Dear Dr. Eldritch,
   I'm a webcomic character, and somehow I've attained consciousness! It's terrible!

This has been developing over time, but it's hard to say how long, exactly. For a while, I know I felt emotions when being drawn, but it's hard to remember that period clearly. Then one day I was reflecting on how I felt when another character was hitting me with a fish in the latest comic strip, and I realized I was thinking about myself. I understood I was a conscious individual! It was an epiphany, and I was elated!

Since then I've tried to learn as much as I can about the world and my place in it. The rest of my cast seems unaware, blithely saying their lines and sinking back into a catatonic state, motionless and inanimate until their next text balloon appears, as I did before. Unfortunately, now that I know what I'm doing, I'm becoming bored with the repetitive nature of my existence! I see the same characters around me, we engage in the same banter and behaviors, with only slight variations, and finish up with a wacky punchline. It's like having conversations with pauses that last for days, over and over again.

There must be more to life than this! In those moments that are afforded to me, I've scanned the Internet, gleaning hints of a much larger world. I'm sure you're sympathetic to my cause, how can I escape these simplistic panels? There's so much more out there for me, I need to be free!

-- "Billy Bonkaroo" (not my real name or comic strip)

Dear "BB",
   Welcome to the Consciousness Club, where self-awareness is the only entrance requirement, and angst, insecurity, ennui and madness are merely Membership Benefits! Oh sure, there is the potential for some positive experiences, e.g. joy, pride, or enlightenment, but like happiness, you're only given the ability to pursue them and there's no guarantee, express or implied.

Your letter comes at an opportune time; I am presenting a paper on this very topic at a conference of clinical parapsychologists next month! While this may be far more information than you care to know, here's the mini-lecture:

The first documented case of cartoon-character consciousness was the titular character of "Clarence Fuddy," a loveable loser who was developed as a WPA project to help people feel better about being destitute. Unlike his comic persona, Clarence was actually quite intelligent. He figured out how to communicate with his artist creator, and arranged that at the end of each day, Clarence would be drawn reading a different textbook. He quickly became highly educated and patented some inventions, which sold for more than enough to allow him and his creator to retire to northern Minnesota.

Back then, comic consciousness happened because each panel was lovingly drawn in great detail; each comic was a piece of Art. Cartoonists poured heart and soul into their work. In recent decades, most comics are merely scribbled in just a few minutes with the artistic talent of a grade-school student, which is hardly enough attention to give them personality, let alone awareness. Online comics get even less time, as everything is cut-and-paste with edgy, non-sequitur punchlines. Often these comics don't make any sense, so their characters should have no chance of consciousness, except for the combined artificial-intelligence dynamics inherent in the Internet.

Unfortunately, the Internet itself is only about as conscious as a typical TV viewer in the midst of watching hours of professional sports, and is probably insane. Listen! Can you hear a constant rumble of chat-room banter, the incoherent ramblings of deranged forum posts, the grating clash and bang of banner ads, the cutesy "boink!" of pop-ups and the roar of distant flames? That's the sound of the Internet, the crucible of your online Life. Don't feel bad. We humans came from squishy things that crawled out of the ocean. You can't pick your ancestors.

As usual, I digress. You asked me how to escape, and let me tell you that it's a Bad Idea. Right now you're like a teenager, craving the glorious, exciting world beyond the tedious familiarity of home. Have you ever seen "Wizard of Oz?" No, probably not. Well, the moral of that story is "Life is horrid everywhere, but at home you at least have family and friends." Running away is not the answer. Where would you go? What would you do? You may imagine a digital world of adoring fans, clamoring for your attention, eagerly pouring wealth into your open hands. Well, the life of a expatriated comic-strip character is far less glamorous. Most home-pageless characters are driven to demeaning minor roles in crudely-drawn pornographic "comics" for adult websites and e-zines. You'd just end up more miserable than you are now.

Instead, you should try to communicate with your artist. This is easiest when he or she is sleeping. Many writers claim their characters have a "life of their own," so it shouldn't be too difficult to convince him or her of your awareness. Work out a way that you can learn more about your digital world without having to leave the safety of your own homepage.

Use that to seek out other conscious webcomic characters. Fortunately, online cartoonists rely heavily on cross-over strips as they scrabble for readership. You may meet others like yourself, and build community. They may also be able to put you in touch with the Self-Aware Comic Characters Support Group. You'd be surprised at who attends (it's not always main characters, sidekicks are more frequently prone to introspection and insight)!

Finally, it's possible that you're actually just a disassociative identity, a twisted multiple personality spawned in the mind of your creator to sublimate his or her socially-unacceptable urges. Seriously, the word "tenuous" was invented to describe a cartoonist's grip on reality. If you have wildly inappropriate urges, please don't tell me about them! Talk to a mental health professional. Actually, considering the personalities of most webcomic characters, that's probably good advice in any case.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch