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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER

Date: January 12, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 3

Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Double your chance of success when wishing on natural phenomena (e.g. rainbows, shooting stars, first star at night, penguins) by hopping on your left foot and hooting loudly. Some people claim that even more effective than hooting is singing the theme to "Spongebob Squarepants," but how believable is that?

The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for January 12 - 18, 2010 is as follows:

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Been thinking of starting a new religion? Jupiter and Saturn decree that conditions favor you right now, if you choose to do so. It's more work than you realize, and after a while it just becomes another job. Expect deception from an Aquarius.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Remember! The recent planetary retrograde transition points directly at an awkward bout of amnesia! It may be you, or someone close to you, and may strike at an inconvenient time. You undoubtedly have prepared notes of things to remember, but are your friends and family ready? A Virgo gives a gift!

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): What good would a horoscope be if it didn't bring you luck? So, Good News: Your chances of winning the lottery will briefly double! Look for key numbers to play in unexpected places, but ignore those which are bogus omens! Surprising kindness from a Gemini!

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Mysterious forces are at work! You'll find a lost item best described as "unusual." And people around you may be zombified. Don't start blasting with a shotgun, look for an antidote first! At least try. Socialize with a Taurus now.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): A trip to the library may reveal a hidden section of shelves, holding books of mysterious origin and arcane knowledge. Hours of fascinating reading, but don't read aloud from the ancient tomes, no matter how tempting! You might trigger a rain of squid, or be deluged by unsolicited commercial email. Put trust in a Libra.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Break away from the ordinary! Take a different path to work, start a conversation with a stranger, or have a friend brush your teeth! You may meet a talking animal, who will give you good advice. Do what it tells you, unless it's a talking wombat. Charming an Aries helps!

CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Ever wonder how things might have been? This is your lucky week! Planetary alignment indicates you'll see how your life could have been if you made a different choice years ago. Ironically, it won't be that much different. A Leo helps keeps you safe.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Mars perks things up, like a brush with espionage and intrigue! An international spy may ask you to hold something for safekeeping. Keep it dry and don't expose it to gamma radiation. And no peeking! Expect white lies from a Scorpio.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Common Wisdom is that opposites attract, like salt and pepper. Know someone you bicker with? You're constantly at each other's throats? You'll find yourself irrationally attracted to them. Don't bother acting on it; those relationships always crash and burn. You'll meet an interesting Sagittarius!

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Take a spin on the Random Wheel of Relocation! You may suddenly find yourself somewhere else, in the middle of doing something unusual. Here's some suggestions, use what's appropriate: Play the Ten of Spades; Hide in the brown locker; Give the monkey the hat; cut the RED wire! Give a Capricorn a tasty snack.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Mercury's acting up for you, you'll have uncontrollable urges to pick things up and fiddle with them. However, if you visit a scientist's laboratory, don't touch anything! You'll end up shrinking to the size of an ant, and that will be inconvenient. Does a Pisces catch your eye?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Been longing for a brush with the Mythological? Well, you may be visited by a one-eyed man in the company of two ravens. He won't actually be a Norse god, so don't be too impressed. Finally, straight talk from a Virgo.

****************************************************************
Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!

>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<

Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:

<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?

Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck,
ASK DR. ELDRITCH! ****************************************************************

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Ask Dr. Eldritch Funspital    I'm in a hospital, and I'm totally bummed, but not why you think. I'm like, into Xtreme sports and over the weekend I wiped out pretty bad and smacked my head really hard. I said I wasn't krunked, but the doctor said I had to stay for a couple days for observation, and I was really psyched! I was all ready for wheelchair races down the hallways, interns playing practical jokes on each other, and then maybe some hot nurse would come by on the night shift and ask if I wanted some "physical therapy," if you know what I mean. I was, like, totally stoked.

But it's so not like that! Nobody wants to do anything extreme, and when I try to have some fun, they're all like, "No you can't do that here." Talk about mega-dull! They just come into my room, do tests, write stuff on my chart and go. And it's not like there are any hot nurses. They're all old enough to be my Mom. It's completely lame.

I thought this would be really great, but it's so totally not. What's up with that?

-- Zach, in the Boring Ward

Dear Zach,
    The answer is so obvious, I'm a trifle embarrassed for you that I have to point it out. You know how all the fun, laid-back summer camps (filled with misfit campers and quirky counselors, constantly playing hilarious practical jokes and pursuing sweaty trysts behind the Crafts Lodge) have a wealthier, highly-disciplined summer camp that is their nemesis? And the Fun Camp is always the underdog in the end-of-summer competition between the two camps, but the campers and counselors always manage to pull it together and defeat the Pretentious Camp at the last possible moment? Well, this relationship between awesome and uptight is found everywhere, not just in Summer Camps. (Some spiritual people claim that a primal relationship of opposing but complementary forces exist in all things in the Universe, and they've come up with a neat little symbol for it, but I think it's trademarked, so I'm not going to talk about that here.) The point is, for every Fun Hospital, like the one you describe, there's an opposing Serious Hospital, like the one you are in. As you might say, "Bummer, Dude."

The good news is that you're much more likely to get quality treatment, as the staff isn't busy slipping laxatives to the patients in the entire ward to prank the orderly on bedpan duty, or off playing video games on the monitors, or talking a nurse into a sweaty tryst behind Radiology. Sure, everybody loves the Wacky Underdogs With Lots of Heart, but their effectiveness is rather marginal when they aren't Saving the Day At The Last Minute. I'd prefer that my health-care providers be the ones who win awards for saving lives, rather than for being fastest at inflating a rubber glove over their head. But to each his own, right?

This knowledge isn't much help to you today, but the next time you're in an ambulance, ask the paramedics to take you to the hospital where "Everyone's cool and stuff." They'll know what you mean and should take you where you want to go. Unless you're being transported by the No-Nonsense Ambulance Company that's the nemesis of the Fun Ambulance Company. In which case, you're hosed.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

 
(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS! THINK FOR YOURSELF! DON'T DO STUPID THINGS THAT MAKE THESE DISCLAIMERS NECESSARY!
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