Ask Dr. Eldritch

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Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho! Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Ask Dr. Eldritch Princess I'm a princess. I don't mean a spoiled daddy's-girl, but the actual daughter of a king, heir to the throne and all that. I've been groomed since birth to be a public figure. I can host a state dinner, meet world leaders and run a country. It's just assumed that I will be Queen, but nobody's asked me if that's what I want to do!

Of course, I'm too scared to tell my parents what I really want. Secretly I wish for a handsome prince to ride up on a big white horse and sweep me off my feet. We'll have a beautiful fairy-tale wedding, and then live happily ever after! Please? I don't want to worry about paparazzi, scandals, international trade agreements or anything like that. What can I do? Am I a hopeless dreamer, or can this really happen for me? Please, Dr. Eldritch, you are my only hope!

-- Princess Melinda, In a Palace Somewhere

Dear Princess Melinda,

So even princesses dream of a magical wedding to a handsome prince! I would have guessed you wanted to marry a nice claims adjuster, followed by a simple backyard potluck reception. Go figure...

In this modern age of political-correctness and empowerment, it's brave of you to acknowledge these desires. However, in this world, getting what you want is as rare as a reliable source of information on the Internet (except for me, naturally!). Even if you could find your Dream Prince, there's no guarantee the magic would last. The enchanted honeymoon ends and gives way to bureaucratic policy decisions, obligatory figure-heading for the common folk, and monthly palace upkeep. Eventually the big white charger is put out to pasture, the young lovers become middle-aged and settle into the day-to-day routine of running a country and raising the next generation of royals. Even flogging the peasants becomes a perfunctory chore.

You can't avoid this fate by waiting around in the family palace! You must go on a Quest. Your destiny lies in the Twilight Realm, the shadowy regions beyond the bright edge of this dimension and into the great unknown of the otherwhere. Only there are Fairy-Tale Weddings and Happily-Ever-After Endings possible, in the manner that you want, anyway.

On a night with a full moon, bundle up a few possessions, dress warmly with good walking shoes and head out on foot. I can't tell you where you're going, as on this sort of journey you must find your own way. You may not go where you expect, but you'll end up where you need to be. Trust your instincts, follow all instructions any talking animal gives you, and be kind to everyone you meet!

Quests are not without dangers; you may never make it from Here to There. If you're lucky, you'll be abducted by some witch or ogre and held prisoner in a tower. That sounds bad, but it's a perfect opportunity for a handsome prince to rescue you! (I know that's not very Empowering of your Womanhood, but that's a price you may have to pay for your fantasy marriage.)

Finally, remember that there are a myriad of possibilities that lead to a happy ending. A pauper may turn out to be a prince, a kind act could be repaid a hundredfold, or an evil spell can be vanquished by True Love. If you remain stalwart and good, follow your heart and don't give up hope, I suspect you'll find a suitable prince and your own version of Happily Ever After.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
If you need more, read this Advanced Disclaimer!) All content © 2006 Evan M. Nichols