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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: June 15, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 23
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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If your Internet went out, would your family know what to do? Develop a household Internet Outage Emergency Plan and run practice drills every month, to be prepared.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for June 8 - 14, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Giant Mutant Hamsters! The stars hint at an impending attack by these odd creatures, so prepare yourself. Perhaps you can lure them away from the city with truckloads of shredded newspaper and a huge exercise wheel. See Taurus's Horoscope for important note. An Aries is in a slump.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Start creating your army now! Seedlings, that is. Any seeds you start this week will yield plants that obey your commands (within their abilities, anyway). It's not like plants can really DO much, so don't get your hopes up for World Domination or anything. You need Giant Mutant Hamsters for that. A Gemini makes time for you.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Okay, if you didn't achieve the sudden wealth and fame suggested last week, there's still hope. It could happen this week, albeit caused by mistaken identity or a wacky misunderstanding. Still, you may be able to leverage this into a field that you would like to be famous for. How do you feel about clog dancing? Call on a Capricorn for support.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Have a fantastic business idea or invention that you're about to release to the public? Better hold off for a while; the stars say that anything you debut this week will lead to industrial espionage and intrigue. This is understandable if your invention is a water-powered car or a cell phone that actually gets good reception, but what if it's just a new recipe for peanut-banana ice cream? Let's trust that the stars know what they're talking about. An Aquarius has a scheme!
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Your future may include Giant Mutant Hamsters! Soon! Instead of pursuing you, they'll want you to be their leader. It's safer to be a benevolent one; The reign of a tyrant generally ends unpleasantly! Compare and Contrast with Capricorn's horoscope. Surprise from a Pisces.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Say goodbye to your Clone! Products of last week's Spontaneous Cloning are likely to decide to strike off on their own. It's nothing personal. Would you want to be constantly reminded that you're just a copy of someone else? Helping him or her start a new life will reduce temptation for identity theft. A Scorpio brings up past mistake.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Wow, this is unusual! This week, the stars have nothing really to say to you. No mysterious strangers, sudden romances, surprise announcements or attacks by wild animals. So feel free to indulge in your regular routine, and check back next week... Expect a quarrel with a Taurus.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Jackpot! If a psychic gives you a lottery playslip with the numbers filled in, play it! One might think this goes without saying, but Saturn is making you cynical this week. Sure, it's possible that you may win nothing, but how will you feel if those ARE the winning numbers? Remember: When the Universe gives you a gift, always say "Thank you!" Missed connection with an Aries.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Pick your reading material wisely! You'll literally be sucked into a book and become one of the characters for a while. This could be fun if it's a Romance, Western, or Adventure, but avoid Horror. Or even worse, Textbooks! A Leo is unusually quiet.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Most ordinary astrologers don't attribute this key quality to Jupiter, but it's also the Lazy Planet. How do you think it got to be the biggest one? When you feel like hanging out on the couch with a bag of cookies and a pint of Fudge Ripple, just explain that it's your Jupiter acting up again. Who could argue with that? You find item a Scorpio lost.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Does your vehicle talk? Are you sure? Perhaps it never says anything because you've never asked it to. Try a conversation with your car and see what happens. You may learn automotive secrets you never realized you should know! Seek Hidden Wisdom from a Virgo.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): It's Parade of Phobias Week! You'll briefly experience each of the hundreds of known irrational fears, from Aardvarkophobia (fear of anteaters) to Zymurgophobia (fear of brewing beer). Since there are so many, odds are you won't be near a clown when you're experiencing Coulrophobia or being eaten by wild animals when Phagophobia strikes. Still, you may be wearing pants when Pantaloonophobia visits, so be prepared! Tell an Aquarius about a dream.
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<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I've predicted the apocalyptic destruction of the world 173 times incorrectly, but this time I'm sure I'm right! I know when the world is going to end! We need to tell everybody!
I admit, every other time I've predicted the end of the world, my prophetic sense was always off. In 1993, I had a vision of every continent being flooded by a huge wave of something sticky and sweet. Like honey. I know, that didn't happen. Back on January 1, 2000, I was convinced that our doom was not massive computer failure, but a swarm of Winged Gophers From Space that would overwhelm everyone on the planet. In hindsight, it seems a little silly, but that's what I got. Once again, nada. Last year, all omens indicated that a super-dense black hole would be caused by the proliferation of televised award shows, and the entire solar system would be sucked into it. I tried to get the networks to cancel, but for some reason, nobody took me seriously.
Which is a big problem now, because I've just received my clearest premonition yet! On April 13, 2029, a man named M. Enfour is going to engulf the world in fire and smoke! Billions will perish! We must start preparing now to prevent this disaster! You seem the best, most credible source to distribute this warning. So please, help me save the world!
-- Bob the Prophet
Dear Bob the Prophet,
This may come as a shock to you, Bob, but your predictions may not have been as far off base as you think. Normally I don't tell people this, but I believe you and my readers can handle the truth: The world is almost always lurching toward an apocalypse of one sort or another. The planet and its inhabitants are threatened with destruction on a regular basis. So it's possible that every one of your predictions was correct, and only the determined actions of brave men, women and other beings have averted each and every global catastrophe so far.
Remember a few years ago, when the largest Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun in over nine million years threatened to burn everybody to a crisp? No, you don't. Because the Belgian Space Directorate launched a huge reflective shield into orbit to block the rays just in time. The public was told it was an eclipse. Think back; you remember an eclipse, don't you?
Of course, the authorities aren't always the ones to respond. In 2003, creatures from a minor dimension were poised to pour through a huge array of interdimensional portals, to slaughter wantonly and take any survivors as slaves. They were stopped by a rag-tag band of wannabe heroes, who heroically fought -- and some died -- to save a world that had no idea it was in danger. That didn't make the news at all. (Well, a couple of periodicals picked it up, but they're the world-news outlets that tend to run headlines like "Psychic Space Alien Weds Siamese-Twin Bigfoots!" Nobody took them seriously.)
The point, Bob, is that those home-grown heroes became aware of a problem, and instead of merely telling people about it, or hoping that someone else would fix it, they did something. Consider a more active role in your world-saving efforts. Next time you're aware of impending doom, get out there and stop it. Sure, warn people if you like, but most people don't want to know about it. It's the lucky few who first learn of the danger who need to take the bull by the reins and save the world.
You don't think you're qualified? Last year in Topeka, two shoe salesmen, a kindergarten teacher and an exotic dancer who goes by the name "Amber Light" prevented the world from being downed in peach-flavored goo. I'm sure they didn't feel qualified, but when the world needed them, they stepped up to the plate and threw that Hail Mary pass to win the game. That's what I'm talking about, Bob.
As for Mr. M. Enfour, scientists are aware of the issue, but they're more concerned about a thousand-yard-wide asteroid heading to intersect with the Earth's path in 2880. I'm not saying that they've got a betting pool going on where it's going to land, but that might be a good year to not be living in Nebraska, if you know what I mean.
So when you get those premonitions, head on out and save the world! You'll find it surprisingly satisfying, and it will make a great story to tell your grandchildren. Even if they never believe you.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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