Dear Dr. Eldritch,
   Up until a week ago, I was the librarian in my home town, but unfortunately perished in an improbable accident at the Library Benefit Ice Cream Social (due to my demise, donations were at a record high, but nobody would eat any of the ice cream. Such a waste!). Imagine my surprise as I approach the Portal to the Great Beyond, only to learn that I have died before my time, and I must return to complete my destiny! Unfortunately, my "earthly vessel" was in no condition for continued habitation, being intermingled with thirty gallons of frozen dairy dessert. My spiritual essence was summarily deposited into the body of a local high-school boy, who had just expired from (how can I put this delicately?) a seizure during "autoerotic activity."

Needless to say, all this was a rather a shock, but I am known for keeping a level head during adversity, and I am persevering as best I can. As a frequent reader of your column, I knew my best plan was to live "Scott's" life as unobtrusively as possible while analyzing my situation. Although I was an unmarried female in my early fifties in my prior existence, I have observed enough behavior of teenage males to know how to blend in. Unfortunately, Scott is captain of the football team, and the game requires much more specific knowledge and skill than I realized. I faked a groin injury, which is keeping me "at the bench" for the time being.

I will admit, not all is going well. I am intimidated by the puzzling rituals and arcane rules of high school. My actions have sometimes brought looks of disbelief from my "peers," and I cannot fathom their behavior. For example, In Study Hall yesterday, I overheard one young woman tell her friends that her boyfriend had pressured her into sexual relations. Well, I stood up and gave them all a stern lecture about how they should not accept such manipulation from anyone who purports to have affection for them, until I realized that the entire class, including the teacher, were staring at me. I received a session of detention for that. If I got through to any of them, it will be worth it.

But these events are not what prompted me to write to you! I believe my destiny involves a very sweet and gentle man named Eugene, who has been courting me for ten years. Last month he asked me to marry him, but I had not given him an answer yet. I feel this is my unfinished business, although I cannot say how we can be wed now that I am in the body of a teenage male. I know it is my role to figure all this out, but my efforts have been constantly distracted by a problem that I find terribly embarrassing.

It seems that even though Scott has passed away, I am, and I blush to say this, overwhelmed by his unnatural sexual obsession. Five minutes cannot pass without a dozen thoughts of a physical nature. In the presence of almost any female I can hardly think of anything other than my interest in mating with her! I strive to keep my mind on my goal, but the randy "monkey on my back" drowns out almost all rational thought! I've been avoiding Scott's cheerleader girlfriend, as I do not know how I will handle myself in her company with these overwhelming urges, and I would be mortified if she actually responded in kind. There is one thing which abates my interest for a while, as practiced by the unfortunate Scott, but this is not something I wish to discuss. Please, what is wrong with Scott? How can I quiet this unnatural glandular fixation so I may pursue my purpose unfettered?

-- Elspeth, Municipal Librarian

Dear Elspeth,
    I probably shouldn't take pleasure in correcting Know-It-Alls (and you're certainly not the worst I've ever met), but you're wrong! Not only are you being unsuccessful in blending in, but these naughty urges you're feeling are COMPLETELY NORMAL! You did, however, ask for help, so I'll tone down my amusement and try to give you something to work with.

What you are experiencing is not a holdover of Scott's personality, but a result of the swirling tempest of raging hormones that flood your adolescent host. Just as you feel your new body's hunger or fatigue, you're also subject to its biochemical changes. Your sexual obsession is merely the manifestation of those, not anything unnatural or wrong. You're just a teenage boy! That's what it's like!

Unfortunately, there aren't any good means of caging the adolescent libido. You may have already tried the traditional remedies; vigorous exercise and cold showers. At best, they work for only a few minutes. Some medicines and herbal remedies lower the drive, but only as an undesired side-effect. My advice is to keep doing what you're doing, and don't be ashamed about it! Statistically, 20% of the population admits that they do it, and 80% lie about it.

Although you realize you are responsible for determining and resolving your unfinished business, and I'm not really a relationship columnist, allow me to point out a few things. First, if you were being courted for ten years, and still hadn't answered his proposal after a month, you're not destined to marry him. Maybe you should just fix him up with someone who won't keep him waiting for another decade. Second, I'd bet the proverbial box of doughnuts that Scott has gone off to quarterback on the Elysian Fields, so while the fuel for your lustful urges may come from his body, the targeting is directed solely by your psyche. This may explain why ten years of courting ended with a "No Sale." You thought Eugene was nice, but he didn't light your fire, did he? Well, now you can explore your desires in a more socially-acceptable context. You may even learn that there is more to teenage boys than you thought.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch