Dear Dr. Eldritch,
   I've recently returned from an archeological dig in Egypt, and I fear for my life.

I was present as our team opened an ancient tomb with wondrous artifacts, including an intact sarcophagus that contained a mummified pharaoh. As per International Antiquities Law, all relics were cataloged and removed from the tomb to keep them from falling prey to looters. I worried not a whit about this at the time, but then an associate was killed under mysterious circumstances. The rest of us thought that was just bad luck. The second death seemed a tragic coincidence. When the third colleague was found strangled in a locked study, I became alarmed.

The authorities are engaging in a conventional investigation, which has proven fruitless. We all scoffed when one of our fellows suggested that perhaps the mummy could be to blame. We ventured to the museum to allay his fears, and the awkward thing is that the mummy is no longer there, and cannot be accounted for. I'm not the sort to believe in ancient curses, but no alternate explanation presents itself convincingly. Some of the servants said that you might be able to offer advice.

-- Nigel Featherstone-Smythe in London

Dear Nigel,
   The only certainty is that your servants have a betting pool on your lifespan. If you're a gambling man, bet heavily on your survival. If you lose, you won't miss the money.

When you were small, your governess probably told you that monsters were just poppycock, so you studied Latin instead of wasting time learning about werewolves, vampires, reanimated corpses or (your current problem) mummies. Here are the basics of what you need to know:

You violated a mummy's tomb. He can't tell, and doesn't care, what your intentions were. He's been pickled, wrapped, and buried for a few thousand years. Don't expect him to be too discriminating. All he knows is that a transgression occurred, and everyone responsible must die.

You can run, but you cannot escape. Mummies are relentless shambling juggernauts of vengeance. You could cross oceans, flee to the remotest locations, and keep moving for the rest of your life, but he'll follow to the figurative ends of the earth. Which raises an interesting question: Nobody in an orbiting space station has ever been killed by a mummy, but astronauts so rarely have that second career that takes them into ancient tombs. Are you willing to take up permanent residence in the international space station, so we can find out whether a mummy could successfully pursue a victim into space? I thought not. Pity.

Since you can't escape, you'll have to fight. This isn't as hard as you might think. Despite recent cinematic liberties, mummies aren't nimble resurrections of the living, eager to pick up where they left off with conquests of power and hot babes. He just wants to kill you, then go have a good multi-millennium lie-down. This makes him predictable, and you can use that to your advantage.

First, procure a flame thrower (if you don't know where to get one, ask the servants). Then find a remote location that won't be hurt by fire, about one hundred meters in diameter should do. Set up some flood lights to cover the entire area. Ring the perimeter with small bells on trip wires, so no one can shuffle into the circle without hitting the wires. See where this is going?

You stay in the circle until you hear the bells ring. Hit the lights. Your mummy will be illuminated, stumbling toward you in dutiful expectation of post-violation vengeance, and you blast him with the flame thrower.

Most people make the mistake of trying to shoot a mummy. Unfortunately, the ballistic effects that make bullets so devastating on living flesh are negligible on the desiccated undead. In the time it takes to empty a clip into him, he's got his hands around his victim's throat, and Team Mummy racks up another win. Fire is different. He's been soaked in embalming fluid, wrapped in rags and dried for millennia. He's a walking human cremation kit. You could do the job with a disposable lighter, but you don't want to get that personal. So set him alight from a distance, and keep out of arm's reach until the last of his ashen remains are but a whisper on the wind.

I know this is all very upsetting for you, but mummies are one of your easiest supernatural entities to combat. They're slow, simple, and highly flammable. Stay calm, and you'll make it through this ordeal (and win some spending money to boot)!

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch