|
ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: December 21, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 34
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
--------------------------------------------
Tired of those Visions of Sugar Plums dancing in your head? Just visualize hundreds of Sugar Plum traps covering the floor, and they'll be gone in no time!
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This week, a Special Guest Astrologer! Draekkar the Slaughterer, a 2,306-year-old Warrior-King, returns to write the HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY! Many thanks to Draekkar, and the woman who channels him, Mrs. Edith Mims, of Dorking, Surrey, England.
Your astrological forecast for December 21 - 13, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Minions of darkness will despoil your stores, all food within your walls shall rot and become unfit for even the beasts of the ground. Famine stalks your people, and despair will follow. It's nice to tip your grocer for when making special requests!
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Revenge! May your retribution be like unto a great flood upon your enemies, leaving them to be consumed by the great leviathan and angry kracken! One never knows when extra handkerchief may come in "handy!"
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Plundering Barbarians will roam the night, leaving a trail of fire and destruction!. A blood-oath sworn may be your salvation, but fear the arcane mysteries of the deep! Nobody minds if you pop by at tea-time with a basket of crumpets and marmalade!
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): The line of kings will fail, the skies darken, and noisome pits will rend your fields, spilling foul brimstones upon your crops and driving your herds into the hills. Address your holiday cards for next year before Epiphany, and you'll have no trouble posting them on time!
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Beware the work of Evil Mages, dark spirits spreading plague and driving your armies before them like wild beasts of the field. All auguries point to destruction and decay. Little courtesies count for so much; have an extra "Please" and "Thank you" handy!
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Beware the Wandering Bards! The coming of a singer of songs from a distant kingdom heralds pestilence, like a festering blight upon your lands. Have the neighbors over for tea, and chat about the weather.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): The gibbering spectres of Despair and Doom lay siege to your stronghold, and naught but a sacrifice of one tenth of your flocks shall satisfy them. Drop off any extra winter clothes in the Charity Bins, it's a lovely thing to do this time of year!
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Fear the Blind Oracle; all auguries are foul. No good will come from the reading of the bones or entrails, and all paths will lead to doom. Brighten a friend's day with a cheery phone call.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Don't let shoveling snow be drudgery! Invite the neighborhood children to help, and offer them cocoa and treacle biscuits after. End with some caroling for a jolly good time! Then devour their souls!
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Before the winter snows smother the Earth, seize your neighbour's lands! Drive his serfs forth and pillage to your heart's content. A basket of fruit with a bit of curly ribbon makes a nice hostess present.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Woe to you and your misbegotten spawn! An ancient curse ravages you, your kin and your kine. Your wailings of despair will rise into the skies and bring joy to your enemies. Best pick up some spare bandages at the chemist's.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Treachery and betrayal! Those who you trusted will rise up against you, and your final moments will be consumed by the swinging of their blades. Beware! Perhaps any unpleasantness could be avoided by timely "Thank You" notes.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN DECEMBER:
------------------------------------------------------------
Imagine the sensation of a trap door opening beneath your feet just as you discover that everything you thought you knew about double-entry bookkeeping was wrong. That feeling describes your year to come, although the results may not be as painful as landing in a pit or having to retake multiple accounting courses. In the Spring, a routine call to tech support will reveal the truth about the existence of were-dolphins. A minor salon-rage incident reminds you of the importance of good penmanship. You will also play a key role in the invention of Electric Croquet. Your Lucky Color will be tangerine, if that's not your Lucky Fruit. If you're turning 27, 34, or 46, beware of llamas posing as con artists.
****************************************************************
Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
****************************************************************
Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Santa's disappeared! Christmas is in danger! Please help us!
All of us Elves have been working hard making toys. That's what we do! We make toys! I make those little finger-trap tubes. All the other elves laugh at me, and say that nobody really likes Finger Traps, and that all children are bored with them in two minutes.
But I know Santa believes in me, because I was in the Workshop late last night, trying to make the Best Finger Trap Ever. I was sad because it wasn't working, when Santa came in. "There, there, Little Timmy Elf," he said. "What's important is that you have the Christmas Spirit. With that in your heart, you can't help but succeed!" I felt better, and he went to check on the reindeer.
Just as he went out the door, I heard somebody say something in Belgian! Then it sounded like a fight! When I opened the door, Santa was gone! All that was left was his hat. I ran and told the other elves. They reported it to the Police. I kept telling everyone that we should find Santa, but they all said that we must keep making toys, and leave the investigation to the authorities.
I'm so worried. What if they can't find Santa? What will happen to Christmas? Please, what should I do?
-- Timmy, the Littlest Elf, at The North Pole
Dear Timmy,
There, there, Little Timmy Elf! I'm sure it will work out fine!
You are right, though, Christmas has never been rescued by any bureaucracy (well, there was one time where the holiday-saving was done by Mindy, the Littlest FBI Agent, but that's the exception). And I'm certainly not saying that the Belgians are behind every plot to steal Christmas, but that's a good place to start. So follow the clues, and I'm certain they will lead to a final show-down which can only be resolved by an expert in Finger Trap Technology.
As you probably know, Christmas is the #1 holiday for being "At Risk" (#2: Arbor Day). During the last century alone, Christmas has been imperiled at least once each year, and occasionally two or three times. The stories of some of these events are rather well known. One of the most famous rescues was performed by Roger the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Yes, I know that's not the way the song tells it, but studio heads decided that his real name sounded too much like a verb. It could have been worse; the sleigh might have been guided by Roger's red-nosed brother, Bugger).
Although the "Christmas" holiday is a relatively recent development in Human History, a mid-winter festival of some sort has been celebrated since our prehistoric ancestors huddled in chilly caves to survive the cold. They weren't sure if the warm weather, edible plants, or even the sun itself would ever return. As they sat around the tiny fire, listening to the hunting cries of Saber-Toothed Penguins and the Giant Woolly Marmot, they thought, "This is Bad! It could be The End! Now I wish I hadn't hit Thog with my club!"
Those regrets, and the fear of the uncertain future, caused those cave-persons to look about at everyone around their fire and have warm and loving thoughts about them. Sometimes, those feelings would extend to everyone in all the other caves too, and the Cave Person would think about how much better the world would be if everyone were nice to each other. These feelings inspired Festive Rituals, where the cave people celebrated their togetherness and their hopes for the future. And then someone would start an argument about how the prehistoric buffalo was never cooked properly or why did they have to have the winter festival in the same cave all the time, and everything would be back to normal. These traditions continue today.
The point is, whether the rescuing is being done by children, animals, animated toys, elves, robots, or even a shipload of nineteenth-century pirates (it happened), saving the Holiday Spirit is now as much a part of the season as drinking Festive Holiday Beverages. Apparently it's too easy for most people to just keep doing the modern equivalent of clubbing Thog. Someone needs to remind everyone to spread a bit of Peace, Joy and Goodwill to All. So get out there and save the holiday, Little Timmy Elf! We're all counting on you!
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
|
