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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: February 9, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 7
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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It's the annual Valentine's Special! Once again, we celebrate all things Valetinian with the best uncommon-sense romantic advice on the Internet. While the holiday doesn't happen until the weekend, this week's Newsletter will certainly put you and your partner(s) in the mood!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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For best results, replace your Love Philter every 10,000 miles, or sooner if it becomes clogged.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for February 9 - February 15, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Balloons. Seriously. Candy and flowers will work well enough, but for the maximum Valentine's success this year, you should shower your Sweetheart with Balloons! Try giving the ones in funny shapes (including round), filled with helium. Your Valentine will be thrilled (unless you go too far and he or she ends up drifting away into the night...)! Good time to play with a Gemini.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): You may feel you're being Futuristic by sending an artificially-intelligent Valentine's card, but beware! Sure, the cards can converse with the recipient like a Real Person, but unfortunately they're a bit TOO aware. When the cards realize that they're only a few days away from a landfill, they become bitter, cynical and abusive. Makes a cheap digital rendition of Pachelbel's Canon more appealing, doesn't it? An Aries pledges aid.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Rethink giving your Valentine chocolates this year. Your Loved One isn't as excited about this cliché Valentine's candy as you think. Other choices offer some unusual benefits: Licorice causes your Sweetheart to be very forgiving of any mistakes you make, Butterscotches result in cheerful bliss, and Swedish Fish... Amorous Appreciation. Why pass that up? Don't loan books to a Sagittarius!
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): So, letting another Valentine's Day slip past because you're Too Busy?? Or is your excuse that there's "Nobody Special" in your life? That's because your Evil Twin is getting all the action! Track down your Twin's whereabouts and activities, intercept the most appealing of your Twin's friends and steal him or her away into your life! Just be nice about it, as you don't want to turn out to be your Evil Twin's Evil Twin. A Capricorn shares a nice insight about kale.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Has your Valentine been dropping hints about jewelry this year? Perhaps something with precious gems, the more expensive the better? Of course you want something unique, but a purchase from a mysterious Antiques, Jewelry and Reptiles Shop may carry a curse! Unless you want a series of Unfortunate Events to befall you and your Loved One, it's better to buy at the mall. A Scorpio will be particularly truthful.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Pay close attention to your Candy Hearts! Among all the "BE MINE" and "HI THERE", you'll find a set that combine to make a secret message just for you! Wouldn't it be tragic if you'd eaten the ONE WORD necessary for it all to make sense? Be safe; don't let anyone consume ANY of these candies until you've inspected them all! Keep your promise to a Taurus.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): How's it going with your Secret Admirer? If you aren't aware that you have one, then he or she may have been too shy to take advantage of the excellent Valentine's Day opportunities. Perhaps you think you're not in the right place for a relationship right now, but the Secret To Happiness is Low Expectations. A Gemini makes a surprise visit.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): An unusual aspect of Venus allows you to start a long-distance relationship with someone you'll never meet. This bittersweet romance you two share will be marked by a total absence of letters, phone calls, telegrams, communication or contact of any kind. Hard to say what you'll get out of this love affair, unless you can sell your story to the Lifetime Channel. A Virgo misunderstands your intentions.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Who doesn't love a pretty bouquet? Nobody, unless they're given Face-Grabbing Roses! These vexing pests are almost impossible to identify until they've got a lock on your loved-one's head. Insist that the recipient of your floral gift wear a helmet or face mask until you're sure it's safe. That's two or three days, at least. Watch for note from a Libra.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Your Winning Valentine's Strategy is: Chocolate! Lots and lots of Chocolate! Don't merely give multiple boxes of the stuff, be creative! But unless you're bald, coating your head with it is probably a bad idea. Problems communicating with a Sagittarius.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Make plans for a Romantic Dinner, just you and your Special Someone! It won't happen, however, as A Friend From The Past will make an untimely appearance with a tale of stolen microchips, mysterious agents all in black and whopping-huge Statistical Anomalies! Not a romantic evening, but one to tell stories about for a long, long time. An Aquarius needs advice.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): This year, think WAY outside of the Candy Box, and consider unusual or avant-garde gifts for the holiday. Eschew flowers; choose Office Supplies! Avoid candy; seek out Power Tools! Consider Second-Hand Clothes, Wind-Up Toys or the Ultimate Exotic Present: Oven Mitts! A Pisces shares snacks!
