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Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho! Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I've fallen in love with someone who doesn't even know I exist. Please help me make her love me too!

She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Big, dark eyes, a luscious mouth that's almost always smiling or laughing, and long, dark hair that she usually wears in a ponytail, but sometimes she lets it loose, and it's like a cascade of silk about her shoulders. I call her "Cherie," and I could watch her all day. Which is what I've been doing. She has a sidewalk espresso cart, and I've spent nearly every hour for the last few months sitting on a building across the street, just so I can see her.

How I envy the lucky people who buy coffee and pastries from her! I long to be the one who makes her laugh while she steams the milk for my low-fat cappuccino, to feel the thrill of dropping my change into her tip jar, and hear her say "Thanks!" and know it's just for me. We could be so happy together, if I could only win her over!

And therein lies the problem. I would happily do all the things an attentive boyfriend should do, but I'm a gargoyle. I don't mean unattractive, I'm an actual gargoyle; you know, with big bat wings, pointy horns, stony skin, and a spiked tail, sits on rooftops all day? For a gargoyle, my looks are on the high side of average, but in human terms, my face is a bit... extreme. So I'm afraid there's no way she could see past my appearance, and learn to love the Me Inside.

So I'm begging for your help! How can I get her to love me, so we can be together?

-- Arnold, on the Rooftops

Dear Arnold,

This is why I so rarely address relationship questions; it genuinely pains me to burst delusionary bubbles, such as yours. Have you tried having your friends fix you up with a nice gargoyle girl they know? Maybe her wings aren't the biggest, or her horns are uneven, but she has a great personality and she deserves to have a decent gargoyle guy in her life... Think about it.

You remind me of a Troll friend of mine, who is only interested in dating exceedingly-attractive human females. If possible, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Somehow, his complete lack of success has not diminished his enthusiasm, and he still firmly believes he will get lucky one day.

I think of him as being like someone who plays the lottery. He sees the prize and keeps buying his tickets, telling himself that he's due to win any day now. He doesn't quite comprehend that there are millions of people trying, and like them, he could play all his life and never get what he wants. That's why dating beautiful people should be labeled "For Entertainment Purposes Only."

I'm going to assume that you have a big heart, fun sense of humor and great personality. Having these qualities is no guarantee that she'll love you, but if you've got major flaws (Examples: Being shallow, egocentric, inarticulate, vain, willing to clip your toenails at the dining table, only interested in sex, a fan of professional sports, or seeing nothing wrong about sleeping with your girlfriend's sister), you're only likely to be successful with a woman like Cherie if you're gorgeous, famous and/or rich.

There are three traditional techniques for your situation:

  1. Woo her with the aid of an attractive human male. We'll call him "Bob." Bob will be your puppet, and you'll earn your place in her heart through him. Tell Bob what to say and what to do, and if you and she are truly soulmates, she'll fall in love. Unfortunately, it's far more likely that she'll fall in love with Bob, not you. He is, after all, the one making her laugh and giving her flowers, so he'll be the one to have your cake and... Okay, not such a good metaphor, but you get my meaning.

  2. Become her Secret Admirer. Leave her gifts and romantic notes. Surprise and delight her, like having an elegant lunch delivered to her espresso stand, complete with a linen-covered table, candelabra and violin player. Find out her favorite things and incorporate them into your acts of affection. For example, if she loves honeysuckle, arrange to have that scent wafting down her street all day, and leave a note saying that thoughts of her give you joy the way you hope the aroma of flowers did for her. Call her when she's alone, and coax her into long conversations where you reveal your tormented but loving soul. There's no guarantee that she won't flee in terror when you finally reveal yourself to her, but at least she'll know more about the real you.

  3. Sweep her away to a secret place where you can care for her and be the only living thing she sees. Don't smother her with affection right at first, give her a bit of time to get familiar with her new surroundings and become a bit bored. Then gradually spend more and more time with her. Do beautiful, romantic things that reveal your sensitive side, like standing together in a flurry of falling cherry-blossom petals, or take her walking at dawn through a beautiful park after a new snowfall. Over time, she may bond with you, and forgive you for taking her away from her friends, family and all that she's ever known.
So there you go. Your options are Deceit, Stalking, or Kidnapping. To be honest, your chances aren't good with any one of them. But, just as lottery winners do exist, it is possible that your Fairy Tale romance will work, and the two of you will live Happily Ever After.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
If you need more, read this Advanced Disclaimer!) All content © 2005 Evan M. Nichols