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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: July 27, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 27
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Good News: Home Zombie Test Kits are very accurate. Bad News: Once the subject has licked (or bitten) the collection stick, sending it to the lab and getting results back takes about three weeks. Zombieness usually becomes apparent long before then, so save your money until a reliable 5-minute test is developed!
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for July 27 - August 2, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): You say you can't be hypnotized? Think back to last week; any blocks of time you don't remember clearly? Have you had urges to do things you wouldn't normally do? Well, it's probably nothing. Don't worry about it! A Taurus sees something more clearly.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Pay attention to your dreams! Yes, those mystical night-time images will reveal interesting hints of future events. Too bad you can't choose which ones. Wouldn't you rather fly than have an awkward reunion with your eighth-grade History teacher? Your forecasts for a Pisces are dead-on.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Our secret plan to hypnotize a Capricorn is working perfectly! Remember, you can't actually make someone behave completely against their personality, but your Capricorn friend is a bit quirky. Don't push it too far (payback could be unpleasant), but let's see that silly little dance one more time... Trust a Virgo's memory.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Ever want to dig a hole, climb in, and pull the hole in after you? Well, thanks to a bulge in the Fabric of Space, you may get to! Be sure not to close it off completely, or you may literally vanish into thin air. A Leo shows up late.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): This is your week for Laundry Luck! Many of the socks that vanish into the SpaceTime Vortex generated in washers and dryers will mysteriously appear for you. Not just yours; from EVERYWHERE. Got a good use for lots of secondhand socks? Consult an Aquarius for prophesies.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Does that backhoe seem to like you? Or you've met an adoring dump truck? A dearly-beloved pet may have reincarnated as heavy machinery (it happens). Don't be too friendly, or it may follow you home, and that old pet-door is just too small. Verify news from a Libra.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Listen carefully! Diametric pull of the stars may allow you to briefly understand the Secret Language of Turtles! While they appear thoughtful and wise, there's not a lot going on. Still, you may get some insights on what turtles find interesting. A Scorpio predicts your future.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): How long has it been since you jumped into a taxi and said, "Follow that cab?" Stars indicate that this may lead to an exciting adventure, with romance and treasure as your reward! It works better if you actually know who you're following, though. A Sagittarius waxes poetic.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Neptune's influence may cause some photos of you to surface on the Internet. They won't be scandalous, just... unusual. If you think you know when they were taken, prepare your press release now! Venus hints that it may spark romance! Listen carefully to a Scorpio.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Changes! You may wake up in a similar-but-alternate dimension each day this week, like the one where everybody wears rollerskates. Things should be back to normal by the end of the week, if you're not too particular about the definition of "normal." Share luck with a Leo!
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): The stars seem to tell me that you'll pick up some bruises in a bizarre fortune-telling accident. To be safe, steer clear of tarot cards, tea leaves, crystal balls, runes and entrails for the rest of the week. And horoscopes (other than this one)! Forgive a Leo for gloating.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Ready for a change of pace? A friend may come to you with an interesting proposition. This Horoscope never condones illegal activity, but hear them out! Perhaps his (or her) idea may be adaptable into a legitimate business. Know a good lawyer? An Aries is in your dreams.
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<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Do you have any experience with controlling spectral intelligence agents? If we don't reacquire our assets, the terrorists may win.
You see, I work for the Extreme Solutions section of an intelligence agency (you know I can't say which one). We're the group assigned to clean up after failures by Black Ops and Dirty Tricks (but I'm not saying that they exist). We received a directive to explore means whereby intelligence could be gathered from hostile foreign governments and terrorist cells without risk of detection or compromise.
To achieve this, several hand-picked elite agents were given intensive language and reconnaissance training and were subsequently transitioned to a metabolically inactive state. We then used paranormal communication specialists to make contact with them and direct the operatives to specified targets. Initially this worked very well, they were able to penetrate any location without detection and relay back key intelligence.
As the program progressed, however, the operatives became difficult to manage, requiring extensive coaxing to engage a mission. When they were convinced to perform their function, information returned was less and less useful. For example, one operator penetrated a terrorist cell, but subsequently only described to the Para-Comm specialist how drops of water condensed on a soft-drink can and sparkled in the sunlight. We've tried to remind them of their duty and sworn oaths to protect the country, but they lack motivation and commitment.
Can you please help us? The country will be in your debt (not that we would admit it).
-- Code Name "Necromancer"
Dear "Necromancer,"
Excuse me? "Transitioned to a metabolically inactive state?" You killed your own agents and sent their ghosts to spy on people!?! Forgive me for being blunt, but Great Zanthor On Toast! What the hell is wrong with you?
This is why I don't work for governments any more. Something happens to the brains of "intelligence" directors. They seem rational at first, but then start spouting off about omelets as if breaking an egg were morally no different than killing people who work for them! What's with that? It's not like an unfertilized embryo has devoted years of its life to building a career, making friends, possibly raising a family. Perhaps if the saying were "You can't make an omelet without betraying a loyal and idealistic human being who is just trying to do his or her job," then you people wouldn't be so quick to "transition someone to a metabolically..."; no, I can't bring myself to say that.
Why is it when someone says "sacrifices must be made," they're never the one expecting to make the sacrifice? Maybe you should take the trip to the Other Side and have a chat with your intractable assets. Buses leave regularly; just find one and step in front of it!
What's the matter? Suddenly lost your taste for omelets?
My advice? Stop bothering them! Oaths made while living don't carry over to the Next Realm, except those of mythic caliber. And being killed by the very government that one is sworn to protect is a sufficient escape clause for such a covenant. Political manipulation and power struggles may seem dreadfully important to you, but can you seriously believe that your intrigues compare to the mysteries that await the No-Longer-Living? Leave them alone!
While you're at it, never write to me again, unless it's to tell me you've seen the error of your ways and have quit the intelligence community and are now doing good works for orphans and kittens. And don't lie to me. I'll know.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out! Shove off.
-- Dr. Eldritch
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