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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER

Date: October 4, 2011
Vol. 8, No. 16

Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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Thanks for all the book orders, Everyone! The Minions and I are working our way through sorting, signing, packing and shipping them all to you. If you've ordered one or more copies, you should be receiving them soon. (Sorry it's taking so long, but I got a lot of orders (which is good), but I'm short of available time to send them (which is not so good).) Enjoy!

Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Ask Dr. Eldritch Phone To protect the privacy of those who are calling and texting you, only use code names in your phone's address book for your friends and family members. If you replace their names with the names of famous people, you can impress everyone with all the calls you get from celebrities!

The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for October 4 - 10, 2011 is as follows:

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Something's Afoot! Beware! Pluto warns that your Mortal Enemy may be about to stir up trouble. Have your spies report regularly (you DO have spies watching your Mortal Enemy, right? Why wouldn't you?). Travel with a Libra.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Open your mind! Wider! WIDER! Good, now hold it! A series of strange events will completely alter your Belief System! You may change your religion, switch political parties, or just decide that you do like bubble-gum-flavored cola, after all. Cheer up a Leo.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Ride the Road To Adventure! The Ambitious Planets, Mars and Saturn, say that this is the best time for you to head off to explore! What? You're not prepared to search for wonders at the bottom of the sea? Or launch that expedition to the unexplored regions of the Midwest? Well, perhaps you could just poke about across town, see if you can find a new deli you like. Close friend reveals he or she is an Aries.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Mad Skilz! You may have secret talents. The stars say to try different things to see if you have a hidden genius. You may be a gifted bagpiper, or could be the world's best satellite-dish installer, but you'll never know if you don't try! How about Luge! A Virgo shows surprising qualities.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Neighborhood Watch Week! I'm not telling you to SPY on your neighbors, but this may be a good week to keep an eye on them all. Mysterious goings-on in the dead of night? Strange sounds from a basement? The Homeowner's Association may want to know! A Sagittarius cheers you on!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Know anyone who is planning to take over the world? If so, now's the time for some flattery and toadying. You know; compliment their hairstyle, or ask if they've been working out. Even if their plans are not be successful, you'll at least be on their good side! An Aquarius will shirk responsibility.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22): The most important... TIMING! ...thing is; well, you get the idea. Speaking of which, your timing may be off, and you'll be answering other people's questions before they ask them. You'd THINK they'd be grateful... A Libra is angry with you.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Good Deed Week! A few kind acts on your part may bring some Good Karma your way! If you keep an empty gallon jug with you, you could save some of that Karma for later. You never know when THAT will come in handy! Pass notes with a Pisces.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): It's Raining Frogs! Neptune's angular motion indicates a rain of frogs in your area. The good news is that it may be just those little clothing fasteners, not the squishy amphibians. Carry a grocery bag with you and gather a bunch! I suppose you could do that with real frogs, if you were so inclined. What is a Capricorn not saying?

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Wait for the Beep! A mysterious message on your answering machine could be just what you need! This wayward message could lead to intrigue, adventure and romance with a Bolivian Architect, or just reveal the location of someone's surprise party. Either way, check it out! A Gemini catches your math error!

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): You know that saying about learning something new every day? Well, you're off the hook! Yes, you don't have to learn ANYTHING NEW all week! You don't even have to try something new or expand your horizons in any way. Live it up (or down, as it were)! A Sagittarius wants to be useful.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Will you become a Motley Fool? Perhaps! Mercury and Venus team up to support you in succeeding in your lifelong dream of becoming a Professional Jester. You may need to relocate to another kingdom, but you'll get heath and dental coverage. (If you don't want to be a Jester, please disregard this horoscope.) A Taurus has been through this

IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN OCTOBER:
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Congratulations! This is your year to have the world by the tail! Which is great, until you realize that if you loosen your grip, it will turn on you and bite. The best you can hope for is that the world will get distracted by some celebrity scandal so you can release its tail and run off while it's not looking. In other news, you'll learn the secret purpose of cuff links. Don't speak ill of gnomes or condors, or you'll embarrass yourself in front of royalty again. If you're looking for a career change, consider opportunities in Car Model Naming. You'd enjoy being the one who thinks up names for the Cars of the Future, like the Kia Metronome, the Honda Sprang or the Ford Thruster!

