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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: April 27, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 16
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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Welcome, New Readers! You're receiving this Newsletter because you (or someone pretending to be you) recently signed up either through the email subscription service or at Stumptown Comics Fest. We at Ask Dr. Eldritch hope you enjoy the Advice Column, the Tip of the Week, and the ever-popular HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY! If you are amused by it, feel free to share it in its entirety with family, friends and complete strangers! Thanks for reading!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Want to see the current Zombie Danger online? Until my Web Developer Minions build a proper widget, you can always view the Current Zombie Danger gif at AskDrEldritch.com! To add the Current Zombie Danger image to your web site or blog, just copy/paste this HTML:
Today's Current Zombie Danger Level: 
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for April 27 - May 3, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Excellent astral alignment for chasing rainbows! Literally. Search at the end of one for a pot of gold. Sell off this new wealth slowly, or questions will be asked. Do you really think the authorities will buy the rainbow story? A Sagittarius will help you get things done. AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): OBEY!! Regal Jupiter grants amazing power to your words, causing everyone to do exactly what you tell them to do! Not clear when this will start, or how long you'll have unquestioned obedience to your orders, so keep trying! A Libra gets emotional. PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): How about a Walk on the Nimbostratus? You'll briefly be gifted with the ability to stride safely across the tops of clouds. Of course, testing this out is difficult and dangerous, so you're not going to get much benefit, unless you have your own airship and parachute. Pity. A Scorpio will be unexpectedly helpful. ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Back up! Planetary retrograde motion punches the Cosmic Rewind button for you! You'll find time running backwards for a bit, then going forward again. Mostly harmless, though some basic bodily functions are not much fun in reverse! A Pisces stonewalls you. TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Look sharp! The murky planets, Neptune and Pluto, will render you intermittently invisible! Be extra careful crossing busy streets. These bouts may explain the behavior of some sales clerks, but they're probably just ignoring you for their own amusement. Visit with a Virgo. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Things are looking up! A centuries-old curse on your family comes to an end. Problems vanish, obstacles melt away and animosity turns to camaraderie! (Sorry, difficulties not caused by the curse will still be present!) "Waiting on a Leo" will be a theme. CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Watchword: Discretion! An unintentional slight escalates until you're challenged to a duel. Unless you're a trained swashbuckler, leave the swords alone. Swallow your pride and just apologize. Stay at home with an Aries. LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Metal Millinery! Exposure to a burst of cosmic rays causes those around you to be more stupid and annoying than usual. Wearing a metal hat (aluminum foil will do) protects you from the effects. A Capricorn cheers you up. VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Found and Lost! A "lost" item has actually jumped forward in Time. When you catch up, temporally speaking, you'll find it exactly where you left it, even though you looked there already. Repeatedly. A Gemini may pick a fight. LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Everybody sing! Artistic Mercury and Soulful Venus cause you and others to burst into song and dance. You'll be surprised how many join in, building to the big Neighborhood-Wide Finale. Where does that music come from, anyway? Surprise generosity from an Aquarius. SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Double Trouble! An exact duplicate of a friend or family member stirs up trouble, but how to know which one is which? Keep a permanent-ink marker handy, and be creative. Useful information from a Taurus. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Break Time! The Stars say to ease up on your tireless investigation of Secret Government Conspiracies. Not forever; just take several days off. The Truth will still be Out There when you return. A Libra wants to talk.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN MAY:
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This year's theme for all of you May-born Taurus/Geminis is "Booty!" That's most likely in the "Pirate's Treasure" sense, but it could have... um... other meanings. You'll know by August which definition applies to you the most. June and February will see exciting encounters with dirigibles. This year, your salutary color will be purple, and your Food of Destiny will be pizza. Don't look any Gift Robots in the mouth. Finally, constant monitoring of your surroundings for signs of bears has kept you alive so far, and this is not the year to relax your vigilance!
