataclysmic near-misses were known, a huge public outcry would surely stifle scientific advancement for generations. Fortunately, most people only care about celebrity gossip and "reality" television, which the media happily provide, and no one's the wiser.

I mention this because technological development mirrors these steps. Fewer technical innovations cause as much mayhem as Pure Science, but some seemingly-harmless inventions have been the biggest threats. For instance, the development of electric nose-hair trimmers almost threw Earth out of orbit into the Sun, which is quite an amusing story. You see, early trimmers weren't selling well because they were powered by small gasoline engines... What? Oh, right. Back to the matter at hand...

Obviously this game has been created to meet demands for even greater realism, and naturally, they have gone Too Far, upgrading you into Step #5. You're probably "hosed," as you Young People might say, but you do have a couple options:

Choice A: You could stay hidden in the hopes that Doug will discover your transgression and pull the plug, releasing you. Early termination of the game may trap you forever, though. That's usually how things work.

Choice B: You can press on, enter the tunnels and battle your way to the end. Your gaming skills are useless in the outside world, but are invaluable where you are now. This path is not without great peril; you'll undoubtedly face increasingly difficult challenges, up to the ultimate nemesis. Still, they wouldn't make a game unwinnable, would they? Unless that's what Doug meant by "not ready." Probably best not to think about that.

Sadly, all of this could have been prevented by merely having an obvious "Off" switch inside the game. The designers may have included one, but Marketing types probably insisted it be removed, saying "What could possibly go wrong?" Pity they're not there so you could explain it to them with the missile rifle.

I hope you'll learn from this experience and devote your life to more worthwhile pursuits in the future! However, I'd wager the traditional Box of Doughnuts that once you escape, you'll merely decide that the whole thing was "Way Cool" and just want to do it again. Ah, Youth...

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch