|
ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: February 1, 2011
Vol. 8, No. 3
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
--------------------------------------------
Good News, Everyone! I will be exhibiting at Stumptown Comics Fest 2011 after all! It's at the Oregon Convention Center this year, on April 16 & 17th. Mark your calendars (or key it into your iPalmBerry, or whatever device you use nowadays)! At SCF2011, I will debut "Ask Dr. Eldritch Vol. #2 Why Does My Monster Hate Me?", the second book of advice-column letters as a Special Stumptown Edition. So see y'all there!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
--------------------------------------------
The Electric Squid (Dosidicus electricus) grows to 31' (94.48 decimeters), can generate over 73,000 volts (enough to power 17 flower shops), is a fearsome predator and yet is completely fictitious. Tour Guides in tropical regions tell tourists to beware of these shocking cephalopods, but don't be fooled. However, when wading, don't step on a Lightning Flounder.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your astrological forecast for February 1 - 7, 2011 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Big Excitement! A mysterious charm causes you to become thrilled by the smallest things. A glass of water! Woohoo! Look, cows! Hooray! Still, better to be delighted by the mundane than bored by the magnificent. Put faith in an Aquarius.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Fantastic Adventure! Saturn's track may bring contact with some Faerie Folk! Remember: Not all Elves work for Santa or bake cookies in hollow trees. Don't assume. Take your camera for some great photos! Beware of a selfish Virgo!
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Tired of your misfortunes? You'll be pleasantly surprised when a plethora of Good Fortune comes your way! For once you're not being set up for some metaphysical lesson about gratitude; you're just lucky. Still, be sure to say "Thank you!" Forgo arguments with a Gemini.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Code Name: Fruitcake! When some Government Agents mistake you for a famous Foreign Spy, you learn some International Secrets about Fruitcake (the durable holiday baked-goods, that is)! Tempting as it may be, don't make them public; National Security may be at stake! Fortunately, a Taurus will understand.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): A well-intentioned friend attempts a spell to cheer you up, but instead causes you a bout of great Hippieness! Perhaps tie-dye and Patchouli oil aren't your favorites, but what's so funny about peace, love and understanding? Groove on it! Don't underestimate a Libra!
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Ecret-Say Odes-Cay! Did you skip class on the day they covered cryptology? You may regret that soon, when you need to decode an important message! If you're too slow, you may miss an exciting opportunity for foreign travel with an attractive taxidermist. Interesting suggestions from an Aries.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Ever feel like the people in movies and TV are talking to you? They might be! An odd conversation with an on-screen person may reveal startling insights, or the location of a nice restaurant you've never been to before. Tip generously! Take Quality Time with a Leo.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Time for a Mystical Encounter! You may meet a Happy Medium (as in a Spirit Communicator, not a cheerful person of a size between Small and Large)! Have your questions for the Spirit World ready, as your time with the Medium may be short! A Scorpio is uneasy, unnerved, and upset.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Expect to see one of your favorite Celebrities in person soon? Your urge to get that autograph may be fueled by post-hypnotic suggestion. Could you have been brainwashed to try to kill them? If bringing a crossbow along seems reasonable, you may be under someone's control! Reminisce with a Sagittarius.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): You know how you usually find things in the last place you look? Keep looking even after you find it! You'll discover more than you were searching for, which may lead to an interesting interaction with an ambidextrous astrophysicist. Who wouldn't want that? You'll be in tune with a Capricorn.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Be cautious opening bottles and jars! The stars indicate that you've accidentally trapped an Elemental in one, and it will be in a bad mood when released. Every time you open something, hold it out the window and should be fine. A Pisces misunderstands it all.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): In the mood for Deep Thoughts? You may meet a real-life Philosopher! Ponder the Mysteries of the Universe together, but don't get lost in conversation, or he'll forget to serve the other customers their food. A Virgo won't be very sympathetic.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN FEBRUARY:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This will be your year to seek guidance through verizomancy (divination by reading wireless devices)! When you have a call dropped, ask "what does that mean?" The answers will surprise you. April and September will be good months for releasing your extra Pokemon back into the wild; do you really need three scumgox? Your health will be a major concern this fall, what with the exposure to that mysterious Space Virus from the meteorite. Wash your hands frequently. Finally, your lucky number will be 72, your lucky penguin will be the Royal Penguin, and your lucky office-supply item will be the tape dispenser.
****************************************************************
Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
****************************************************************
Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I am Ranthacor, Prince-Consort of Empress Azamratha of Mezzrachrite and Uniter of the Five Golden Cities. Under Azamratha's just and benevolent rule, the empire blossomed into the most advanced civilization of our time, leading the world in science, philosophy and art. Azamratha's heart was fulfilled by the enlightenment of our domain, but I grew restless. No enemy dared attack us. Our ambassadors, the pearls of diplomacy, had negotiated treaties with all neighboring kingdoms, so we could not invade them. As warrior and champion, I had no place in a peaceful and ordered land.
I consulted the wisest of the temple oracles, who foretold that if I were cast into enchanted slumber for a thousand years, I would return to defend my realm from a terrible enemy. Azamratha and I grieved to be parted, but she knew it was the role of a wise ruler to make such a sacrifice for the good of the empire. With appropriate ceremony, I was entombed into an underground chamber on the highest mountains in the land, in a deep magical sleep.
When I awoke, my sarcophagus was in a tiny cave in a cliff by the ocean shore! I found a small fishing village nearby, inhabited by strange folk who spoke no language I recognized. They generously offered their simple hospitality, but my pride made me demand that they honor me as royalty. To them I must have seemed a dangerous, gibbering madman, and they eventually drove me away. I was reduced to a wandering beggar, until some kind monks took me in, believing me to be possessed or insane.
They patiently taught me your language and helped me try to learn of the fate of my people. What I have found leads me to believe I slept for over ten thousand years, and my empire is gone, perhaps swallowed by the sea many centuries ago. Instead of a gloriously returning warrior-king, I am a man with nothing. My empress, my empire, my legacy, my people; all vanished into the relentless past.
You may be the only one who can help me. How can I save my empire from an enemy now? What is it that I must do to fulfill my destiny?
-- Ranthacor of Mezzrachrite
Dear Ranthacor,
Loyal readers know that sometimes I must Spank the Behind of Ignorance with the Paddle of Truth for its own good. Today it will be about Professional Oracles. As you've found, Augurs are frequently wrong.
"Oracle" is a job for people who can't do anything else, and is a career usually started by a few lucky, well-publicized guesses. Sure, some "study" their "craft" to be "better" at it, but they mostly rely on vague prophecies and the fact that few people keep track of actual accuracy. Competing oracles will make utterly contradictory forecasts, all with utmost certainty. When their predictions turn out to be wrong, they'll confidently explain how Reality is somehow at fault for not living up to Expectations. Despite being notoriously unreliable, there are thousands of them working today, only now we call them "Economists."
Unfortunately, you're learning this about ten thousand years too late. You could try getting sent back in Time, but then you'd be a bored royal consort who knows the empire will vanish without a trace. This is hardly a position with high job satisfaction. You need to let go of your old life. Mezzrachrite is gone. It's time to move on.
While global conquest is still a popular sport today, it's changed dramatically. You could try to get back in the game, but with totally new rules, playing field and players, you may never qualify for the major league. You could either resign yourself to the minor leagues of third-world coups and border wars, or consider a career change. This may be daunting for a man of your age, but I think that's the way to go.
Finding a job for someone with your skills is tricky. With your sense of royal entitlement, you'd do well as a celebrity. Your physical prowess makes me think "Professional Wrestler," but you have a sense of dignity, so that's out. I'm thinking the best job for an ex-imperial champion is being a guide for alternate-dimension expeditions and tours. You'll meet interesting people and see exotic locations! Danger and excitement are virtually guaranteed. Most importantly, you may come across a dimension that's in need of a champion defender of the realm. Fate moves in mysterious ways, and even though oracles are frequently wrong, sometimes prophecies come true in ways you never expected.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
|
