Dear Dr. Eldritch,
   I am a vampire, but still I ask for your help! I am not like the others. I would understand if you merely wish to drive a stake into my heart, but please let me explain my situation.

I was turned over three hundred years ago. My first decades were spent with other vampires, and we did viciously hunt humans for food and sport. We were hunted in return, and my comrades were slaughtered. I vowed that I would not meet their fate, and sought to live in a manner that would not draw attention to myself. Since then, I have gathered a huge fortune, mostly through real-estate investments. Some of my acquisitions were made possible by an inhuman lack of guilt, I must admit, but those were over a century ago. My transgressions against humanity have not been so severe for a long time.

I no longer stalk the night for innocent victims. How do I survive, you ask? I own a non-profit blood services company; completely legitimate. The blood we supply to hospitals saves many human lives. We screen all donations, naturally, and if some of the rejected blood comes to me for ‘disposal', what harm is done? Human illnesses mean nothing to me; blood that would otherwise be destroyed keeps me alive. I feed, and no one suffers.

My home is not a dank castle, it is a beautiful mansion, with the latest technological advancements and an extensive collection of art. I only go out between sunset and dawn, but conduct business during the day by phone. I live far to the north, where the sun sets quite early half of the year. Cold means little to me, so during the long winters, I may move about and socialize with humans freely. I am well respected in the community. With such care I have taken, I believe nobody knows my secret, not even my employees and servants. I live and act as a normal human, except for my secret daily consumption of blood.

So why do I write for help, you ask? My life may seem perfect, but it feels empty. My business and investments take only a few hours of my day, and the rest of the time, I don't know what to do with myself. Literature has no appeal for me, I have read so much over the centuries that all stories have been told before. Television is merely tedious since the final episode of "Friends" (I particularly enjoyed the ones with the little monkey! Sehr nett!). I have tried hobbies. My model ships and airplanes are accurate, but I find no pleasure in them. Social events in the community offer some respite, but only fill a portion of my time. Lately I have been having thoughts of my early days, with the excitement of stalking humans and the taste of hot, fresh blood. I fear if I do not find a suitable diversion, I may once again take to violence against others. You surely know that path will only end tragically.

I repeat, please help me! What can I do to stave off the boredom?

-- Herr X, somewhere in Northern Europe

Dear X,
   Just when I think I've seen everything, I get a letter like yours! A Pacifist Vampire? What's next, an organically-dyed-in-the-free-range-wool Liberal chanting "Drill, Baby, drill?"

My usual prescription for vampires involves direct sunlight or high-caliber silver bullets. I will attempt to set aside my prejudices, however, if you're truly trying to eschew bloodshed. This is the clearinghouse for the Strange and Unusual, after all.

To paraphrase from the New-Age Movement: "Life is what you do while waiting to die." Most people spend their few allotted decades struggling each day to acquire adequate food and shelter, and perhaps save some reserves for retirement. Many are content to plod this treadmill for a lifetime, filling their spare moments with pointless diversions, like watching NASCAR or professional wrestling. A rare few ask themselves, "Why do I do this? What is Life all about?" They're no closer to having a clue than the mindless drones, but at least they're asking the questions.

It's normal for humans to dwell on their own mortality and wish to leave a legacy behind. Many do this by having children, which is better than nothing. Others strive to leave their unique mark on the world, through such things as improving the lives of the less fortunate, creating powerful works of art or shaping the course of human history. Or merely getting the high score on their favorite video game at the arcade. These activities give a sense of purpose; a belief that in some small way, that person's life has made a lasting impact.

Part of your problem is that you're undead. When your soul shuffled off to the Great Waiting Room In the Sky, with it went your capacity for human emotion. That's why literature, model-building and television leave you empty. Creating a legacy doesn't matter to you. These things don't inspire joyful feelings in you, because you've lost the capacity for joy. Yet, like most vampires, you miss the ability to feel and care. You crave it. Business receptions and cocktail parties aren't meaningful enough to satisfy living humans (except for the really shallow ones), so it doesn't surprise me that they're not doing it for you. What you need is violence.

Traditionally, vampires can only compensate for their lack of souls by hurting those who still have theirs. As you've seen, that usually ends with a small pile of dust signaling a loss for Team Vampire. However, you may fill your need for visceral conquest through virtual violence. Buy a video-game system and start with single-player video games. Many of them provide highly-realistic graphic violence. I suspect you'll tire of those eventually, as you'll be merely brutalizing unfeeling images, which won't really satisfy you. When that happens, move on to Massive Multiplayer Online Games (MMOG's).

MMOG's are huge gaming systems on the Internet that create virtual worlds, where real, human players roam as tiny, electronic beings, called avatars. Thousands of avatars may be exploring these online realms concurrently, and a certain degree of violent conflict is expected. Find one that encourages players to attack other players, and start the carnage! Knowing that each avatar you strike down is connected to a living person who suffers from that loss, albeit bloodlessly, should give you the visceral thrill you need. Online mayhem may be the margarine-substitute for the sweet butter of real-world violence, but you may learn to love the taste. And it will keep you from a terminal encounter with the sharp end of a pointy stick.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch