|
ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: December 1, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 34
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
-----------------------------------------------------
Back when I was preparing my first book, Ask Dr. Eldritch Volume #1 Are Aliens Eating My Crackers?, I discovered that Famous Writers and Artists who say they will give you a quote for a book's back cover are a flaky and unreliable lot.* Rather than go through that again, I thought, "Who better to praise the Advice Column than my Fans?" So here's announcing your chance to be quoted on a book's cover: The Ask Dr. Eldritch Quote Contest!
Simply write a brief blurb in praise of the Ask Dr. Eldritch Advice Column or Newsletter, indicate how you want to be identified (e.g. your Internet pseudonym, a code name or even your real name, if desired), including any noteworthy credits (e.g. author of some book, blog, website, or comic; arts/entertainment columnist for some prestigious periodical; long-time reader of Ask Dr. Eldritch; saw Bigfoot that one time; etc.).
Email it to contest at the Ask Dr. Eldritch website (@AskDrEldritch.com) by December 31, 2010. Include the word "Newsletter" in the Subject line!
All entries will be turned over to the Judging Minions, who will evaluate each submission based on quality, brevity, humor, authenticity, heat-resistance and various other criteria. The Best Submissions (as judged by the Minions) will appear on or in the book! We will fit in as many as we can, so fire up your word processor and start typing!
* Jay Lake and Beren deMotier excepted.
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
--------------------------------------------
The Pencil Viper is a venomous but none-too-bright cousin of the Cobra family. They nest in junk drawers and pencil holders, believing themselves to be surrounded by other vipers. So the next time you reach for that mug of broken pencils and dried-up pens on your desk, poke it a few times to make sure none of them will bite.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your astrological forecast for November 30 - December 6, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Feeling tired lately? You're possibly being drained by little Energy Vampires; they're common in cooler weather. They hate the smell of cheap cologne, though, so coat yourself thoroughly to keep them away. Good time to play with a Leo.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): You've heard the phrase "dancing on the ceiling?" You could be in for some Localized Gravity Inversions. It's the transitions that are rough; wear a helmet indoors and tether yourself when you go outside. Better safe than sorry! A Scorpio pledges aid.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): You never know who is sitting next to you on a bus or standing in line at the grocery store; Fate may bring the current-day reincarnation of one of your historical heroes within arm's reach. Asking strangers about their past lives may be rewarding! Don't loan books to a Taurus this week!
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Ever been Beside Yourself? Planetary alignment is right for a duplicate of you to make an appearance! Friends and family may mention conversations that you don't recall having, or describe behavior that you didn't do. Take standard doppelganger precautions. A Libra finds it all boring.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): The Universe has got your number! Your phone number, probably; hidden within it is a clue to an important event. Add the digits up. Translate it into words. You'll need to decode it properly to get your insight. A Capricorn will be particularly truthful.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): If you've always wanted to celebrate a special bond with oviparous mammals, this could be your week! It could be a psychic connection, or perhaps they will be drawn to you; use your new friendships wisely, though. Keep your promise to a Pisces.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): I know you thought you were just about to have an exciting Adventure at Sea, complete with a romantic liaison with the attractive ship's doctor and solving a mystery surrounding the disappearance of the sultry Cuban photographer, but it's not going to happen. Sorry. Expect surprise visit from a Virgo.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Tempted by a Supernatural Quick-Fix for that embarrassing problem you've been having? Stars indicate that the end result will be disappointing, even if the fix is successful. And it's okay if you don't tell me about it all. Really. An Aquarius misunderstands your intentions.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Did any of your ancestors do something regrettable? An ancient curse may manifest some unpleasantness. Take comfort in knowing that it wasn't you who brought it about, and it will pass. Watch for note from an Aries.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Might be a good time for a haircut. A case of mistaken identity could result in you being hailed as the leader of a huge religious cult, if only for a few days. Still, it will get lots of attention, and you want to look your best for the news photos, right? Problems communicating with a Taurus.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): What do you know about caves? Pluto's dark pull may lead you into the depths, and not everything that lives underground is friendly. On the other hand, not everything will try to eat you, so take it all on a case-by-case basis. A Gemini needs advice.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Strange sensations? You may be getting some extra-sensory perceptions! Instead of clairvoyance, where you see visions of things far away, you'll experience "clairtaste," where you taste things that are happening somewhere else! (Yes, there should be a better word for it.) A Scorpio shares funny stories!
