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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: March 8, 2011
Vol. 8, No. 7
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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Stumptown Comics Fest has posted the floor map for this year's event! Those of you keeping track at home will be pleased to note that I'm at table D-8 (which is typically rated as the 17th best location in this particular layout)! With over 200 artists at 164 tables, that's pretty good. I hope all of you are planning on being at the Oregon Convention Center here in Portland on April 16th and/or 17th. See you there!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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If you ever have the power to compel an Ancient Oracle to foretell your future, there's no reason you still can't offer something in exchange! Even Arcane Entities love cookies.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for March 22 - 28, 2011 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Power Up! Staying at home may give you the fabulous opportunity to become a cyborg! What could be better than being part human and part machine? (I know the guy who received the first artificial appendix, but I digress...) Choose wisely; it's hard to go back once you've gone biomechanical! Expect deception from an Aries.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Troubled? Perhaps you're concerned that a social engagement you've reluctantly agreed to attend may turn into a horror show when everyone's attacked by giant mutant hamsters. Fear not, that won't happen! Watch for giant mutant voles, though. A Gemini gives a gift!
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Chaos! A temporary Chaos Field may wander through your home, causing your possessions to pop in and out of this dimension. This may be inconvenient, so tape everything down. Tie your car keys to your wrist with a bit of string, so you'll be able to reach them if they start to go. Surprising kindness from a Capricorn!
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Been absentminded lately? You meet people, then minutes later, you can't recall their name? Or you walk into a room, but can't remember what you're after? Or get songs stuck in your head? You may have Brain Mites! Hum loudly for several hours a day, that should clear them out. Socialize with an Aquarius now.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Time to be the Welcome Wagon! A family of robots or cyborgs may move to your street, inspiring a variety of responses from the neighbors. You'll do better in the long run to make your Android-American friends feel welcome! Put trust in a Pisces.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): It's not every day someone in your chosen profession can make a big difference on the quality of life for an entire village of people halfway around the world, is it? Just such an opportunity may come your way. The code word will be "Swordfish." Charming a Scorpio helps!
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Surprise! Perhaps a friendly group will show up at your door, sweep you off on a nice journey filled with pleasant conversation, wonderful food and scenic delights, and the whole time you'll be thinking "Who ARE these people?" Relax and enjoy it! For once, there's nothing sinister about it. A Taurus helps keeps you safe.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Catch the wave of the Leading Edge! A mysterious card in the mail could allow you to acquire the latest high-tech gadget. A multi-function PDA? A cell phone that monitors your vital signs? Wait... an ultra-precise melon baller! That would be GREAT! Expect white lies from an Aries.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Saturn's gloomy pull may remind you about your guilty conscience. This could be an excellent time to work on penitence, before the change of seasons. Can you think of anyone to whom you can make amends? You'll meet an interesting Leo!
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Heads up! Something you purchased recently may turn out to attract Annoying People to you. So if you find yourself vexed, irritated or exasperated by those around you, there's a reason for it! The effects should wear off soon. Probably. Give a Scorpio a tasty snack.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): The stars portend a shift in your career, perhaps a sudden one! Have you been pursuing certification in a new field under an assumed name in case you suddenly have to flee your current life? Well, maybe you should think about it. How about HAM Radio Repair? A Virgo catches your eye.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Know much about naked mole rats? A mix-up with speaking engagements may find you standing at a lectern, about to give a speech to a convention of rodent experts, not the astrophysicists you were expecting. A bit of advance mole-rat research might save the day... Finally, straight talk from an Aquarius.
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>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
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no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I've been frightening sleeping children for centuries, but it's no fun anymore.
Officially I'm "Nightmare Creature #513," but my friends call me Todd. I'm one of the horrible things that shows up in bad dreams; sometimes a monster with huge fangs, or a mecha-dinosaur or a slimy thing with tentacles. I'm particularly good at realistic dreams where I'm a shadowy figure in their closet or under their bed, you know, so even when they wake up, they're sure I'm still there. I used to be really proud of how they'd spend the rest of the night huddled under the blankets, too scared to go back to sleep.
The problem is, I don't care any more! There was a time that I worked hard to be as frightening as possible. For the last hundred years or so, I've just been phoning it in. The other guys try out new ideas, but I stick with the scary-dream basics; glowing eyes in the darkness, grabbing a foot that's sticking out from under the covers, or continually chasing after the kid no matter where they run or hide. I mean, what difference does it really make whether they're wet-the-bed terrified or just kinda scared? I'm not even sure why we do this, anyway. It's not like we're getting paid or anything. It's just what we do.
How can I get excited about scaring kids again?
-- Todd, from the Nightmares of Children
Dear Todd,
Until you mentioned it, I never thought about why there are dream creatures to scare sleeping children. I suspect you're a holdover from Paleolithic times, when early humans were justifiably worried about having something huge with fangs eating them in their sleep. The odds of that happening today are much smaller, if one locks the bedroom windows, of course.
Your situation is intriguing! "Job Satisfaction" is rarely an issue for the otherworldly set. For example, Jack Frost, who has been painting plants and windows with ice crystals for millennia, is still as cheerful as ever. He doesn't wonder why, he just figures it must be done and he's the one to do it. Don't get him talking about it, though; he can go on for days about proper swirling techniques and the importance of layering. I've seen people who can tolerate British cinema try to eat their own heads to escape the tedium.
Fortunately, most Manifestation of Natural Forces (like Time, Fate, or Sports-Watching) carry out their duties without becoming burned-out from the routine or questioning their purpose. What if Death really did take a holiday? Would you want to see him on a bus tour, wearing baggy shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, photographing every old fountain or church, and complaining about the food? I thought not.
But I digress. I don't think you'll find satisfaction in frightening children any more; you've ruined yourself for that. Rather than just carrying out your purpose in life, you've been thinking about it. That's not good. Introspection is the bane of existence; as some ancient philosopher once said "The examined life is not worth living." (Socrates changed it around a bit, and got the credit for that quote.) The point is, once you've started wondering about your purpose, you can't put the genie back in the toothpaste tube.
Your current job is obviously not doing it for you. Perhaps you'd be happier warning antisocial misers that they're on a path to grief and sorrow? That's typically a job for spirits, like the Ghosts-of-Christmas Team, but your specialized frightening skills could translate very well. Instead of pointlessly terrifying children, you could scare the selfish into becoming community-oriented philanthropists. Not only will you be helping these hard-hearted tightwads, but also those who benefit from the ex-skinflints' new-found generosity. That should satisfy your desire for a sense of meaningful purpose.
If that doesn't work, buy an expensive sports car and date women who are too young for you. That's what humans do.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-Dr. Eldritch
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