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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: September 28, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 30
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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Two Awesome Things to Report: I have another stick-figure comic in the Stumptown Underground zine! It's the source for Comic #668, with a reworking of "Scott's Worst Birthday Ever." Second, I won a podcast promo contest at Greetings From Nowhere! I submitted six promos for the podcast, and the winning one starts episode #29. The promo is at the beginning, but you can listen to the whole podcast, too. Check it out here!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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The attack of the head-pouncing Invisible Tarsier feels like a strand of spider web across your face. The Tarsier must be dislodged or stunned within seconds, or they'll do something too horrible to describe! So when you feel that sensation of spider silk, quickly try to club, slap, and bludgeon that Tarsier before he gets a grip!
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for September 28 - October 4, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Time to slow things down, and pause for some introspection; do you really want to rule the world? Or is that plan compensating for an unsatisfying area in your life? Figure this out before you go forward; Global Domination is a lot of responsibility. Expect deception from a Pisces.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): A guy on the street will offer to sell you a watch that doesn't only tell the time, but controls it. The surprise is that it works as described! You'll quickly learn why people generally don't mess with the Time Stream; it's trickier than you think. A Capricorn gives a gift!
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Did you know that people can become strongly magnetic? Well, you will find out, for a while, when that happens to you! It sounds cool, but it's mostly a nuisance (however you can win money betting people that you can make a steel plate stick to your head)! Surprising kindness from a Leo!
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): You know that joke about a scientist, a nun and a pirate who are all locked in a Faraday Cage? Well, look to the punchline for some hidden insight to the problem that's been on your mind lately. It might help if you know an actual pirate. Socialize with a Sagittarius now.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Pluto works in mysterious ways; you'll have an unusual encounter with birds, perhaps a whole flock of them. Don't let them in the house, unless you were planning on cleaning the carpets anyway. Put trust in a Gemini.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Neptune's pull may bring several invisible beings into your life! How will you know when invisible creatures are around? Use Infrared goggles, or sit on a whoopee cushion and listen for giggling. Charming a Capricorn helps!
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Is your car acting up? The shifting of Mercury may be making you vulnerable to gremlins! They don't like Pine scent, so stock up on air fresheners (you didn't know there was a reason they're pine-scented, did you?). A Pisces helps keeps you safe.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): What luck! This is a good week for business ventures, and your cyborg friend will come to you with an interesting proposition! What, you don't know any cyborgs? Are you sure? I think you're in for a surprise. Expect white lies from a Taurus.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): The Mysterious and Otherworldly will leave you alone this week, making this time quiet and uneventful! About the most exciting thing to happen will be finding something in a coat pocket that you thought you lost. Enjoy the lull, for now. You'll meet an interesting Aquarius!
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Duck! Do you know what a trebuchet is? If not, you may find out in a particularly painful manner. While outdoors, wear a helmet and maybe some heavily-padded clothing. Better safe than sorry. Give an Aries a tasty snack.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Can't we all just get along? Not a good week for you to curse others; planetary alignment may send it spinning back to you! Be nice, and avoid the embarrassment of giving yourself boils or leaving a trail of toads. Does a Leo catch your eye?
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Do you know where your shadow is? Keep asking yourself this question, as yours may take to wandering off. If you're worried about it, wrap your shoes with double-sided tape, to keep it stuck on you! Finally, straight talk from a Gemini.
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<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I be Xygothor, Chief Advisor to Phingasht, Supreme Ruler of Lapaeria, and soon to be emperor of your planet! We prepare to invade your planet from our dimension, and are willing to offer you much goodness in exchange for helpness. We are a race of wealth and comfort, but we need slaves to perform the menial tasks that are beneath us. Our might has grown so much, no more slaves can be found on Lapaeria. After great searches, we found your planet, full of future slaves for us.
Our sciencers have studied your ways, and we have much knowing of you puny humans. Unlike you, we do not fight among ourselves. We know you are split into many countries and cannot understand each other. We have even analyzed your ideal feed and know it to be fermented malt beverages and the food you call pizza.
Do not fear! We do not wish to harm any humans, merely to make them serve us. If you tell us best way to control humans, much lives will be saved and you will be given many reward. You not be a slave, but a Lapaerian citizen.
Do not wait! Our invasion is imminent! All hail Phingasht!
-- Xygothor of Lapaeria
Dear Xygothor,
Sorry, Big Guy, seems like you need to whip the languagers until they eagerly volunteer for some overtime. Your grasp of English isn't as mighty as you think. Let me see if I follow your offer: If I help you, I'll be a traitor to my race and an outsider citizen. Well, nothing like being hated by both sides! Imagine my excite.
If I seem a tad cynical, it's because I get offers like this frequently. I might be more interested if any of the previous potential invaders ever managed to successfully accomplish the three basic recommendations I give to those who want to conquer humans:
1. If you feel you must enslave humanity, try a pilot project first with a small advance team. Practice on the remote areas known as Idaho and Montana. You'll find groups of people dressed in mottled green clothing running around in the woods. Tell them you've come to enslave them. They've been expecting you.
2. If that goes well, head south to a large city in the desert known as Las Vegas. This is a excellent place to relax and unwind with what we call "Gaming." Sounds fun, right? Borrow a bunch of human dollars and "game" for a while. Don't worry if you lose all of your money and need to borrow more. They're very understanding about that.
3. Most importantly, convert all of your computer systems to Windows operating system, starting with the most critical ones. Don't bother with the latest releases, an older version is fine. Set up for remote access, file sharing, ActiveX scripting and XML so you can communicate amongst yourselves and then get high-speed Internet access. Oh yes, don't be tricked into buying "firewalls," "virus protection" or "service packs!" Those are just expensive extras sold to gullible buyers. Don't worry, the Internet's perfectly safe.
My best advice for your situation is: Don't. Humans can accept being manipulated and controlled, as long as they believe they have freedom. We don't like being enslaved. Even with a steady diet of beer and pizza, the shackles chafe, and sooner or later there would be an uprising. We won't be so particular about you getting hurt in the process.
I know the elite dislike any suggestion that involves separating them from any of their wealth, but have you considered hiring some humans to do the menial tasks? Don't scrimp; offer attractive wage and benefit packages. Give bonuses for the dirty and dangerous jobs. There's a reason my language doesn't have a word for "Revolt by the comfortable working class that's being paid fair wages with reasonable health coverage and reliable retirement investment opportunities." Hiring employees instead of taking slaves may mean the top 1% of the population will only control a mere 75% of the wealth instead of 95%, but how many mansions do you need? The morning you wake up to an angry mob crashing down your door, you won't be thinking "I'm glad I bought a second yacht instead of paying a living wage!" So what sounds better, a more equitable division of wealth, or being greedy until they put your head on a pike?
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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