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Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho! Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!

Ask Dr. Eldritch Relationship Quiz


Ah, Valentine's Day! The Most Romantic Day of the Year™, when couples (or threesomes or open-minded groups) exchange candy, flowers, greeting cards and expensive presents to express the depth of their emotions, or to make up for blunders during the past year.

All of us here at Ask Dr. Eldritch wanted to do something special to celebrate. The Minions suggested sending flowers to each and every one of you, but your spouses, partners, guardians and stalkers might feel threatened by that. And it would be expensive. Instead, I offer what I'm best at: Good Advice!

While this week's Relationship Quiz may be used by those already with a Special Someone (or Someones), it's primarily for those Romantic Hopefuls who are starting a New Relationship. Long-term relationships are good, but there's something wonderful about doing all the things couples do in the beginning stages of a romance: Learning about the other's interests, hopes and dreams, sharing stories of your lives and making new memories together. But who wants to go through all that, only to discover that this Special Someone is actually a slug-headed alien from Rigel VI, here on Earth solely to gather genetic material to revive that planet's dying race? Or that your amazingly-attractive new friend has seduced you into helping with a multi-million dollar heist, only to disappear with his or her lover and all the money, leaving you to take the fall and serve time in Federal Prison?

You can prevent these annoyances by using the Official Ask Dr. Eldritch New Relationship Quiz! You can still learn all the unimportant relationship stuff while taking long walks on the beach (like each other's Favorite Song or The Really Embarrassing Thing That Happened In Sixth Grade). But having your New Potential Partner answer these questions before your first date could save you lots of time and heartache! Unromantic? Perhaps. But that seems a small price to pay for avoiding Federal Prison. Or worse.

Good Luck, and let me know how it comes out!

The Official Ask Dr. Eldritch New Relationship Quiz

1. How many people have you dated or been romantically involved with? ______

2. How many of those were actually a crush on a celebrity or a person you've never spoken to, an imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend, or an encounter greatly exaggerated to impress your friends? _______
2.a Adjusted Total (Line 1 -- Line 2): _______

3. How many of those people you've dated are alive today? ______
3.a If the answer to #3 is less than 2.a, did any of those people vanish under "Mysterious Circumstances?"
Yes / No
3.b If Yes, Explain:


4. Would you be dating me just to make someone else jealous? Yes / No
4.a If Yes, check all that apply:
¤ Former boyfriend/girlfriend
¤ Current boyfriend/girlfriend
¤ Current husband/wife/ partner
¤ John Tesh
¤ All of the Above

5. Have you any body art or alterations? (check all that apply):
¤ Tattoo
¤ Piercing
¤ Branding
¤ Implants (other than those done by Extraterrestrials)
¤ Cosmetic Surgery

6. If you checked any boxes for Question #5, what was the reason for the art/alterations?
¤ Low Self-Esteem
¤ To let everyone know about my unhappy childhood
¤ Mindlessly following social trends in self-mutilation
¤ Drunken whim
¤ To express my Unique Identity, just like everyone else

7. Do you have proficiency with any of the following?
¤ Snake Handling
¤ Small-Appliance Repair
¤ Unarmed Combat
¤ Firearms
¤ Explosives
¤ Covert Surveillance
¤ Origami

8. Have you ever killed anyone, even accidentally? Yes / No
8.a If Yes, explain.


9. Are there embarrassing pictures / videos of you on the Internet? Yes / No
9.a The pictures / videos are embarrassing because you're:
¤ Naked
¤ Having sex
¤ Engaged in BDSM
¤ A Furry
¤ Performing other fetish activity
¤ Attending a John Tesh Concert
¤ Other _______________________________________________________
9.b So, what's the URL? ______________________________

10. Are you actually… (check all that apply)
¤ Royalty pretending to be a Commoner?
¤ Commoner pretending to be Royalty?
¤ Space Alien pretending to be Human?
¤ Robot pretending to be Human?
¤ Human pretending to be a Robot / Space Alien?
¤ Belgian?

11. How many aliases and/or false identities have you used or are currently using?
¤ None.
¤ 1-3
¤ 4-10
¤ 10+

12. Have you ever stolen money or valuables from one or more of the following?
¤ South American Drug Cartel
¤ Organized Crime Boss(es)
¤ Federal Bank
¤ Charitable Organizations
¤ Ninjas

13. Have you ever held anyone against their will as a captive or hostage? Yes / No
13.a If Yes, Explain.


14. Does your physical gender match your chosen appearance, clothing and lifestyle? Yes / No
14.a Seriously, if you undressed right now, could I be, like, surprised? Yes / No

15. Which horrible secret from your past is most likely to come back to haunt you?
¤ Jealous psychopathic ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend
¤ Patsy who took the fall for crime you committed just released from prison and now seeking revenge
¤ Government intelligence agency refusing to let you quit as a covert agent because you know too much
¤ Organized-Crime Boss you testified against before entering Witness Protection seeking revenge
¤ Although you've rejected your magical ancestry, the Ancient Prophecies predict that you will battle the Ultimate Evil to save the world from its Dark Dominion
¤ Angst-filled poetry written as a teenager
¤ Other ____________________________________________________

16. How many questions did you lie about when answering?
¤ None, I swear!
¤ 1 or 2.
¤ Several.
¤ Pretty much all of them.

(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
If you need more, read this Advanced Disclaimer!) All content © 2007 Evan M. Nichols