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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: March 30, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 13
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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April 1st is an excellent day to have your Evil Robot Army invade, especially if they wear funny hats or googly eyes.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for March 30 – April 5, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Been putting off that pilgrimage to a guru on a mountain top? This is a good week to go! The advice you receive may not be the stunning wisdom you hoped for, however. Take an extra roll of paper towels. Expect deception from an Aquarius.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): What could be worse than Invisible Flying Monkeys? Well, you may just find out, after a freak accident with an ancient cauldron and a nuclear particle accelerator. Let's just say you'll want an umbrella handy. A Virgo gives a gift!
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Mercury and Mars are inciting the poltergeists! These restless spirits are most troublesome when they're bored, so set out some educational books or games. Of course, if you leave the TV on, you won't hear a peep from them for days. Surprising kindness from a Gemini!
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Have you ever made a huge, life-altering mistake? You may have the opportunity to relive the moments leading up to that event, and possibly do things differently. It won't change the present, but you'll feel better about it all. Socialize with a Taurus now.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Lost your voice? No, it's not laryngitis, but an accidental side effect from crossing a ley-line vortex at the wrong moment. It will only last a day or so; you can use the time for Spiritual Growth, or catching up on you TV viewing. Ice cream might help, too! Put trust in a Libra.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Venus and Neptune line up for a visit from relatives! Not current ones; expect some 14th-century ancestors to manifest in your house. They'll insist on sight-seeing, which will keep you busy for a few days (the automatic doors at the grocery store will be a big hit). And good luck teaching them table manners. Charming an Aries helps!
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Careful what you wish for! You may voice a wish and have it magically granted, but will it be something you truly desire, or merely having a friend stop whining for five minutes? Such a waste... A Leo keeps you safe.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Crop Circles, anyone? Stars indicate significant agroglyph activity. If you're not a farmer, they may be in your lawn, or possibly the living-room carpet. What do they mean? It's a mystery! Expect white lies from a Scorpio
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): For you, this week's theme is "Action!" That could mean getting off the couch and finishing those waiting projects, or possibly car chases, explosions, gunfire, and daring escapes! If that sounds overwhelming, rent a handful of videos and stay on the couch. You'll meet an interesting Sagittarius!
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): You'll be searching stores for your favorite frozen dessert treat, and realize your English teacher is following you wearing a panda suit, and you flee on a bicycle, but your teacher flies through the air in pursuit, and is now an actual panda wearing a sombrero... and you wake up. All a dream! Give a Capricorn a tasty snack.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Here's your chance to be a Secret Agent of Karma! When you witness someone being inconsiderate or rude, just visualize the perfect poetic justice, and it will come true! Be quick, though, or it won't happen. Does a Pisces catch your eye?
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Irritable? Picking fights? What you bought as a charming decorative item may actually be a cursed artifact, and it's causing discord! Up to you whether to toss it out or pay for a professional cleansing. Finally, straight talk from a Virgo.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN APRIL:
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You'll be wanting to study up on the lesser-known Faerie Folk, such as Plenkuvs, who are a sect of drab little Eastern-European gnomes that always drone on about their fantastic plans, but they never really do anything. If you point this out, they'll glare at you balefully, mutter disapprovingly behind their thick, ratty beards, and blame you for their lives of constant failure. If you're lucky, your studies will become terrifically helpful on a quiz show, and not in connection with an embarrassing infestation. During September, you'll want to think about Hot Air Balloons at least once daily. You'll meet seventeen people who have the same name as you, without realizing it. And finally, this is a year to avoid taxidermists, cyclones and peanut-butter éclairs.
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
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>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I went to a magic place with talking animals, and they need my help but I don't know how to get back there. Can you help me? It started when I was playing Hide and Seekers at Great-Aunt Agatha's castle with my cousins, and I hid in a big trunk in the garret. When I closed the lid, the back opened up to a magical land with talking animals and a Good Queen and they were all awfully nice to me, but there's a Bad Wizard who wants to make them all slaves and put the Queen in his dungeon. I stayed there as long as I could, but when I fell asleep, I woke up in the trunk. I ran to tell my cousins about it, but when we went back to the trunk, it didn't do anything. My cousins laughed at me and said it was just a dream, but I know it wasn't. Everyone did tease me dreadfully for the rest of the weekend, and I really want to show them I'm right. How can I get back to the magical place and save the talking animals and their Good Queen from the Bad Wizard?
-- Olivia Barrington-Smythe
Age 8
Dear Olivia,
First of all, let me congratulate you on your luck! You've wandered into an allegory, part of the ongoing inter-dimensional struggle between Good and Evil. Unfortunately, returning there isn't as easy as falling off a bus, if you know what I mean. You'll only be able to get back when that dimension is ready for you to perform the next step in your role. The good news is that you can have a ripping good adventure, and children your age have a very high success rate in these allegories. You can improve your chances by doing the following things:
1. While there, only act for the cause of Good. Play nicely with the talking animals, be polite and kind, and don't do anything hurtful. The Evil Wizard may try to trick you into doing something bad, so be careful.
2. Take some of your least-favorite cousins with you. Sharing the experience will make you better friends, or you can push them out in front when things get dangerous. This may not seem to fall in the category of "Good," but it's called "Acceptable Losses," and you'll understand when you're grown up.
3. Prepare now for your next visit. As a child, you have an innate ability to locate dangerous objects, so find the biggest loaded handgun you can. Secretly take it with you when you next go to Great-Aunt Agatha's. Keep it hidden until you find the Bad Wizard and then, well, you know what to do. Evil magical types are particular poor at defending themselves from non-magical, high-velocity lead bullets, so your surprise should save the day.
After that, everything should be great! The only disappointment is that you'll eventually have to return to this boring, mundane world. Still, you'll have had a Magical Adventure, which is far more than most people ever get from Life, so be grateful!
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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