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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: July 13, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 26
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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Do you like seeing what books people are reading? Perhaps you give others a knowing smile when they're reading a particular favorite of yours. Or you merely enjoy make snap judgments about your fellow riders of mass transit based on their reading choices. With more and more people switching to ebook readers, that silent communication could be lost, unless we do something about it. As my award-winning writer friend Mary Robinette Kowal recently suggested, ebooks should have clear sleeves on the back, and publishers could provide cover flats to insert in them. I think this is a great idea, and to help the cause, if you've downloaded the ebook version of my book, Ask Dr. Eldritch Volume #1 Are Aliens Eating My Crackers?, I'll send you a FREE 4"x6" insert card of the cover! I'll even SIGN it for you, if you like, also for FREE! Just send an email to DrEldritch@AskDrEldritch.com and ask for the Are Aliens Eating My Crackers? cover. You will have to give me an address to mail it to (anywhere in the US, and any country where sending such things is not prohibited). I'll autograph the card, too, unless you ask me not to.
And if you haven't downloaded the ebook version of my book, now is a good time to do so! If you can view a pdf file, you can read it. Just go here: Ask Dr. Eldritch Volume #1 Are Aliens Eating My Crackers? ebook
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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In the Olden Days, when a country's king had a personal crisis, the land suffered from social unrest, natural disasters and sightings of mythical creatures. Today, our Chaos Index is controlled not by the well-being of royalty, but of Celebrities. Therefore, we could probably improve the economy, Gulf oil spill and Texas Chupacabra sightings by keeping Lindsay Lohan out of jail.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for July 13 - 19, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Watch your step! A sharp eye on the ground may turn up a lost artifact; a mysterious coin or amulet, or maybe a bit of litter that turns out to be a device of Great Power! Maybe not, but if nothing else, you've cleaned up a bit of litter. Pat yourself on the back for that! See Libra for further hints...
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Planetary retrograde movement may find you mixing your metaphors, like the proverbial bull in the candy store you are! A stitch in time is a penny earned, but don't leave the fox guarding the sour grapes. Clear as mud in your eye? Carry a few stones with you, just in case. See Scorpio for further hints...
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): If it seems a group of attractive strangers who don't speak English are asking you to judge some sort of contest, be very clear about what they are requesting! The results might not be what you expect. Sometimes that's a good thing. Really. See Sagittarius for further hints...
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): How are you doing with those New Year's Resolutions? Forgotten about them? Revisiting your goals may uncover a long-lost family secret, triggering a chain of events that leads you to buried treasure and some really comfortable shoes. Who wouldn't want that? See Capricorn for further hints...
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Is there someone in your life whose name starts with "M"? Has an "m" in their name? Something's happened with them lately? No? Maybe something is going to happen? Yeah, that's it; someone you know with an "m" in their name will have something happen. So be ready! See Aquarius for further hints...
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): The bad news? A tiny action on your part may lead to a star going supernova. It's a Chaos-Theory thing. The good news is that it will be a distant star, not our local one. So this might be a week to not do much, if you don't want that on your conscience. On the other hand, how many people get to cause a supernova? See Pisces for further hints...
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Are secret agents watching you? How do you know? One or more of your friends who have worked in the intelligence community will need your help when a terrible secret from their past comes back to haunt them. Be careful whom you trust! And a Libra will tell some funny jokes. See Aries for further hints...
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): How are you with enclosed spaces? Stars indicate that this is the week for you to be trapped in an elevator, go on a long submarine trip, or perhaps travel into space. Bonus: You can work on your issues with reptiles, umbrellas, yellow paint, people who snort when they laugh, cocktail onions, liquid soap or fried food. See Taurus for further hints...
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): This week is your Amnesia Awareness Week! Someone you know may get that fateful bump on the head, and forget who they are. Or it could happen to you! You've prepared your "Read This If You've Forgotten Who You Are" documents, right? Well, maybe you should. See Gemini for further hints...
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): I'm going to say a few words, and you write down whatever comes to mind? Thermometer. Amoeba. Senatorial. Dyspeptic. Now shuffle the words you wrote around until they make sense, and that's your Mystic Forecast. (Hey, it's the stars telling you this; blame them if it's confusing.) See Cancer for further hints...
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Watch where you walk! Stepping on the juncture of Ley Lines at just the wrong moment may give you a magically short attention span. It's important that you... Hey, is it raining? Maybe you should wash the car. Is there any cereal left? See Leo for further hints...
