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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: April 19, 2011
Vol. 8, No. 11
Ask Dr. Eldritch newsletter News:
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As another Stumptown Comics Fest fades away in the figurative Cosmic Rearview Mirror, I want to thank everyone who stopped to visit at the Ask Dr. Eldritch table! I really appreciate all the kind words, and I had a blast talking with you all. Much thanks!
You already know that my Readers are significantly above average in intelligence, looks, and the ability to find great parking spots, but remember how I decided to debut my second book at Stumptown? Well, the Secret Message in the book was cracked before the weekend was over! Congratulations to Awesome Reader Jamey for some top-notch cryptological work! Well done!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Don't store hammers or other bludgeoning implements within easy reach of your computer! During a moment of frustration, you may give your recalcitrant electronic device a satisfyingly high-impact reprogramming, bit you'll regret it later.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for April 19 - 25, 2011 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Curiosity: It's Not Just For Cats! Yes, give in to your Curiosity, as long as you're wondering things like, "What happens if I put a sandwich in the toaster?" and not, "Will that blobby thing with tentacles in the basement eat marshmallows from my hand?" Good time to play with a Taurus.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Fade Out? Your quiet nature will come in handy, as cosmic forces may cause you to literally fade into the background. Everyone will still be able to hear you, though, so don't start giggling at an inopportune moment. And use this power only for Good! A Pisces pledges aid.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Huh? A Confusion Vortex blows through! You'll be fine, but expect to be filled with people shuffling slowly in front of you at the grocery store, driving erratically on the roads, asking inane questions, and displaying brainless behavior. How is this different from any other week? Um, have to get back to you on that... Don't loan books to a Virgo this week!
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Rhyme Time! Yes, a quirk of Playful Mercury may cause you to rhyme everything you say or write. While this will may amuse your friends and family, and be mostly harmless, avoid using words like "Muck" in any business documents. A Leo finds it all boring.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Are you an Inventor? The stars say this is a breakthrough time for you, and you'll invent something exciting, like the first steam-powered search engine! Maybe that will be useful for remote villages in undeveloped countries, where everyone has to share one Internet account. An Aquarius will be particularly truthful.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Days dragging by? If every hour seems to take forever, it's not just your imagination! You may be caught in a slower Time current, causing every moment to last longer than normal. This would be a great time to be on vacation! If not, just slog through each day, and everything will be back to normal by the weekend! Keep your promise to a Libra.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): If you fall into a Bottomless Pit, where do you end up? You may have LOTS of time to think about this, if such a fall happens to you! Avoid holes, depressions, sidewalk gratings and any other openings in the ground, or you could end up falling for a long, long time! Have a book handy. Expect surprise visit from a Scorpio.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Find yourself saying lately, "You dare defy me? I shall DESTROY you!"? Mars and Neptune indicate you'll have another clash with your Mortal Enemy. If you don't have a Mortal Enemy, you'll probably just get trapped in a long, tedious conversation with someone you hardly know. Which is worse? A Sagittarius misunderstands your intentions.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Xena, the mysterious dwarf planet (I know, officially it's 'Eris'), may cause you to engage in uncharacteristic acts of heroism and derring-do! This may explain why you're suddenly in a furious swordfight or rescuing prisoners from an Evil Wizard. Have fun! Watch for note from a Scorpio.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Every country is a Foreign Country to someone. While interesting, this tidbit of wisdom will do you absolutely no good at all, despite the fact that you're probably traveling to or from a distant locale right now. Here's a better one? Keep your receipts. Problems communicating with a Leo.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Ever wanted to be a Genie? You may have the chance to switch places with a Djinn! While having tremendous magical powers sounds great, you only get to use them granting other people's wishes, and you spend a lot of time in a bottle or lamp. Where the TV reception is terrible. A Capricorn needs advice.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Chaff from the Rumor Mill! If whispered stories about friends or coworkers are going around, it's best to ignore them. The great thing about the Moral High Ground is that it's easier to drop Rocks of Superiority on people below. If you wanted to, that is. An Aries shares snacks!
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I hope this reaches you, as I'm writing from another dimension. I was walking home through a really dense fog late one night, and took a shortcut through a field. It seemed a lot larger than I remembered, but I kept going, and then I was walking through crops, not just grass, and I came out in what looked like a medieval village.
Of course, I didn't believe it at first. I thought it was some festival or Ren Faire, and I got mad because nobody would speak normal English. I was just about to go back across the field when some big guys in armor showed up, carrying real swords. They didn't talk much. They grabbed me and hauled me off to a castle. That's when I realized I wasn't anywhere near home.
After a couple hours in a cell, two priest guys came to talk. They could at least understand me, although they didn't recognize basic words, like when I said I was walking home from the mall. They got real excited when I said that we didn't have castles or peasants where I came from. It turns out there's a prophecy that a stranger from far away will find some Sword of Power and save the kingdom from an army of monsters created by an evil wizard. Since there's just such an army heading for this kingdom, everybody here seems to believe that means me.
Next thing I know, the priests and I are sent off with a group of soldiers, riding horses across the country to find that sword. They're all excited, but I've got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It feels like I've got more chance of getting killed than saving any kingdom. What makes it worse is that everyone's all in awe of me, like I've already done something amazing.
The Evil Wizard knows about me, too. We were attacked by some huge birds, and then nearly crushed by a rockslide. These were both really close calls, and we haven't even found the sword or gotten to the monster army yet. I don't want any of these people getting killed protecting me, when this is all just a big mistake.
Here's the thing: I want out. I'm sure these people can find the right stranger and solve their problems without me, so how can I get home?
-- Alex, from "Beyond"
Dear Alex,
GO HOME? Why? I should tear a hole in the time-space continuum, reach through and slap some sense into you, you ungrateful little nobble. What are you thinking?
Okay, I know your situation is scary and disorienting, and I shouldn't make it worse by yelling at you. It vexes me when people win the Lottery of Destiny, and they want to trade it in for a used toaster. One of the cruel ironies of Life is that the people who are thrust into these situations are the least likely to appreciate their circumstances. Like in the "Wizard of Oz" when Dorothy ends up in a place MUCH, MUCH better than Kansas, yet all she wants to do is go home! What the Oxford is up with that?
So, are you a billionaire rock-star/fighter-pilot/model in this universe? That would explain why you want to chuck the life of a conquering hero and the gratitude of an entire kingdom with all the accompanying riches and power. Or are you merely craving the familiarity of a one-bedroom apartment and your job at the "Kitchen Kollection?" Well, screw that! There are thousands of people who would sacrifice precious body parts to get the Call to Adventure. Their role-playing games and fandom conventions are pale substitute. Granted, a lot of them couldn't fulfill a prophecy about getting a bag of chips from the grocery store, but you get the idea. They yearn for what you've got. Don't be so quick to fold when you're holding the archetypal equivalent of a Royal Flush.
I know it's frightening now. Things will get bad, and then even worse. But you've got Destiny on your side. Stick it out, Prophecy Boy, get in touch with your Inner Hero, do the best you can, and all will work out triumphantly. Then marry the princess and bask in the glory of your victory for a few years. If you still want to return to this mundane existence after that, so be it. If you give up now, the best you can hope for is a long life filled with regret, misery and shallows. So stop whining, get out there and kick some!
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-Dr. Eldritch
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