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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: March 29, 2011
Vol. 8, No. 8
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News: 
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After a busy weekend of prodding the Minions to work faster, the manuscript for the second book of Advice Column Letters is complete, and sent off to the printer! To make the debut of "Ask Dr. Eldritch Volume #2 Why Does My Monster Hate Me?" even MORE awesome, we're releasing the first twenty copies as a Stumptown Comics Fest 2011 Special Edition (as indicated on the gold seal on the upper right of the cover)!
Want one? Come to SCF2011, and buy your copy there! (And click on the image for a larger view!)
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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On Friday, April 1st, don't believe anything you read on the Internet (actually, that's pretty good advice any time).
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for March 29 - April 4, 2011 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Watch what you say! A strange twist of fate may have your words selected by the Neo-Eternity Project, an effort to build a monolith that will last a thousand millennia, with quotes from contemporary people inscribed on it. How'd you like to be known for a million years as the one who told the lame joke about a pirate? Give some help to a Leo.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Traveler Alert! The stars are quite specific: If you're traveling by train, wear a fake mustache. Yes, even if you're female, or already have a real mustache. I don't know why, I just relay what the stars tell me. Oh, and they say to wear a silly hat, too. Take time to visit with a Scorpio.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Looking for some money to come into your life? The stars say "YES!," although in an unexpected manner. Perhaps you've yearned for a huge inheritance from a long-lost relative, but it's probably something more mundane. Like finding a quarter on the sidewalk. A Taurus makes a challenge.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Clubs and balls are in your Future! No, not golf, but JUGGLERS! You'll mysteriously attract them to you, at odd times. Wear a helmet and eye protection, in case there are any novices trying out knives or chainsaws in your vicinity! Avoid talking politics with a Libra.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Insight and Epiphany! Those years of meditation pay off with a Breakthrough Step toward Enlightenment! Congratulations! (If you haven't been meditating for years, this will probably just be another mundane week. Sorry. Maybe you could start meditating...). Be open to a new idea from a Capricorn.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Ah, Romance! Venus is your friend, bringing a rush of Romantic Prospects your way! Of course, if you've already got a partner, you might want to pass on the weekend cruise with the foreign film star, but no one could blame you if you were tempted, right? A Pisces craves your attention.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Saturn threatens an unfortunate experience with Laws, Suits, and Lawsuits! Be on your best behavior, so you don't end up explaining yourself to a jury of your peers. Make sure you have a solid alibi, too, in case someone tries to frame you! Be careful, a Virgo has a cold to share.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Release those Hopes and Dreams! The Stars say it's time to accept the fact that you'll never accomplish some of your grand plans, like climbing K2 or discovering a cure for vegetarianism. That sounds harsh, but that's what the Stars said. Find some easier ambitions, and perhaps you'll succeed with them! Make some music with an Aquarius.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Mars is in your corner! And the Angry Red Planet says: "Have an escape route planned!" Always good advice, but if it's associated with a heist or some such, I don't want to know about it. Good running shoes are often an asset, too. Let an Aries win, just this once.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Got your camera? An embarrassing misadventure with a favorite celebrity provides fertile photo fodder! Remember, once you've blackmailed someone, they'll never willingly sign a publicity photo for you again. Join forces with a Taurus.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Spellcasting Alert! Communicative Mercury is at odds with active Mars, so if you choose to weave any magical spells, be very careful what you say! The literal interpretation may not be desirable, so avoid metaphors like the plague (Whoops)! A Gemini will need a hug.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): You may already be a winner! Mighty Jupiter, King of the Planets, could bless you with a victory! Perhaps a sports trophy. Too bad the Oscars, Pulitzers and Nobels aren't being awarded this week. Maybe you can score a $2 win on a lottery ticket. Look to a Scorpio for a change of pace.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN APRIL:
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How would you like to be a seal for a year? Neptune's ascendance means your application to a Cultural Exchange Programs will almost certainly be accepted, but you'll end up living with Selkies. This will be a fabulous learning experience, if you enjoy swimming in the ocean, being cold and eating raw fish. Wherever you are, August will see spontaneous bursts of confetti. Spend time reflecting on future mistakes. Artistic endeavors will go smoother if you can be more accepting of the Undead. During the winter, watch for unfortunate encounters with bill collectors and Orcas.