****************************************************************
Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
****************************************************************
Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I'm a police detective. Well, I was before I reincarnated, now I'm a baby. It's terrible! Try typing an email with the motor skills of an infant! I can't talk, can barely roll myself over. It's humiliating. I'm back to whapping myself in the face with a rattle. Man, I need a smoke...
But here's the deal: After thirty years on the force, I can tell when something's going down. I'm sure Old Man Gufstason next door is being set up by his twenty-six-year-old "girlfriend" for some sort of scam. He's a retired bank executive, knows everything about international financial markets. I bet a background check on "Trixie" would show she's not the innocent minister's-daughter she pretends to be, but who's going to listen to a baby?
In this crappy situation there is one ray of hope. Last week I had a new babysitter, Chelsea, and I think she can hear my thoughts! I was staring at her chest (hey, I was hungry), and she said "Okay, I'll get your bottle." Then she gave me a look like she couldn't believe what had just happened. I tried to get her to acknowledge she could hear me, but she put me down for a nap and the next thing I know, my parents are home and Chelsea's gone. We could team up; I've got the know-how and she can do things I can't, like talk, drive, and change my diapers. We'd be perfect for stakeouts; who's going to suspect a nanny and a baby? I'm sure I can convince her if I see her again.
Damn! Someone's coming. They think I'm napping and I'm not supposed to touch DaDa's computer. Let me know what I can do to contact Chelsea again. And any chance you could sneak me a bottle of whiskey while you're at it? Even a little one?
-- Det. Robert "Rock" Brannon, a.k.a. "Andy Jr."
Dear Andy Jr.,
Sorry, Champ, no whiskey for you! The good news is that the variety of baby foods has increased tremendously since the last time you went around. Try the pear and winter squash mix, I'm told it will knock your booties off.
Lest you think I'm making light of your situation (okay, I'm going to laugh a little), let me point out that you're part of a growing trend. Did you know that at the current rate of growth, within ten years quirky investigators will outnumber criminals? Starting with Sister Mary Forgiveness, the crime-solving "Nun with a Gun," the legions of differently-abled, mismatched, obsessive-compulsive, or otherwise oddball sleuths has only increased, each more unusual than the last. And it's not just humans; there's a massive Armillaria fungus in western Washington that recently got a Private Investigator's license and broke a Canadian placebo-drug smuggling ring.
So here's my advice: Just don't. Does the world really need a crime-solving baby? With the memories from your previous life, you obviously feel driven toward investigation work now. But why pass up the freedom of being a child again? Maybe you'll find you want to be an artist or musician in this incarnation, so bang the pot lids together and smear the fingerpaints about! If you get to go through childhood and adolescence with the wisdom of an adult, you can enjoy the fun parts without having to make the painful mistakes! Doesn't that sound more enjoyable than snooping through trash cans or getting roughed up by a crime lord's minions? And I shudder to think what Hollywood would do with your story if they got hold of it...
Nor are you the only one who can sense when someone isn't telling the whole truth. Much is revealed by what you're NOT saying; you're thinking you can avenge your death, aren't you? You want to find the scumbag who shot you two days before retirement. (Surprised that I can tell? Believe me, this happens a lot.) It's normal to want revenge, but you probably had a new partner, despite your insistence that you work best alone, right? It's up to him or her to solve that case, not you. I know you probably thought your partner could be outwitted by a bagel, but it's out of your hands.
So turn your attention to enjoying your new childhood! Learn to walk before you run after bad guys. You'll have lots to entertain you; did you know they have exercise shows for babies now? Give them a try, and maybe you can get past that face-whapping stage sooner. Until then, stick with the plush toys...
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
|
