Ask Dr. Eldritch

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Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho! Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I'm you. Or actually, you're this dimension's version of ME! Now that I'm here, we should rule the world!

Allow me to explain: I come from a mirror dimension, a "bizarre world" version of this one. There, I work for the Department of De-Information, where we reduce the levels of knowledge and spread ignorance and chaos. A year ago, we were destroying a scientist's laboratory and I found a device that allowed me to see into your world. To me, what it showed was all strange and backward; you eat when you're hungry, you wear your undergarments INSIDE your clothes (well, most of you), and almost none of you have goatees! I know I should have smashed the viewer, but your world of clean-shaven women intrigued me. I became obsessed with it, and would watch even the most tedious of activities with fascination. Baseball, for example.

You can undoubtedly guess what followed: I sought a way to travel from my world to yours. It took almost a year, but I found my opportunity. A newly-discovered research facility was scheduled to be bulldozed right after our Non-Religious Mid-Summer Holiday (it's the biggest festival of the year; we write angry notes to all our friends and family, then go around taking things from each other). I spent my entire vacation hiding in the facility, constructing my cross-dimensional device. Just as the bulldozers broke through the walls, I activated it, and here I am!

Let's be honest; my home world is really stupid. I'm excellent at my job, so I've been demoted, but I'm supposed to be upset about it, which is our version of happy! See how confusing it is? Your world makes much more sense, with the exception of reality television. People here sleep when it's dark, ride inside their cars, and trust the inherent goodness in others. We could exploit that so easily! With your knowledge of human weaknesses and my seething ambition, we can crush all opposition and become the unstoppable rulers of this dimension!

When my people say the following it means things will be terrible, but I say it as you would: This is gonna be GREAT!

-- Dr. Eldritch

Dear Dr. Eldritch,

Well, this is a first! I've never met another version of me before. A pleasure to make your acquaintance (and I mean that in the non-reversed way, of course)!

I must say, I'm quite curious about where you come from. Do you have ice cream in your world? You should try it; it's very good. But, maybe you'd prefer something hot, watery and bitter. Wait, that's coffee! That's good too! I guess we have more in common than I thought.

You're not the first to try to enlist me in an effort to take over the world. I can't understand why anyone would want the job of global dictator, though. Once the conquest is done, you merely become the world's top bureaucrat. It's like being president of the homeowner's-association for a neighborhood of six billion people; can you just imagine all the annoying little squabbles to resolve and mundane policy decisions to make? Granted, not all of those associations allow their president to execute people (read those agreements carefully, homebuyers!), but is that really how you want to spend your time?

Perhaps you're thinking that Supreme Commanders get lives of non-stop hedonism and debauchery. Some do, but those lives tend to end abruptly, before the Supreme Commanders were ready to stop living them. Decadent tyrants generally allow the well-being of social structures to decline, and the masses don't take kindly to that. You may be having wild, lavish parties, but they're becoming hungry, scared, and very, very angry. And you're outnumbered roughly six billion to one. I'd bet my box of doughnuts on the home team for that one, even against a Bizarre Me.

Still, there's not much point in my telling you this, is there? My unswerving devotion to making the world a better place is sure to mirror in you as an unhealthy obsession with grabbing power. So I'm going to send you back to your reverso-world. I'll find you, incapacitate you (with a stun-gun, I think), and finally, transport you to a spatial vortex I know of, which will give you a one-way trip to your dimension. Of course, it would be foolish of me to tell you all this before I do it, as you'd be able to prepare... hey, what's that behind you!?!

Well, look; everybody's back where they belong now. How nice!

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
If you need more, read this Advanced Disclaimer!) All content © 2005 Evan M. Nichols