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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: March 1, 2011
Vol. 8, No. 5
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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To experience the days of your life in random order, change your "Sequence" setting to "Shuffle." For instructions, consult the Users Guide you were issued when you were born.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for March 1 - 7, 2011 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Curiouser and Curiouser! Your week will likely include one of these two events: 1) A minor traffic accident involving a red-haired juggler who only speaks Rumantsch, yet seems oddly familiar, or 2) An offer for a credit card with an amazingly low introductory rate. Which do you think will happen? A Gemini forebodes changes.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Finally! Mercury signals that the time is ripe to end that centuries-old feud your family has been fighting. Swallow your ancestral pride, and be the first to extend the olive branch with dignity (If you don't have a centuries-old feud, maybe you can just go for a picnic at lunchtime or something). An Aries offers sage advice.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Jupiter, the Fiduciary Planet, announces change in your relationship with money. It's not clear whether you'll learn to stop worrying about finances, receive a sudden increase in wealth, or finally get that big jar of coins cashed in. Either way, don't take advice from strangers who merely want to escort your money out of your life. A Sagittarius knows a secret about you.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): This may be a completely normal week, unless you receive an unexpected invitation. Accept it, if you can, even though you may find yourself at an after-hours party with a strangely-attractive choreographer with a dark past. And perhaps a parrot. Trust your instincts, and you may have more fun than you expected. A Capricorn will give you renewed energy.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Got secrets that you've never told anyone? Most people do, so let's try this exercise: Write them on a piece of paper, with your name and address. Then send it to me. Include photos, if you have any. I'll let you know how they compare to everyone else's. Is a Scorpio trying to put a curse on you?
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): A mix-up in the mail will deliver a pair of working wings to your door! Alas, they won't be graceful eagle wings; more like buzzing bumble-bee wings that barely lift your toes off the ground. You can still flit around the backyard, albeit slowly. So have some fun! A Taurus will bring you luck!
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Do you ever worry about sharks? Mars may cause them to pay attention to you! Most shark attacks happen in 3' of water, so stay out of the shallow end of the pool and ensure the hot tub is no deeper than 2' 8". Don't believe everything a Gemini tells you.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Mercury says it's time to travel, but be selective of your transport. Avoid rockets, sleds and wains. If you have tickets for aerial trams, zeppelins or tramp steamers, swap them for another option. Going by cable car, camel or bullet train is okay. Wear a hat! See a Virgo for secret insight.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Would you like to be a Kept Person? You may have the chance, if you're scooped up by a Multi-Dimensional Entity looking for a pet. This might sound like a great life, but insist on the deluxe exercise wheel. A Libra plays important role.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Tonal Unity works in your favor! Tune yourself to the Mystic Harmonies of the Ancients before the next phase of the moon, and you'll be richly rewarded. You already know your Resonant Frequency, right? Well, perhaps you should! Avoid a Sagittarius for the time being.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Red Planet Alert! Angry Mars could send an emergency your way, so be ready. This catastrophe may be physical, emotional or spiritual, so hunker down with the fire extinguisher and pudding cups. Protective eyewear is a good idea, too. Secret attraction shared by an Aquarius.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Venus, the Planet of Love, will flicker in and out, and cause you to do so as well! This moving in and out of temporal-spatial phase with this dimension can play havoc with your romantic life, and make a loved one feel neglected at inconvenient times. Explain that it's merely Venus playing tricks. That should help. Use a Pisces for a role model.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN MARCH:
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You know how people across the Equator experience your birth month as the total opposite in weather? When you're getting Spring weather, they're moving into Winter. It works that way for Happy and Sad Life Experiences too, so if things are going well for you, there's someone in the Southern Hemisphere having a bad time of it. On the flip side, whenever you're having troubles, some Patagonian is living it up (and they need all the happiness they can get). Use this teeter-totter philosophy to guide your Life Decisions for this year, especially when it comes to book purchases, spell-casting and interior decoration. August is not the time to trust those Walk lights at crosswalks. Near the solstices, you'll be visited by the ghosts of Cars You Have Owned. Avoid Water Elementals and floss regularly. You'll be glad you did.