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I'm writing not to ask for advice, but to offer my services. I communicate with dead people! I can help you out. If you have any questions for those who have passed over to the Great Beyond, I'll ask them and relay back the answers to you! I won't even charge you for this, as I consider it a service to Humanity.
As you probably know, the spirits of the deceased have little power in this world. But they can imprint their voices in the static of a video or tape recording. Usually people don't hear these messages, because they're so faint and need some preparation to hear properly. For example, I went to this old house that everyone said was haunted. I set up my equipment in a quiet room and asked if there were any Beings there, and if they had a message for the Living. I turned on my reel-to-reel and recorded for two hours. I didn't hear anything on forward playback at normal speed, but when I listened to it backward at 9/16ths speed, boosted the volume to the max, filtered out four frequency ranges (to eliminate static, motor noise, power-supply hum and transmissions from space), and played it over a quadraphonic system from the 70's with channels 1 and 4 turned down, I heard a message from a spirit being! To the untrained it sounds like so much mumbling, but I've had a lot of practice interpreting what's said across the Mystical Border to the Next Life, and here's what I heard:
TIME WHAT WAS SAID
0:21:53 - Nuoahammabobop.
0:33:02 - Aaaaaaahh... foreign waffle.
1:01:43 - All Boise ill for circus!
1:17:19 - Flee ur snuffy devil... hop, haaaaaaaaawwp... lick the (unintelligible).
1:53:58 - Eeeeeeeeevillllll... YOGHURT!
I interpret this as a warning from an entity named Nuoahammabobop. He's predicting a major tragedy, perhaps an attack by Belgian terrorists, entering the country from Canada disguised as traveling entertainers to spread a bio-weapon in the Pacific Northwest through contaminated diary products. I've tried to alert the authorities, but they don't seem to be taking me seriously. I thought you might get more respect, being an established consultant and advice columnist.
Let me know if you want my help with anything!
-- Dave, from Sedona
Dear Dave,
I see; you're here to help me. And I might be so pleased with our new-found collaboration that I would naturally champion your cause with the authorities, hmm? As they say in Hollywood, don't call me, I'll have my minions call you.
What you're experiencing appears at first blush to be a case of Cryptic Divination Syndrome. Common among ancient prophecies, fortune tellers, and mysterious entities, CDS occurs when a mystical prognostication borders upon incomprehensible. The reader is to assume that his lack of understanding is his fault; his brain is too puny to comprehend the greatness before him. Like counter-culture poetry from the 70's, once the "awe" wears off, the audience realizes what they just heard was gibberish. But nobody wants to be the first one to say it, just in case they're wrong! Like a bunch of naked emperors not talking about the elephant in the room.
Another good example is Nostradamus (you may have heard of him). Amazing ancient predictions, right? What most people don't know that he and some drinking buddies regularly played a game where they wrote obscure yet real-sounding auguries in quatrain form, and the winner got an inflated pig's bladder (apparently that was quite a desirable prize in 1560). They were never meant to be shared outside that group, but when a publisher waved huge amounts of money in front of him, Nostradamus (or "Mikey D" to his "homies") suddenly felt a duty to future generations. His modern advocates claim he's fabulously accurate, but you know that quatrain that supposedly foretold the Pet Rock? Read that one and ask yourself "Couldn't this be actually predicting Paris Hilton?" You'll see what I mean.
In my experience, the prophets, soothsayers and ethereal entities who actually have something useful to say don't couch it in awkward rhymes or hide it in electronic noise. They speak plainly, and it's not their fault that most people ignore them in favor of charlatans with better showmanship.
But back to you; I believe your problem is actually a common affliction known as "Too Much Free Time." Instead of spending hours and hours listening to random mumblings on a nearly-blank tape, take a walk! Go out with some friends! Interact with other human beings, even if it's just talking about "American Idol!" How many people look back on their life and say "I wish I had spent more time listening to the incoherent mumblings of what might possibly be a supernatural being but were probably meaningless fluctuations of electronic media?" Don't be one of them! If you turn your attention to the living, I predict you'll meet more interesting people than if you devote your life to chasing the ghost in the machine.
There, I've told your fortune, and I won't charge you for it, as it really is a Service to Humanity.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-Dr. Eldritch
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