Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I went to a magic place with talking animals, and they need my help but I don't know how to get back there. Can you help me? It started when I was playing Hide and Seekers at Great-Aunt Agatha's castle with my cousins, and I hid in a big trunk in the garret. When I closed the lid, the back opened up to a magical land with talking animals and a Good Queen and they were all awfully nice to me, but there's a Bad Wizard who wants to make them all slaves and put the Queen in his dungeon. I stayed there as long as I could, but when I fell asleep, I woke up in the trunk. I ran to tell my cousins about it, but when we went back to the trunk, it didn't do anything. My cousins laughed at me and said it was just a dream, but I know it wasn't. Everyone did tease me dreadfully for the rest of the weekend, and I really want to show them I'm right. How can I get back to the magical place and save the talking animals and their Good Queen from the Bad Wizard?

-- Olivia Barrington-Smythe
Age 8

Dear Olivia,

First of all, let me congratulate you on your luck! You've wandered into an Allegory, part of the ongoing inter-dimensional struggle between Good and Evil. Unfortunately, returning there isn't as easy as falling off a bus, if you know what I mean. You'll only be able to get back when that dimension is ready for you to perform the next step in your role. The good news is that you can have a ripping good adventure, and children your age have a very high success rate in these allegories. You can improve your chances by doing the following things:

1. While there, only act for the cause of Good. Play nicely with the talking animals, be polite and kind, and don't do anything hurtful. The Evil Wizard may try to trick you into doing something bad, so be careful.

2. Take some of your least-favorite cousins with you. Sharing the experience will make you better friends, or you can push them out in front when things get dangerous. This may not seem to fall in the category of "Good," but it's called "Acceptable Losses," and you'll understand when you're grown up.

3. Prepare now for your next visit. As a child, you have an innate ability to locate dangerous objects, so find the biggest loaded handgun you can. Secretly take it with you when you next go to Great-Aunt Agatha's. Keep it hidden until you find the Bad Wizard and then, well, you know what to do. Evil magical types are particularly bad at defending themselves from non-magical, high-velocity lead bullets, so your surprise should save the day.

After that everything should be great! The only disappointment is that you'll eventually have to come back to this boring, mundane world. Still, you'll have had a Magical Adventure, which is far more than most people ever get from Life, so be grateful!

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!