Ask Dr. Eldritch

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Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho! Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!

The first collection of Follow-Up letters was so popular, I'm doing it again. I got even more second letters this year than in 2004, which either means the survival rate is increasing, or more people are moved to actually let me know how it comes out. Either way, I'm pleased, and would like to share some of the results (dates shown are when letters were published, click the links to read them):

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I'm thrilled to report that you were right! I sent the girls back to their village, and tried my hand at flower arranging. After a strange and complex series of events (which I won't bore you with here), I found my True Calling: Designing shoes! I love it! I get to express my creative side and work with fascinating people. Sure, even as a up-and-coming designer, Life has lots of tedious moments and routine chores, but at least I'm no longer living in a cave! Thanks so much; without your advice, I'd never be having such adventures in the Real World!

- Ed the Tentacle Monster, out of the cave and now in Milan, Italy
From August 28, 2005

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
After you published my letter, I did some serious soul-searching, and ended up in therapy for a while. I was pretty messed up, but I think it's working out fine. Did you see my press release? Yes, I got into the Motivational Speaker business like you suggested, and my agent just signed me to a thirty-city tour for my one-car presentation "Auto Winning! How You Can Overcome Roadblocks And Avoid Detours In Life!" Yes, the title is a little cheesy (my PR guy came up with it), but people eat it up! So many people want autographed publicity shots, I had to have a high-speed color printer installed in my dashboard. I never knew there were so many messed-up people in the world! At least I'm helping make their lives better, right?

- Robotic Support Vehicle One, On the Road
From October 23, 2005

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
You were right; I should have left well enough alone. I didn't listen to your advice, and had one of the tech guys rig up a device that should have let me phase into the spectral plane to talk to our post-transitional assets. Well, it worked, but now I can't get back. I'm drifting in this hellish limbo, where I have no body but I can feel things. The worst is the physical manifestations of email spam and pop-up ads. It's like hordes of worms and insects crawling all over my body, trying to get into my brain! Here they come again! AAAAGGHH! GET THEM OFF ME!!! GET THEM OFF ME!!!

- Code Name "Necromancer", location unknown
From January 16, 2005

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Guess what? I'm in Aruba, on a two-week photoshoot! You weren't kidding about college being boring. I mean, I tried taking classes, but it's all sitting around listening to some teacher going on and on about icky stuff. Then they expect you to remember it all! Here, I work for a few hours a day, then all these guys take me dancing and buy me drinks and stuff. So choose between taking stupid classes or hanging out in paradise where everyone pays attention to ME? Duh, no-brainer!

p.s. Did you get the box of doughnuts I sent? You deserve them!

-- Raidne, from a sunny beach
From June 19, 2005

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Hi! Remember how I sold myself into ten years of slavery by agreeing to a EULA without reading it first? Well, I couldn't find a legal loophole, so I did as you suggested, and we revolted! The guys were reluctant at first, but they're mostly computer geeks who have never kissed a girl, and it's amazing what they'll do if you promise to flash them! And it turns out that the Overseers were just big bullies; once we took away their whips, they cowered and begged for mercy. Now I'm back at home, and I swear I'll never click "I Agree" without carefully reading what I'm agreeing to!

Thanks for everything!

- Melissa, back above ground
From June 12, 2005

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I did just as you said, and I found who kidnapped Santa and tricked them into my prototype Four-Person Finger Trap, and we saved Christmas! Now all the other elves really like me, and they aren't going to tease me about making Finger Traps any more! I'm so excited! I couldn't have done it without you!

- Timmy, the Littlest Elf, at The North Pole
From December 4, 2005

Dear Timmy,
Often, all a hero needs is to hear that someone believes they can do what must be done. All I did was tell you that, Little Elf! You did the rest, and good on you! Thanks for saving Christmas; it was a great one!

- Dr. Eldritch

(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
If you need more, read this Advanced Disclaimer!) All content © 2005 Evan M. Nichols