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<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Dangnabbit! What is wrong with superheroes these days? It's a wonder they ever have time to fight supervillains, being so busy mooning over someone they can never have, or whining about how they're not happy! Whatever happened to heroes with character and a proud work ethic? Next thing you know, they'll be asking villains to validate their heroic abilities so they can boost their self-esteem, or some such rubbish. Ridiculous!
That's not how we did things back in my day, I tell you what! We lived the quiet lives of our alter-egos until it was time to assume our secret identities. We'd put on our costumes, beat up the bad guys and haul their butts off to jail. At the end of the day we could hang up our capes and feel good about a job well done, not brood about our miserable lives. And we were grateful! I'm thinking I need to come out of retirement to show these whippersnappers how it's done!
-- Captain Aardvark (Ret.)
Dear Captain Aardvark,
Do you remember mimeograph machines? For decades they provided a multitude of classrooms with blurry, purplish homework assignments and pop-quizzes. Every machine was hand-carved by trained craftsmen, who were devastated when electrophotography technology pushed the mimeograph workhorse out to pasture. Sure, the new "photocopiers" weren't as reliable, and school children could no longer breathe fumes until hyperventilation made them slightly dizzy so they could smugly announce to their chums that they had "gotten high." But the world was changing.
I'm sure those mimeograph-machine carvers were just as bitter about the youthful, arrogant copier repairmen that replaced them as you are about the new generation of superheroes. It's traditional for every retiring generation to believe that the current one is woefully inadequate compared to them. (Most of my readers are probably thinking right now "Oh yes, like how the veterans of the American Civil War dismissed those who fought the Spanish-American War!" because that's the sort of keen observation they would make). There may be other examples, but my point is that the cultural needs and goals of each generation are different. The skill sets and superpowers of today's generation may appear inferior to you because they're evolved to fit a changing world. A world where wearing a cape means you're still living with your parents.
I'm not saying you had it easy in your day, but at least the villains had the courtesy to dress in a manner that screamed "Evil Person!" You could quickly identify them, defeat them using your superpowers (I'm assuming that your superhero name and ability have something to do with an oversized prehensile tongue, which is an image I really don't want in my head), and as you say, haul them off to jail. Perhaps not easy, but simple.
Today's heroes fight for truth and justice, just as you did. However, the greatest threats to our safety and security are no longer global domination by Evil Geniuses or Communists, but greedy corporate executives who raid profits and pension plans, and greedy politicians who sell government to the highest bidder. Today's woes need today's heroes, such as Ethicsperson. She's a mild-mannered stand-up comedienne, but after being bitten by a radioactive member of the Congressional Ethics committee, she now fights malfeasance and corporate crime wherever she finds it. You'd like her; she's nobly striving to restore a sense of ethical accountability that could make America proud again.
She does, however, agonize over whether she should continue her comedy career, and suffers her mother's constant badgering about when she's going to have children. And she thinks she might be gay. But that's just the way things are done now.
However, this doesn't address your problem, which you failed to fully articulate. You're bored. After a life of fighting evil, you just can't get excited about feeding squirrels in the park or watching daytime soap operas. Perhaps everyone down at the Senior Center has grown tired of the stories of your exploits and they've politely asked you not to come back. What you need is a creative outlet, one that will allow you to work with younger members of your profession. Have you heard of the Association of Retired Superhero Executives? This organization pairs experienced crime-fighters like you with those just starting in the field. I can't guarantee that they'll actually be grateful for your advice, but you'll at least you'll be able to explain to them what they're doing wrong. Doesn't that sound like more fun than spending your days on the porch yelling at local teenagers to stay off your lawn?
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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