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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: October 5, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 31
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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Remember, I'll be at Wordstock this weekend, at the Willamette Writers table from noon to 2:00 on Saturday! I'll also be at the event for much of the weekend, to see some of the presentations and readings. If you're there, I hope you stop and say hi!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Metropolitan areas are expanding into the habitat of more and more wild creatures, including the elusive Sasquatch! The urban Bigfoot may be seen rooting through garbage bins, looking for food and old copies of People magazine. These creatures are shy and usually flee when approached, but may attack if subjected to loud noises or sarcasm.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for October 5 - 11, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Been digging lately? Don't dig too deep; things that live underground may find their way to the surface! They could merely be curious, rather than ravenous, so don't assume the worst! Keep some treats in your pocket, to win them over? Offer help to a Gemini.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): You've been pranked! Strange events around you may be due to a practical-joke TV show. Stay calm, and look for the hidden cameras. Of course, remember Rule #47: Treat all Ninja Attacks as if they're real. Take time to visit with an Aries.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): The arrangement of the planets stirs up a Luck Storm, centered around YOU! People you know in the vicinity may be struck by bolts of Bad Luck, but you'll be in the eye of the storm, reaping tranquil Good Luck! Take some chances, you may be well rewarded! A Sagittarius makes a challenge.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): No running with scissors! Of course, those who repeat this admonishment rarely tell you that it can cause rips in the fabric of Space and Time, which you may find out in a sudden and disturbing way! Keep some duct tape handy for quick repairs. Avoid talking politics with a Capricorn.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Your big plans for the weekend may go all pear-shaped; a surprise visit from family or perhaps your ancient ancestors will throw a wrench in the works. Imagine trying to explain the Internet to a 15th-century scribe. Maybe you should just stay home and barbecue something. Be open to a new idea from a Scorpio.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): You know how banks sometimes accidentally deposit huge amounts of money into random accounts? Keep an eye on your balance, and you may be in for a pleasant surprise! Of course, they'll take it back when they realize their error, so be ready for a quick cash withdrawal and a move to a tropical paradise. A Taurus craves your attention.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Ever dream that you're in a play right before the curtain rises, but you don't know your lines and you never went to any rehearsals? This may happen to you in real life! Just make it up as you go along; that's what most actors do, anyway. And it may all lead to an interesting encounter with a fishmonger. Be careful, a Gemini has a cold to share.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): This week is brought to you by the Number Four! Notice how many times a 4 shows up; it will be significant! Phone numbers, addresses, the combination to a safe? Or if you've had a string of failures, maybe "the fourth time's a charm!" Make some music with a Virgo.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): The imps and pixies return, so be ready! Light some vanilla incense, and leave a few small piles of candy around the house. If these uninvited guests are in a good mood, they may not interfere when a stranger arrives with interesting news! Let a Libra win, just this once.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Spend some time pondering the Wisdom of the Ancients. Do they have some insight for a problem you're facing? Or will their tedious droning merely be a blessed distraction? Remember your library books. Join forces with a Sagittarius.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): You may find your mind wandering... literally! If you're not used to astral projection and remote viewing, it may feel weird to see distant places as if you were a disembodied brain floating about. Just remember to come back home again, and you'll be fine. An Aquarius will need a hug.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): You know how royalty sometimes disguise themselves as peasants and mingle with the lower classes to see how they live? Jupiter hints that you'll meet an incognito ruler. It might turn out to just be Earl the Waterbed King. Still, no harm in asking for a royal boon! Look to a Pisces for a change of pace.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN OCTOBER:
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Your objectivity will be tested more than once this month, as well as your credulity. When someone tells you that the food disappearing from the refrigerator is being taken by small fairies with famous-brand athletic shoes, don't dismiss this out of hand. How can you prove that true or false? A phone call from someone claiming to be an old friend sparks (or perhaps renews) an interest in zero-gravity bobsledding. Now is also a good time to set your goals for the next twelve months, especially if you're reaching 20, 31, or 47 years of age. What do you want to accomplish before you're 21, 32 or 48? This is not the year to get a full-body tattoo. How about a community-college cloisonné class instead?