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): The stars seem to be saying that if you're part of a cult, you'll gain new allies and rise to a higher position of power than you ever dreamed. Does that makes sense to you? If you've been thinking of joining a cult, now is a good time, but is that what you really want? Don't jump into anything like that without knowing what you're getting into. See Virgo for further hints...
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
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no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I'm a minor character in a crappy Romance novel, and I'm bored, bored, BORED!
I show up at the beginning of the story and talk to Jenny, the main character, who's a friend from school and now an idealistic law student in London. She's just ended a relationship with a self-centered jerk, and I offer her some comforting words and mention that there's an internship available at an environmental-law firm, not realizing that ANOTHER friend of mine works there (Marcus, who pretends he doesn't come from a wealthy family). Anyway, she gets the internship, they meet, fall in love, fight, break up, and we all show up near the end at his family's estate for their holiday party. They admit they still love each other, I reveal a big secret, they realize they can be together, he proposes, she accepts, everybody's HAPPY!
Which is fine, except this only happens when someone actually reads the book all the way through (let's just say that a LOT more people start the book than finish it). The rest of the time all of us characters just wait around for a reader. Sometimes I hang out with Jenny and Marcus, but they're so into each other, I feel a total third wheel. Morris the butler has a few good stories (but I've heard them ALL, many times). The other minor characters are comatose until we're being read, and even then they're screamingly DULL! They merely chatter about how nicely the plot is moving along or what they're going to do in the next chapter. I know all this! It's like they can't think of anything else outside of their scenes. It makes me want to take an axe to the lot of them, but that would change the genre to Adult Horror, and then NOBODY would talk to me.
I'm written as being a scrappy, adventure-loving gal, but I don't get to DO anything! Is there any way to escape the boredom? Please HELP ME!
-- Lucy Mochrie, of (book title withheld)
Dear Lucy Mochrie,
It seems that you have, through no fault of your own, become intelligent. It's tragic and debilitating, but typically can be rectified by watching television.
Don't worry, I'm just kidding! You're fine. But you are more intellectually aware than those around you, which is rarely a comfortable condition. Most literary characters are like the others in your novel; either unable to comprehend anything outside the realm of their story, or lacking all interest in doing so. You, on the other hand, are more aware than your role requires, which is the cause of your distress.
I believe all you need is a Literary Device, and I've got a number of them lying about (they're wonderfully inexpensive at tag sales). Let's try an Epilogue. Allow me:
Morris hummed in a tuneless but cheerful manner as he carried Lucy's breakfast tray down the long hallway. Last night's holiday party had been exceptionally entertaining, capped off by the jubilant announcement of the engagement of young master Marcus and the delightful Miss Jenny. Such was his mood that when he saw the door open before he arrived at it, his morning greeting had a cheeriness completely unlike his typically somber tone.
"Good morning, Miss... Mochrie?" he finished, standing stock still before the figure that emerged from her room.
Lucy Mochrie, for it was indeed she, wore a leather wide-brimmed hat and a matching brown duster, and tall, sturdy boots. The stock of a holstered rifle poked over one shoulder, with the pommel of a short sword behind the other. As she grinned and lifted the glass of orange juice from the tray, he glimpsed matching revolvers at her hips, with a neat row of bullets along the belt. But it was not her thirsty downing of the juice that caused his jaw to drop; it was the large steamer trunk that followed her from the room like a loyal hound, propelled on dozens of small, bare feet. It had no eyes, but Morris had the distinct impression that it was looking back at him.
"Morning, Morris!" Lucy said cheerfully. "Sorry, no time for breakfast. I'll be leaving, for a while." She pulled a sleeve back, revealing a sleek metallic bracer that covered most of her forearm, equipped with a miniature keyboard. She tapped a button and a tiny screen lit up. Morris watched with fascination.
"Pardon, Miss, but might I inquire what that is?" he asked as she keyed rapidly.
"A Literary Relocator," she said. "It allows me to travel into any work of fiction in its catalog, millions of them. I can specify the chapter, page, verse and line, if I choose. Voice activated, too, if things get dangerous." Lucy finished typing and her finger hovered over a glowing-green button.
"Don't worry, I'll be back in time," she said.
"But... But where are you going?" Morris stammered, bemused.
Grinning, Lucy merely winked and tapped the button. She and the trunk vanished, off to another fantastic literary adventure.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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