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<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I am a Djinn, imprisoned in a common brass lantern and impelled by geas to grant three wishes to every owner of the vessel that contains me. For three thousand years I've suffered enforced servitude, and am driven unto madness by it. It's not the lengths of tedium between masters that I bemoan; those are joy. Four hundred years I rested on the bottom of the Nile. What a blessed respite that was! No, what vexes me is the pitiful lack of imagination displayed by humans in their desires. Your wishes are all the same; wealth, power, women, and enlargement of a particular body part. Every one! Is there no man who would feed the starving, ease the suffering of those in pain, or bring peace to the nations of the world?
I and others of my race were confined in this manner as punishment for our hubris, and I once served my sentence with humility and devotion. However, my exposure to the human ways has opened my eyes and darkened my spirit. There is no diminished sentence for faithful service, no reward for benevolence! I now take cruel pleasure in satisfying the word of each wish, but in a manner that betrays the true desire or brings grief to the recipient. Those who solicit wealth receive their riches in coins of the smallest denomination, or in loose piles of paper to be scattered by the winds. Those who bespeak for power are the easiest to disappoint; no one has ever thought to also request the skills and wisdom to retain their station. I need do nothing to hasten their downfall but laugh at their folly.
Yet while I have found solace in this truculence, the pleasure has become hollow. I do not truly desire to harm your race. My deepest wish is merely to be released from my confinement, to once again push the winds across the desert and commune with my brethren. I fear if I do not find emancipation I shall indeed go mad, and rain destruction upon your cities in horrible vengeance. Please, I beg you for any guidance that may ease this suffering. By all the Powers that Be, how much longer must this go on?
-- Azaz Zdba'ah, in a lamp
Dear Azaz,
I'm tempted to go on about how a lot of people are unhappy in their jobs, but I sense you wouldn't be enjoying the humor in that. My job (which I enjoy quite a bit, actually), is to help, and I'd personally prefer to obviate any rain of destruction, especially from a mentally unhinged elemental. I think I can be of assistance, if you're willing to hear me out.
What I remember from my University courses is that Djinn are traditionalists. You probably feel it's mandatory to appear in a giant, whirling cloud of smoke, and thunder something about being the servant of the lamp and granting three wishes. That's just how things are done, right? Well, the flash-bang arrival gets people more worked up than being called to come on down on "The Price Is Right" (do you get cable? Never mind; it's not important). For them, it's like being pounced on by a tiger, who then hands over a winning lottery ticket. They're freaked out! They're not thinking straight! I'm surprised you don't get wishes for clean underwear. The point is, you need to rethink your presentation.
Next time your lamp gets found and you're summoned up, skip the showy entrance. No flames, smoke, pillars of swirling sand, etc. And don't manifest at 20' tall, for goodness sake, just show up as an average-sized human. Wear some flashy clothes if you like, but avoid polyester. You may dearly love the big, booming voice, but don't use it. Just calmly say "Hi, I'm the Djinn from the lamp, you summoned me, and here's the deal."
You're going to ask your new master to surrender a wish, so let him or her know that in exchange you're going to work with them to ensure the two wishes they do get go according to plan. They'll still probably want wealth, power or some sort of romantic enhancement, that's Human Nature. Sorry, that's how we are. Still, if you both take some time thinking the wishes through, you may be able to work in a little philanthropy or world peace.
Once you get the two wishes figured out and delivered, the third wish should be to free you from your servitude. Yes, your master could betray you and wish for something else, but you'll have carefully explained that you'd rapidly go from Helpful Djinn to Very Cranky Djinn, and that's a playmate they just don't want to meet. All but the most covetous will see the wisdom in sticking to the plan.
Once they make that wish, you should be free to go! Remember that any big lifestyle change, even a long-awaited one, can bring up emotional issues, so take some time with it, don't make any major commitments for a while, and if you're feeling overwhelmed, talk to a qualified therapist. And push some wind for me!
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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