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I suspect my boyfriend has a secret life I don't know about, should I be worried? I mean, I am worried, but should I try to learn about his past, or pretend it doesn't matter?
My boyfriend, "John," and I have been living together for six months, and I thought I knew him really well. Everything was fine until a college friend of mine sent an invitation to her wedding in Denver. I was excited, but John was reluctant. The more I wanted to go, the edgier he got. He said it was because he didn't want to be at a party where he didn't know anyone, but he's always been fine with that before. I pressed, but he'd never give me a believable excuse. I finally played the "if you really love me" card. I'm not proud of that, but we booked our tickets and flew to Denver for the wedding.
John was tense on the way there, but he relaxed once we got to the hotel. He even had a good time at the reception. That lasted until one of my friends suggested that all of us from out of town should go to brunch together the next day. John didn't want to go, and got defensive when I asked him why not. He couldn't give me a good reason, and we got in a bit of a fight over it.
The next morning I was getting ready to go to brunch, and he decided to go too. He seemed nervous until we were seated, but then acted like nothing was wrong. It annoyed me that he had made such a fuss over it, but I would have forgotten about the whole thing if something strange hadn't happened as we were leaving.
We were on the way out, and a man coming in did a double-take at John, and said "I didn't know you were back in Denver!" John went white, and said he must be mistaking him for someone else. The man insisted he knew him, and John practically pulled my arm off dragging me out of the restaurant.
Since then, John refuses to talk about it. He denies ever being in Denver before this trip. I want to believe him, but I realized how little I know of his life before we met. While he was at work, I did some snooping. His photo album only has pictures from the time he moved here, about two years ago. He has no school yearbooks. No souvenirs or mementos of any kind. He doesn't even have tax records from before. I did find a tattered photo of a woman and a small child that could have been John when he was young. On the back was written "Mom and Andy." The stranger called him "Andrew," could that be John's real name? I thought I trusted him, but now I feel there's a big secret he's keeping from me.
I'm a bit freaked out about it. Should I try to dig up his past, or is it better to just let it be?
-- Kim, from "John's" New Life
Dear Kim,
It's perfectly natural to keep secrets from a life partner. Granted, those secrets are usually more like "what really happened to your antique stained-glass lamp," or "he wears your dresses when you're out with your friends." Now, don't panic! I'm not saying John actually does this. You should probably ask him about it, though, especially if things in your closet seem to shift around mysteriously. Lots of men like cross-dressing, particularly the British. Nobody knows why. But I digress; the point is that having secrets is normal, and in itself, is not cause for alarm.
Most people don't realize that approximately 50% of the American population is using an assumed name at any given time. This would be more widely known if the census included a question like "Have you changed your name or identity to conceal your past?" (Assuming that anyone would answer the question truthfully, that is.) But there are many types of people who assume new or false identities:
- Retired intelligence agents,
- People who have faked their own deaths,
- Underworld and criminal types escaping from their past,
- Witnesses to horrible crimes,
- Con artists and grifters,
- Those escaping debt,
- People in the Witness Protection Program,
- Those who have gotten too close to government conspiracies,
- Active undercover agents,
- People embarrassed by their bachelor's degree in philosophy,
- Superheroes,
- And those who are just doing it because everyone else is.
So should you worry that he may have changed his identity and fled his past? Absolutely. Everyone who starts a new life under an assumed name will eventually have the issues from their old life come back to haunt them. It appears that you've started that ball rolling with the trip to Denver, and once that train leaves the station, the chickens are going to come home to roost. Unfortunately, the girlfriend of a guy trying to escape his past usually gets kidnapped by his pursuers so the guy has to rescue her. You don't want that. Too many things can go wrong.
Show John this letter. John, you need to tell Kim the truth so the two of you can deal with the aspects of your previous life that are coming to find you. If you don't, she's going to get out of town until this is over, because it's no fun to be kidnapped.
Okay, back to Kim: The good news is that this can be the bonding experience that cements your relationship. Nothing brings two people together like a life-and-death struggle against individuals intent on causing you grievous bodily harm! Once you make it through this adventure, the actual fate of the lamp will seem trivial, and you won't mind that he looks better in your velvet gown than you do.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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