Dear Dr. Eldritch,
   A bunch of my buddies and I were on a weekend trip, and let's just say we need to get rid of a body. We're not like criminals or anything, most of us work for an insurance company, we own houses and are good citizens. It was an accident, but it'll be a huge scandal if this goes public. I've got a great fiancée, and I couldn't stand losing her or wrecking my life, so we want to do this right. How can we cover this up so no one will ever find out?

-- NoName in Unspecified City

Dear NoName,
   Boy, do I hate this question. You would not believe how many times a year your exact situation occurs, not to mention all the other scenarios wherein a corpse becomes an unexpected liability. Suffice it to say, I get asked this a lot. And I will give you the same answer I always give, because there is only one really good answer. This is what you do:

CONFESS!

Get a lawyer, go to the police and turn over the body. Tell them the whole, sad story, and take your lumps like a grown-up. It will be much better in the long run. Sure, it will suck. There will be media attention, scandal, and repercussions. You may lose your job, your house, your fiancée, and perhaps even spend a few years at the Involuntary Inn. Trust me; if you try to hide it, you'd just screw it up and make it worse.

Look at you, you've probably never done anything more illegal than fudging some tax deductions and parking your Lexus in a handicap space while you rush in to buy a latte. How do you expect to finesse the myriad details necessary to erase evidence of wrongdoing? You get freaked just looking at the dead body, don't you? You don't have the stomach for what you'd need to do. So even if I gave you clear, step-by-step instructions, you'd go all squirrelly half way through and muck it up. Haven't you ever seen "CSI?" They're not making that stuff up, it's all real. You'll leave the tiniest scrap of residual evidence and the investigators will find it, trace it, track you down and then you're busted for the original crime AND the cover-up. Explanations won't help you then.

There is an alternate ending to this story. Let's say you do cover up your "youthful indiscretion," and your buddies all go back to work like nothing happened. Even if you don't believe in vengeful spirits (which may be a problem even if you do confess), your Conscience will know it happened. Every morning when you get up, it will remind you. Every night while you lie in the dark (contemplating vengeful spirits), it will remind you. Do you think you can live with that for the rest of your life? How about your buddies? I'd bet good money that at least one of them is the nervous sort who can't stand the tension of being double-parked. It's a delicate house of cards you're living in, and if any one of the players cracks, it all comes down. Do you all have the tranquil detachment of sociopaths? I doubt it. If you did, you'd be day traders and you'd already know what to do.

I know this wasn't what you were hoping for. Don't think I'm telling you this because I'm unfamiliar with the clandestine disposition of the dearly departed (which I neither confirm nor deny). I'm certain that if you follow my advice, the authorities will be much more sympathetic. Try to hide your crime, and odds are within a week you'll be spending your final moments in a sweltering desert, locked in a .45-caliber stand-off with your last surviving buddy, wishing you'd listened to me instead.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch