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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: January 11, 2010
Vol. 8, No. 1
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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You know that female Merfolk are called "Mermaids," but what if they're male? Always Traditionalists, they prefer "Mermen," will accept "Merperson," but never "Merdude."
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for January 11 - 17, 2011 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): The influence of the mysterious Tenth Planet may explain your odd cravings to produce Gilbert and Sullivan musicals, performed by sock puppets. The world just isn't ready for an Argyle with button eyes singing, "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General." Travel with a Sagittarius.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Ready for some Celebrity Spotting? You may see the Grimy Reaper on a bus or at the food court in the mall. He's like his brother Grim, but he collects things that are too dirty to use anymore. It's neither enjoyable nor as glamorous as his famous brother's role, so give him a kind word as you go by. Cheer up a Libra.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): If you weren't eaten by a polar bear last week, congratulations! This week will find you surrounded by strangers; perhaps a convention, concert or riot. Be friendly, but use a false name and don't go home with any one who seems overly curious about your knowledge of Classified Information. Close friend reveals he or she is a Scorpio.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Blast from the Past! An old friend calls you "on a whim," but not all is as it seems. Don't be afraid to ask whether your friend is trying to evade unsavory types who are searching for him or her, and is looking to you for sanctuary. It's the sort of thing you want to know, either way. A Pisces shows surprising qualities.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Your sense of optimism is fine, and you can't be blamed for hoping that things will work THIS time, despite a string of previous failures, but you just won't get a crowd to engage in a spontaneous dance number by bursting into song! Give it a rest, already. A Virgo cheers you on!
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): A fairly quiet week! About the worst you'll face is giving directions to someone who will, no matter how perfect your instructions, utterly fail to follow them. Consider describing a route to somewhere completely different so they may end up where they want to go. A Leo will shirk responsibility.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): A deadline looming at work that you're afraid you won't hit? A new "vendor" may offer a quick fix, but be sure to read the fine print before agreeing to anything! Refuse any deal with the word "soul" in it. Or "karaoke." An Aries is angry with you.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): First Contact! Cross-dimensional Rifts offer you a pen-pal from another dimension! Unfortunately, his two interests will be collecting rocks which are slightly lumpier than other rocks, and celebrity gossip. Up to you to decide how much you can take. Pass notes with a Capricorn.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): All signs point to a serious bout of Symbolism! Does that stranger waiting for the bus represent your Childhood Fears of Lightbulbs, or your anxiety about your Hair? Look for symbolism in fruit, automobiles and television commercials, particularly. Be sure to tell everyone what it all means to you! What is a Gemini not saying?
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Moral dilemma? You may stumble onto an international smuggling ring operated by monkeys, but they're sneaking in eco-safe, fairly-traded bananas to fund rainforest-protection charities. Search your feelings; you'll know what you should do. An Aquarius catches your math error!
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Mercury's acting up; practice looking innocent. A casual jest may go a bit wrong and raise a fuss. I'd never tell you to LIE about anything, but if no harm has been done, you might consider the benefits of appearing ignorant. A Taurus wants to be useful.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): A close friend or relative may disappear for a time, then show up again, acting oddly. An Evil Twin or Replicant, perhaps? Go over your anti-Doppelganger protocols BEFORE this happens. A Libra has been through this.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN JANUARY:
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When you're looking for adventure this year, joining an expedition to seek the Lost Temple of the Lottery Workers will yield unexpected rewards. Dignified shoes are a must. Back at home, devote yourself to your favorite hobby, as long as it's not collecting bezoars or ridiculing power tools. Perhaps you'd enjoy signing up for a Mutant Bowling League? Expect delightful discoveries of pocket change and giant robots in months with a "T" in them. Your lucky number is 395,281, and your lucky fish is the herring. You can expect a severe case of Dirigible Mites, probably in autumn, which causes embarrassing redness and swelling of your airship. Consult a certified blimp mechanic for relief.
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<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
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Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Crop circles are showin' up in my fields! Are we in danger?
T'other day, my brother Bubba was headin' out to rotate the crops when he comes runnin' back inside howlin' like a hound dog after a peck of possums. Seems he found the corn all pushed over in a big circle with four little circles around it, and no footprints or nothin' anywhere nearby. He calmed down when I said it was probably just city boys messin' with our field, but they've been showing up more and more! We've been sitting outside all night with a big flashlight, hoping to jacklight ‘em and scare ‘em off, but we never see nobody comin' or goin'. And the circles keep showin' up! They're getting' bigger, displayin' complex sequences like logarithmic progressions and Fibonacci spirals and stuff.
Doesn't this mean aliens are usin' our fields to send messages to each other for an invasion? My other brother Little Clem says we should head for the hills. Is he right?
-- Big Clem, from Boondock, Kansas
Dear Big Clem,
Let's think about this for a moment, shall we? An alien race, with sufficient technology to traverse billions of miles of empty, inhospitable space, can't think of a better way to communicate than flattened plants? Oh, sure it's possible they've overcome the huge scientific challenges of interstellar travel but haven't invented the walkie-talkie. I suspect Little Clem has been listening to too many late-night AM broadcasts, the kind one can hear coast to coast, if you know what I mean. I don't think aliens are your problem.
Agroglyphs are a rarity; they started as a mundane phenomenon but became a supernatural one. They began as a prank, thought up by bored engineering students in 16th century England. References in source documents are scarce, but scholars generally agree that a group from the Kensington Institute of Technology grew tired of debating whether the size limit of stone bridges would ever break the One-Rood Barrier, and decided to play a joke on local farmers. They were going to make a large square, but armed with the most advanced scientific equipment of the time (a long piece of string), they quickly realized a circle was easier. News of this mysterious "Circle of Croppes" spread, but was eclipsed by the discovery that bubonic plague was caused by "Ill Humours Rising from Dampe Earth."
Undaunted, these students made several more agroglyphs before graduation. The public generally lost interest, but crop circles caught the attention of a more curious fan base: Ancient creatures that live in the Earth. Little is known about these primordial beings, they're so old they don't even have a name. They're huge, amorphous, and don't possess solid bodies. They move through the ground, not like a fish swimming through water, but more like a lump of oatmeal moving through a big bowl of oatmeal, only the oats themselves don't actually move. The point is, these entities liked crop circles so much, they started making them too.
While generally harmless, back in 1734, an unfortunate combination of crop circles accidentally formed a thaumaturgical rune that initiated a uncontrolled power vortex. This caused the big hole in the Earth, the one that Geophysicists call "The Big Hollow Spot." This was discovered by a Dr. Ashe, a geologist with a sense of humor who wanted to name the giant hole after himself. Geophysicists who didn't find that funny chose the more mundane name.
So, Big Clem, your crop circles are probably either just the artistic pursuits of pranksters or ancient subterranean creatures. Whatever the source, making your agroglyphs a tourist attraction may offset the losses to the harvest from crop damages. You know the old saying: If Life gives you lemons, sell them to someone who wants lemons.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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