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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!

>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<

Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:

<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?

Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck,
ASK DR. ELDRITCH! ****************************************************************

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Ask Dr. Eldritch Zombies     I write to you from a farmhouse attic, hiding from the walking dead. I don't know what happened, exactly. The day started out normally. I was just about to go into Don's barber shop for a haircut, when there's a commotion up the street at Earl's gas and bait shop. Turns out Earl's being attacked by Sven, who died two months ago from eating some bad fish. A bunch of us were trying to pull Sven off Earl, when Duane comes running up, saying that zombies are heading this way.

Well, none of us would have believed him if we weren't seeing Sven right there, trying to bite Earl's head. Turns out Duane was right. The graveyard in our little village is spewing forth multiple generations of the Departed, and they're roaming the earth, killing - and probably eating - the living. Duane, me and a few others have taken refuge in the Gunderson's farmhouse. We boarded up the doors and windows, and are waiting for dawn. All is quiet right now, but I reckon we could be found at any moment.

I didn't think of this during the earlier melee, but one question has been bothering me. These zombies are the ancestors of my friends and family, and it feels wrong to hack them to pieces or shoot them in the head. I know they're trying to eat me, but is it right to kill them (again)? Does self-defense justify mayhem against the animated corpses of our ancestors?

-- Simon in Villebergtown

Dear Simon,
    You show tremendous sensitivity toward the anguished dead who are trying to dismember and consume you. The Good News is that their human essence has not returned from the Great Beyond, and these creatures are merely the physical shells of your ancestors, being used by malevolent forces. So it really isn't Great-Aunt Bertha trying to gnaw your arm, for example.

As long as we're being sympathetic, consider it from their perspective. After years of being peacefully dead, they're inexplicably animate. Self-exhumation and reentering the living world must be terribly upsetting. Having lost the cognitive skills to process this overwhelming blur of light and sound, or to express their anxious confusion, they lash out with violence against the living. Returning them to the dark and quiet realm of death is actually doing them a favor. Zombies don't possess long-term goals or career ambitions, after all.

I'm sure this is a terrifying experience for you, but zombies are only a medium-level threat, as supernatural beings go. They're not terribly smart, but are incredibly persistent; chewing through a car door to reach an intended victim is no big deal to them. You either knew or figured out that the best way to terminate a zombie is by disrupting the neural system, e.g. a shot to the head. Decapitation's good; you can be sure they won't get up again. Some people prefer using fire, but zombies don't feel pain, so they tend to wander around while burning. They don't care what they ignite, which makes the situation much worse for the living. Explosives, including claymore-type mines, are effective for slowing them down so you can do them in and get away. Be mindful of the collateral damage, however.

This applies only to zombies raised from actual corpses, not merely living people so heavily drugged as to appear dead, but then revived to a sedated but malleable state and exploited as slaves. This happens a lot more than most people realize, particularly in the film industry. These unfortunates are not best served by a bullet in the cranium, but can be rescued, kept safe while the drugs leave their system, and returned to their lives and families. Those reunions are about the most heartwarming thing to watch (doesn't everyone deserve a Hollywood ending?).

So go ahead and end the suffering of your undead aggressors with carefree abandon. They would thank you for it, if they understood what was happening to them. Maybe when your terminal transition approaches (years down the road, I hope), you'll opt for cremation so your descendents won't feel awkward about shooting your animate remains in a gory, smelly fight to the death (or undeath, as the case may be).

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-Dr. Eldritch

 
(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS! THINK FOR YOURSELF! DON'T DO STUPID THINGS THAT MAKE THESE DISCLAIMERS NECESSARY!
If you need more, read this Advanced Disclaimer!) All content © 2011 Evan Nichols