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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: June 8, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 22
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Scam Alert: If someone comes to the door claiming to be from a Ghost-Removal Service and offering a free inspection, don't let them in! They'll "capture" a ghost, and demand payment for its removal, threatening to release it if you don't pay. The "ectoplasm" they'll dump on the carpet is just corn syrup with food coloring, but it's an annoying mess.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for June 8 - 14, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Mercury, the flighty messenger, directs a Mysterious Package your way! What's not clear is how. It may come in the post, be given to you by a friend, or fall from the sky. And 'package' doesn't necessarily mean a brown-cardboard box, either; it could be something unusual. Wear eye protection! Travel with a Scorpio.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Mars, the Grouchy Planet, will be your primary influence. You'll snap at coworkers, yell at other drivers, invade small countries or order the destruction of harmless planets. Do you really want to have those behaviors on your conscience? What did those harmless planets ever do to you? Cheer up a Taurus.Mercury, the flighty messenger, directs a Mysterious Package your way! What's not clear is how. It may come in the post, be given to you by a friend, or fall from the sky. And 'package' doesn't necessarily mean a brown-cardboard box, either; it could be something unusual. Wear eye protection! Travel with a Scorpio.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): An amazing twist of Fate will bring you immediate fame and fortune! Got your Sudden Wealth Readiness Kit handy? You should! And practice your "Crowd of Adoring Fans" Drills so you won't run and hide under the sofa like you usually do when stressed. Close friend reveals he or she is an Aquarius.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): The stars hint that you'll be dealing with a Superhero! Be watchful; they might be disguised as their secret identity. Of the people you're around, which one seems like he or she may have super powers? You could just ask them, but would they tell you? A Gemini shows surprising qualities.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Ethereal Venus may help you be able to walk through walls. You'll have to practice a bit to get it right, and you may need a running start. If you never get the hang of it, don't worry. But it's a great party trick if you do! An Aries cheers you on!
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Are you familiar with Spontaneous Cloning? Well, you will be! It's rare to have an identical copy of a person suddenly manifest, but it does happen, and you're never more likely to experience it than you will be this week. You can send your clone to a boring meeting, but reward him or her with something fun afterward (how would you feel if you had to do all the tedious stuff? It is "you," after all). A Sagittarius will shirk responsibility.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Do you talk to the animals? This week they'll understand you, and more importantly, you can understand THEM! It's exciting to be able to communicate with birds and beasts, but you'll quickly realize how few things they're interested in. One of them is food. You probably won't want to hear them talk about the others. A Capricorn is angry with you.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): An unusual astral alignment indicates an adventure via an inter-dimensional rift! You won't know when, so carry your knapsack with adventure gear at all times! Yes, it may look strange at the grocery store, but you want to be prepared, don't you? Pass notes with a Libra.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Temptation ahead! You'll be offered a chance to see how the rest of your life goes; the major events, good and bad, from now until your Final Moments. This may seem like a great thing, but it's ultimately disappointing. You won't realize how much you like the unexpected twists until they're not surprising any more, and then it's too late to not know. What is a Pisces not saying?
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Watch your Looking Glass! Observe carefully as you look into mirrors, things in the Reflected Realm may not match what's actually around you. You may see objects that aren't there, or invisible ones that are! And they may be much closer than they appear. Much, much closer... A Virgo catches your math error!
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): The stars indicate that you are not yet back from your foreign adventures. Good for you! See any monkeys yet? How about Raoul? The trinket you buy from a local vendor may turn out to be magical! Beware of the Imaginary Lion! A Libra wants to be useful.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): This week your proverbial Glass is half full, but the contents will be something you don't like. So does that make you an Optimist or a Pessimist? And what does it mean if you trick someone else into drinking it? If you have one of those new Electronic Philosophers, you could get quick answers to these questions. A Leo has been through this.
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<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Three months ago, my husband Wade and I bought a computer-controlled "House of the Future." All the appliances are centrally automated, from the furnace to the coffeemaker. It's voice-interactive, and Wade insists on the sultry female "Victoria" setting. He says it's friendlier than the others (I suspect he's turned on by it). At first this just made me roll my eyes, but it gets worse.
Weird things have been happening. The microwave runs, but my food stays cold. When I was removing a fork from the garbage disposal, it switched on by itself. The lights went out as I was halfway down the basement stairs, and I almost fell. When the computer responds to me, it's the superficial politeness of a stuck-up sales clerk who doesn't think I'm worthy. Of course, Wade's never around when these things happen. When I tell him about it, he gets all sulky. He thinks I'm making it up because I don't like the automated features. I feel like I'm constantly being watched, and it's creeping me out. I want to feel safe in my own home, what should I do?
-- Sophie, in San Jose
Dear Sophie,
Although we're well into the Third Millennium, life is not like the Jetsons, and your situation is a perfect example of why that's so. Your house has bugs, but not the sort that can be exterminated with insect spray. One might blame the original engineers and programmers, but managers and marketers make these breakdowns happen. Desperate to beat the competition, they push products to the market, forcing technical teams to rush designs, take shortcuts and release software without testing. The resulting structures are inherently weak, and tiny errors, that might otherwise only cause the refrigerator to order too many eggs, drive the artificial intelligence mad. Electronic systems gone insane are prone to obsession, and you're becoming the recipient of a multi-megahertz jealous rage. Those little annoyances are going to mature into a 220-volt Bathtub Surprise. The only consolation you'd have is that this techno-insanity would eventually turn from obsessive love for your husband to seething hatred, and his remains would be found protruding awkwardly from the garbage compactor. A tragic end to this twisted love triangle, indeed.
So what does one do when an automated marvel has developed a personality, fixated on your husband, and is just a few computer logical steps away from deciding that everything would be better if you were eliminated? Two 12-step chat-rooms for insane computers are on the Internet (one for Windows, one Mac), but exchanges tend to be micro-second bursts of posts ending with each computer deciding that the others are a bunch of losers. You could try uploading a psychologist application, which could coax your main computer into working through those feelings of hostility and validating your relationship with Wade. These solutions are probably "too little, too late." You need to take direct action.
When you arrive home after dropping Wade at the airport for a business trip, park your car under the garage door to give yourself an escape route. Head for the central control in the basement, blocking doors open as you go. Pull the phone line and switch the main circuit-breakers off, jamming them so they can't be turned back on. While Victoria is running on battery backup, fight your way through her punitive assaults (alarms, sprinklers, power appliances, etc.). Crawl under the garage door (which is probably slamming repeatedly on your car in a vain attempt to trap you), and you're "home free," so to speak. She'll shut down extraneous functions in an attempt to conserve energy, but eventually her flashing lights will fade and she'll become just a ghost in the machine. Have a service technician reboot the system to a bland, personality-free setting and remove the other options. Sure, Wade will sulk for a while. Let him buy a big-screen TV and he'll quickly forgive and forget.
Ironically, this could all be prevented if the engineers would just provide an emergency "Off" switch. They probably suggest it, but their managers always say, "Why? What could possibly go wrong?"
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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