Dear Dr. Eldritch,
    I am an android. I find interacting with humans acceptable, except for one thing: They all believe I long to be a "Real Human." Why is that?

I was developed in a secret government research facility at [classified] about [classified] months ago. After verification of my operational procedures, I was assigned to work with another research team. My human counterparts were initially uncertain, as if they expected me to go on a murderous rampage at any moment. They have now become accustomed to me, and even include me in some of the practical jokes they constantly play on each other, like sending a research assistant around to borrow a microgram of gravitons. I admit that I have no sense of humor, but I see no need for it. I can work tirelessly in dangerous conditions without concern for my physical well-being. My senses are much more acute, my memory is precise and I am not distracted by emotion.

Which leads me to my complaint: All of my compatriots assume I wish to be a "Real Human!" I am constantly barraged with comments like, "I bet you want to know what it's like to be happy!" or "You wish you could feel love, don't you?" Well, I do not! My observations indicate that productivity is inversely proportional to the level of emotional agitation. More than once I've had to save the facility from destruction when someone ignored safety protocols while giddy from infatuation with another researcher or angry at a perceived insult. They are also vulnerable to illness and fatigue, and are nearly useless after a night of alcohol consumption! Not to mention all the messy biological functions with fluids and secretions... Which reminds me; what is this fascination with sex? Most of the women (and a few of the men) have asked me if I am "fully functional" and giggle while displaying increased dermal facial temperature. I really do not get it.

How can I tell them I have no such latent flaws? I have no urges to be human, no secret longings to feel emotions, and would not wish for it if I could. Why do you humans keep insisting that I want to be like you?

Please explain,

-- FC701-d (or as my colleagues call me, "Factoid")

Dear FC701-d,
   I'm not sure I can explain completely, as most human behavior does not stand up well to objective analysis. We fritter our time away in non-productive distractions. We desire people who do not reciprocate our feelings. We obsess over money, fame, and appearing on reality-television shows (well, not me, personally). The point is, if you don't understand emotions, a lot of human behavior looks pretty weird. Well, even if you do understand emotions....

Actually, your lack of desire to be human is a suspicious anomaly. The engineers and programmers who built you all share a common trait; they didn't date much in high school. Instead, they spent Saturday nights assembling robot kits and arguing whether Kirk or Picard was the better captain. They grew up wishing they could be outgoing, attractive and popular. So their yearning to be completely different should have crept into your design. They don't intentionally build in a longing to be someone else; it's a subconscious projection. Somehow this didn't get programmed into you (Unless you secretly desire to be unreliable and useless; Do you ever get urges to park yourself on a couch with a quart of Fudge Ripple?).

Your colleagues, however, share another trait: Humans need to feel superior. That's why people have pets or children. Face it, you're a bit intimidating. You're stronger, faster, smarter, better in all measurable ways. Emotions are about the only thing they have that you don't. If you don't desire emotions, then maybe being human isn't the peak experience they believed it was. People can't feel superior if you don't envy them. If they don't feel superior, eventually they'll hate you. I know that doesn't make sense, but emotions aren't logical. Try telling jokes. That should inspire some pity.

Unfortunately, since you were created by humans, you do have some inherent flaw, somewhere. If you don't wish to be "real," then you are going to go on a murderous rampage. Don't feel badly about it (well, I suppose you wouldn't), it's just the way things are. Your designers should have equipped you with a remote-control off switch for just such an emergency, but they didn't. They're only human, after all...

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

p.s. Sex is a lot more fun than it looks. You'll just have to trust me on this.