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Readers,
While my aversion to questions about romance and relationships is legendary, I do make exceptions on occasion, primarily to reduce the near-constant barrage of queries I receive about how to find, keep, win back or punish a desired romantic partner. Since pair-bonding is one the strongest natural drives, I would be remiss if I did not offer my wisdom on the matter, and what better time than the Most Romantic Holiday of All? Even though Valentine's Day has been hijacked by the triumvirate of Floral Distributors, Candy Manufacturers and Greeting Card Publishers, at its core is a celebration one of our longest-standing traditions: Mating.
Until now, romantic partners had no reliable means of determining whether they were truly compatible. Online dating services have tried. Countless magazines have offered myriad quizzes intended to evaluate the potential success of any given relationship, but they've relied on useless questions like, "Do you have similar family values?" or "Do you both like Mudkips?" Obviously, if any of these questionnaires actually worked, readers of these magazines would achieve happy, long-term relationships, and no longer buy those magazines. (It's possible that those quizzes are therefore intentionally designed to initiate pairings doomed to failure, thereby ensuring the ongoing purchase of more magazines, but I dislike speculating on such cynical conspiracy theories.)
While no quiz is ever perfect, the following is the most successful diagnostic tool for evaluating the romantic compatibility of relationship partners (NOTE: This quiz is designed for two human partners. While it can be used for multiple partners, or human-monster relationships, the results may not be as accurate for these combinations.)
HOW TO TAKE THIS QUIZ:
Both partners read the Qualifier paragraphs for Quiz A and Quiz B, and secretly write down whether the qualifier for Quiz A or Quiz B best describes them. When both partners have made their choice, reveal them to each other at the same time. In the unlikely event that both partners have chosen the same section, each partner quickly ranks each listed item from 1 to 10 (where 1 = No Interest, and 10 = Completely Overwhelming Obsession), and sums up the totals. The partner with the highest total takes that section. If you spend more than an hour arguing about this step, then you have your answer, and don't need to take this quiz at all.
Separately, each partner takes his or her section of the quiz. Best results will be obtained if you answer the questions honestly. Select the answer that is most true for you. If you can't answer a question, just guess.
QUIZ A
Qualifier: To be taken by the partner who likes (or has the greater appreciation for): relationship quizzes, figure skating, chainsaws, phrenology, bonsai trees, monster trucks, Generally Accepted Accounting Principles, ninjas, hand puppets, acoustical tile, jazz, felt, robots, hors d'oeuvres and/or archery.
QUESTIONS:
1. My idea of a perfect date would include:
A. A romantic exchange of office supplies.
B. Candles, incense, chanting and the simulated ritual sacrifice of a stuffed animal.
C. Blasting zombies with a shotgun.
D. Waterslides.
2. The statement that is MOST true for me:
A. Western Civilization has been in decline for the past 4,000 years.
B. I'm upset because my taxes pay for warfare.
C. I'm upset because my taxes pay for welfare.
D. Look over there! Is that a rabbit?
3. I watch movies to:
A. Forget.
B. Remember.
C. Feel smugly superior for not buying into the lies of Popular Culture.
D. Improve glandular function.
4. When describing myself, I'm most likely to use the word:
A. Diurnal
B. Insoluble
C. Fiduciary
D. Throbbing
5. Of these four creatures, I think the most awesome one is:
A. A Giant Prehistoric Penguin with Laser Flippers.
B. A CyberUnicorn.
C. A Superchromatron Echidna.
D. A Turtle.
6. Of these choices, I spend the most time:
A. Covertly mocking complete strangers.
B. Alphabetizing my groceries.
C. Questing for mythical creatures.
D. Causing paradoxes in the Space-Time Continuum.
7. The Most Perfect Food:
A. Tacos.
B. Pizza.
C. Waffles.
D. Anything deep-fried, with cheese.
8. If I could change my childhood, I would have been:
A. Raised by a tribe of feral mimes.
B. Hatched from a giraffe egg.
C. The world's youngest champion at show-jumping video games.
D. Belgian.
9. I am justifiably embarrassed by:
A. The amount of effort I am willing to expend to extract the last of the toothpaste in the tube.
B. My fascination with the vanity license plates owned by the world's best postmasters.
C. My encyclopedic knowledge of boy bands.
D. My certainty that I should be the Ultimate Ruler of Everything.
10. I would LEAST like to meet an untimely demise in the following manner:
A. Mocked to death by clowns.
B. Falling into a rotoscope.
C. Trapped in an elevator between two rival gangs of corporate trainers.
D. Sublimation.
QUIZ B
Qualifier: To be taken by the partner who likes (or has the greater appreciation for): drawing-room comedies, pancakes, mycology, skydiving, Internet memes, smelting, kittens, dirigibles, internal combustion engines, object-oriented languages, pirates, rugby, astronomy, explosives and/or interpretive dance.
