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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: May 25, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 20
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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Hey, I'm going to Phoenix ComiCon this weekend, are you? I'll be giving away Ask Dr. Eldritch swag, like tote bags, Zombie Danger Cards, and the ever-popular Get Out Of Trouble Free Cards to my Fans! I'll also have some of my book "Ask Dr. Eldritch Volume #1 Are Aliens Eating My Crackers?" to sell (they come with FREE autographs and high-fives)! I'll post a few times to Twitter to let you know my location, so you can follow EvanNichols on your mobile device to get that information (Heck, you can follow me on Twitter even if you're going to Phoenix Comicon)! See you there!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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The best survival strategy when simultaneously attacked by a bear and a shark is to turn these predators against each other by shouting, "Hey, Bear! That shark make jokes about your mother!" Bears are very protective of their mothers.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for May 25 - 31, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Power up! A mysterious, yet temporary, power over household appliances and internal-combustion engines comes in handy. Silence a neighbor's leaf blower! Jump-start a stranger's car! Just don't be tempted into doing something illegal that you'll regret. An Aries is in a slump.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): The stars have a message for you: Something to do with squid. Yes, that's unfortunately rather vague. Have you planned any squid-related events? Noticed squid in the news? Ordered a case of calamari? Avoid scuba diving for a while, just in case. A Gemini makes time for you.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Ready, Go, Set! You'll be a bit... off. About three seconds, actually. Half the time you'll be ahead, so impress friends by picking up the phone before it rings. The other half you'll be behind, and conversations will be slooow. Watch TV instead. Call on a Capricorn for support.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Windfall! When you're contacted about an inheritance from a relative you never knew you had, check for important clauses (like having to spend a night in a Haunted House) before accepting. As a subscriber to this Newsletter, you'd know to do that, right? An Aquarius has a scheme!
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Bargain Basement Score! An odd-looking device from a thrift store turns out to not be an Aura Polisher, but a key that opens a portal to a pocket dimension; a serene place you can use for rest and relaxation. Just don't let the batteries go flat while you're on the other side! And keep the thing away from lightning bolts (see Libra)! Surprise from a Pisces.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Neat and Tidy Week! Stars indicate an influx of order; perhaps gnomes will organize everything in your house while you're out. Unfortunately, it may be by color or alphabetical order, so you might find the vinegar and the VCR on the vanity. Still, certain aspects may please you. A Scorpio brings up past mistake.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Pests in the Family Tree! Do you have a family history of relatives waking up one morning to find that they've turned into giant insects? This may not happen to you, but keep a big dish of sugar in your bedroom, just in case. Expect a quarrel with a Taurus.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Send some Fan Mail! A mix-up gets you an invite to a big soiree, like a wedding or benefit for vegetarian pets. You should go, of course, so you can rub elbows with the Rich and Famous (actual Elbow-Rubbing not recommended). Missed connection with an Aries.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): The Laws of Probability skew a bit, and all of your friends and family members will try to call to chat at the same time. Have you emptied your voicemail box lately? You might want to do so, or you'll have some grumpy relatives when they finally get through! A Leo is unusually quiet.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Zot! That snap and crackle you hear in the mornings isn't your breakfast cereal, but high-energy discharge! Lightning shoots from your fingertips! It's fun, but be careful around the computer! Go easy on the practical jokes, too... You find item a Scorpio lost.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): A Point of View Review! A loved-one's wish causes you to see both sides of everything. This means both sides to your argument, and unfortunately, all objects you can see, like both sides of your front door! Probably best to have a Bit of a Lie Down until it passes. Seek Hidden Wisdom from a Virgo.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Phone Fun! Dialing a wrong number connects you with a secret government information center! Be confident, ask questions and you'll learn some interesting things. Hang up when anyone asks "Who is this? How did you get this number?" Tell an Aquarius about a dream.
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
A bunch of my buddies and I were on a weekend trip, and let's just say we need to get rid of a body. We're not like criminals or anything, most of us work for an insurance company, we own houses and are good citizens. It was an accident, but it'll be a huge scandal if this goes public. I've got a great fiancée, and I couldn't stand losing her or wrecking my life, so we want to do this right. How can we cover this up so no one will ever find out?
-- NoName in Unspecified City
Dear NoName,
Boy, do I hate this question. You would not believe how many times a year your exact situation occurs, not to mention all the other scenarios wherein a corpse becomes an unexpected liability. Suffice it to say, I get asked this a lot. And I will give you the same answer I always give, because there is only one really good answer. This is what you do:
CONFESS!
Get a lawyer, go to the police and turn over the body. Tell them the whole, sad story, and take your lumps like a grown-up. It will be much better in the long run. Sure, it will suck. There will be media attention, scandal, and repercussions. You may lose your job, your house, your fiancée, and perhaps even spend a few years at the Involuntary Inn. Trust me; if you try to hide it, you'd just screw it up and make it worse.
Look at you, you've probably never done anything more illegal than fudging some tax deductions and parking your Lexus in a handicap space while you rush in to buy a latte. How do you expect to finesse the myriad details necessary to erase evidence of wrongdoing? You get freaked just looking at the dead body, don't you? You don't have the stomach for what you'd need to do. So even if I gave you clear, step-by-step instructions, you'd go all squirrelly half way through and muck it up. Haven't you ever seen "CSI?" They're not making that stuff up, it's all real. You'll leave the tiniest scrap of residual evidence and the investigators will find it, trace it, track you down and then you're busted for the original crime AND the cover-up. Explanations won't help you then.
There is an alternate ending to this story. Let's say you do cover up your "youthful indiscretion," and your buddies all go back to work like nothing happened. Even if you don't believe in vengeful spirits (which may be a problem even if you do confess), your Conscience will know it happened. Every morning when you get up, it will remind you. Every night while you lie in the dark (contemplating vengeful spirits), it will remind you. Do you think you can live with that for the rest of your life? How about your buddies? I'd bet good money that at least one of them is the nervous sort who can't stand the tension of being double-parked. It's a delicate house of cards you're living in, and if any one of the players cracks, it all comes down. Do you all have the tranquil detachment of sociopaths? I doubt it. If you did, you'd be day traders and you'd already know what to do.
I know this wasn't what you were hoping for. Don't think I'm telling you this because I'm unfamiliar with the clandestine disposition of the dearly departed (which I neither confirm nor deny). I'm certain that if you follow my advice, the authorities will be much more sympathetic. Try to hide your crime, and odds are within a week you'll be spending your final moments in a sweltering desert, locked in a .45-caliber stand-off with your last surviving buddy, wishing you'd listened to me instead.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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