QUESTIONS:
1. My best feature is my:
A. Ontology.
B. Krebs Cycle.
C. Theme song.
D. Taxonomy.
2. I am attracted to people with very large:
A. Thermographs.
B. Lexicons.
C. Tubers.
D. Gastropods.
3. My favorite source of information is:
A. Cereal boxes.
B. Snapple caps.
C. Advertising jingles.
D. Telepathic ants.
4. I would LEAST like to meet an untimely demise in the following manner:
A. Excoriated by caustic sarcasm.
B. Self-probity.
C. Being licked to death by butterflies.
D. High-velocity Frottage.
5. The sentence that I am most likely to use in a conversation is:
A. Bears are the Most Awesome Animal EVER!!
B. I wish I had the confidence to start a thimble collection.
C. Where the HELL are my pants?
D. Honestly, Officer, it was like that when I got here.
6. My idea of a perfect date would include:
A. Spirited debate on the efficacy of international trade agreements.
B. Sweaty sex in the back of a cement mixer.
C. Live-trapping mimes for convenient tattooing.
D. Achieving escape velocity.
7. What word do your friends use most often when describing you?
A. Ominiacron
B. Lorthubial
C. Pallahaxic
D. Sarthemorian
8. The greatest invention of the twentieth century is the:
A. Antiseptic telephone.
B. Nuclear flashlight.
C. Self-guided spoon.
D. Sonic stapler.
9. Choose:
A. Even though I was lost in the desert, I still had my library card.
B. Tea cakes, a pot of Earl Grey and chainmail.
C. To reduce the chance of suffocation, stay away from small children.
D. I don't believe in all Conspiracy Theories, just the ones that are true.
10. The best part of the Future will be:
A. The greatly-expanded list of forbidden dances.
B. Self-activating contraceptives.
C. The quantum telegraph.
D. Robot kittens.
SCORING THIS QUIZ:
Using the Scoring Sheet below, write the letters from Person A's answers down the left column. Then write the letters from Person B's answers in the center column.
A B POINTS
1. __ __ ____
2. __ __ ____
3. __ __ ____
4. __ __ ____
5. __ __ ____
6. __ __ ____
7. __ __ ____
8. __ __ ____
9. __ __ ____
10. __ __ ____
TOTAL: _____
Award yourself the following points for these answer combinations:
10 POINTS for every question answered A A, B B, C C, or D D.
5 POINTS for every question answered A B, C B, C D, or D C.
3 POINTS for every question answered B D.
0 POINTS for all other answer combinations.
Add up all the points, and compare your total to this analysis below:
101 Points or Greater: Your math skills are in need of improvement. Please try again!
100 Points: Perfect Compatibility! As a couple, you're as good as it gets. Friends probably look at you two and marvel at how well you get along. You may even be one of those annoying couples who wear matching outfits or will finish each other's sentences in conversations at parties. This is not to say that you won't ever have difficulties, but you have the potential to work through whatever problems arise. Good on you!
63 - 99 Points: You've Chosen Wisely! Despite all the conflicting social influences you've been subjected to, the two of you have managed to find someone with a high degree of compatibility. You'll still notice each other's annoying quirks and idiosyncrasies (you know which ones I mean), but if you can manage to put up with them, you'll do quite well. If you're not feeling this concordance, you should probably see a therapist.
3 - 62 Points: You're Normal! Honestly, since most people don't take this test prior to starting a relationship, it's all pretty much luck of the draw. You obviously have something that brings you together, whether it's a shared love of whimsical figurines or embarrassing bodily functions. Build on that, and work to find agreement in areas that cause friction. Negotiated Compromise is your greatest ally; you may not always agree on who should wear the panda costume, but you may be satisfied with taking turns.
0 Points: Wow. This really shouldn't ever happen. Yet the very fact that you are together is a testament to the Human Spirit! I mean, you're in a relationship against all odds, so you must be the one-in-a-billion couple that can make it work! Congratulations, and Good Luck!
Please direct all complaints and disagreements about the results of this quiz to your respective Congresspersons. Thanks, and Happy Valentine's Day!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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