ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: September 20, 2011
Vol. 8, No. 15
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
Want a copy of "Ask Dr. Eldritch Volume #2 Why Does My Monster Hate Me?" at a Special Pre-Order Price? Not only is the book PERSONALLY AUTOGRAPHED, but it comes with a FREE Zombie Danger Kit and Bonus Gifts! You'll have to act quickly, but all this can be yours! I've received enough orders to price these at $12.45/book ($9.45 + $3.00S/H), but if I get requests for just 21 more copies, I'll drop that price to $11.95.* So if you were considering getting a copy eventually, now's your chance to get the best price! Email your pre-order to firstname.lastname@example.org by noon (PDT) on Saturday, September 24th and let me know how many copies you want. You could take care of ALL of your holiday shopping with one email, so order now!
* That's the super-special price of $11.95 ($8.95 + 3.00S/H).
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
NASA's Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite (UARS) will fall from orbit this week! Helmets and shoulder pads really aren't protection against a 6.5-ton bolide, so consider spending Thursday through Sunday in a cave.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
Your astrological forecast for September 20 - 26, 2011 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): A kind gesture may backfire, when it turns out you've done a big favor for an Evil Wizard. When he decides to lavish rewards upon you, declining his generosity may arouse his ire. Of course, if you LIKE the thought of being in cahoots with a powerful Evil Wizard, then you're golden. A Gemini will be a confidant.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Mercury and Mars indicate that you may be pulled into a Tangled Web! Usually this means some sort of complex interpersonal drama at school, work or home, but it could be an actual web. Any Giant Spiders around where you live? Now might be a good time to avoid them. An Aries sees something you missed.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): You're probably too smart to bet on Professional Sports, but if an animal gives you a sign that seems to indicate who will win an upcoming game, you may want to consider a wager! Remember, talking animals are the most reliable; your family pet may actually be terrible at picking winners. A Sagittarius will be bored by it all.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Your hobby of impersonating a celebrity whom you resemble may go Horribly Wrong, when you cross paths with that very celeb! Imitation may be flattery, but he or she may see it more as Identity Theft. Be ready with a fruit basket and an apology! Politely decline help from a Capricorn.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Diametrically-opposed planetary pull may cause you to have alternating Good Luck and Bad Luck! Pay attention to the rhythm, and you could shape it so the Good Luck gets you a promotion, and the Bad Luck only makes you run out of cereal or something. Get a Scorpios blessing.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): A mysterious accident may cause a book to fall into your hands: The Story Of Your Life! You'll undoubtedly be tempted to peek at the chapters about your future, but knowing what will happen takes a lot of fun out of it. You may be happier just reading about your childhood and reminiscing! A Taurus has a gift.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Predator Alert! Saturn brings a dire warning; you may be at risk of being eaten by a large, hungry carnivore! The stars seem to indicate an Orca, so definitely stay out of the ocean. But they've been known to come far inland, so when the doorbell rings, check to see who it is before opening the door. A Gemini will help out.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Hey, you've got An Idea! The shifting pull of the planets may cause you to be even more impetuous than usual! Stick with small projects, though, or you may lose interest while leading a march on the State Capital. Don't let a Virgo know about this.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Swap-o-rama! Bumping heads with a stranger may cause you to swap bodies! Stay with him or her until you can figure out how to switch back (smacking your heads together repeatedly will only give you terrible headaches). Wearing a helmet may prevent it from happening in the first place! Placate a Libra.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): In a bizarre twist of Fate, thousands of other people will simultaneously think of your idea to sell suction-cup-tipped wooden handles so people can get "A Handle On Things," and eBay with be flooded with them. Such novelty items rarely catch on, though. If you can think of an alternate use for these gadgets, you may cash in when everyone else tries to dump their stock! Talk with a Sagittarius first.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Feeling artistic? Your Muse, stirred by the supportive positions of Venus and Neptune, will shower you with creative ideas, all on a grand scale! Such as filling a public swimming pool with bright-blue pudding, or adorning your city's tallest building with a gargantuan hula outfit! Sure, they're silly ideas, but who's to say they're not Art? Call in favor from an Aquarius.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Saturn is poised to work in your favor! You may be blessed with the ability to say the right thing at just the right time, so be ready! You'll impress those in charge, but may cause jealousy in your coworkers. Don't gloat, when this gift suddenly vanishes it will leave you fumbling. Choose a Pisces last.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN SEPTEMBER:
As cooler weather sets in, revisit the Life Lessons taught by such classics as "The Little Engine Who Could" and "The Medium-Sized Industrial Forge Who Performed Satisfactorily But Never Worked Overtime If He Could Get Out Of It." This will be a year where three of your greatest challenges are inexplicably reduced, and you'll want to be in the right mindset. Casual thoughts around one of your psychic friends leads to a startling confession. You may need to reevaluate everything you thought you knew about Stirling Engines. Your lucky numbers are multiples of 14.5, and your horoscope-enhancing food is pudding. If you make it through September without any unfortunate incidents involving falling space debris, the next twelve months should be a breeze!
Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
By interesting coincidence, I received these letters a few days apart:
Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Everyone says my destiny is to be the focal point of a great magical struggle, but I don't wish to do it any more! Ever since I was eleven years of age (when I first learned that I was accepted to boarding school to study the magical arts) my life has been a constant battle against those who would harm me and my friends. Some are intent on murder, others are merely beastly to us when no professors are watching. If these people didn't initiate their attacks on me, I'd happily let them alone!
What's worst is the constant media attention I've received. The newspapers report my every move, and complete strangers know all the details of my life. This international fixation has even prompted scores of people to write stories about me, and some have me doing terribly naughty things! With other schoolboys! I blush to even think of it, and please don't believe everything you read about me on the Internet.
I see no end to this maelstrom of conflict and celebrity obsession in sight. Is there any way I can have a simple, ordinary life, like a normal person? I'd love to be able to have fish and chips in a pub without a crowd of fans watching my every bite.
-- You Can Probably Guess Who This Is
When I received this, I was prepared to chuck it into the Basket Of No Return, thinking it was one of the many prank letters I receive from bored University students. I mean, it all seems unlikely, doesn't it? Classrooms of children being taught spells? I'd think such a school would go through a ream of form letters that start like this:
We regret to inform you that your child was (check all that apply):
_ Eaten by a troll/gibbering demon/grue/other: ____________________
_ Sucked into an energy vortex/temporal dislocation/cult
_ Driven mad when attempting to learn Potion Control/Hieroscopy/Things
Humans Should Not Know
_ Turned into a frog/aardvark/pudding by a careless classmate.
I mean, really. Children learning magic? Still, there are highly improbably things operating quite cheerfully in alternate universes and parallel dimensions, so I'm willing to go with this.
I'm sure this all seems horrid at the moment, but it won't go on forever. Many people discover they are destined for mythic quests, like finding golden sheepskins, saving kingdoms with swords of power or vanquishing evil bent on global destruction. Most of them quickly sink into obscurity after they accomplish their goal. For example, do you remember the Goobi Brothers? Probably not. They were destined by ancient prophecy to find the Bejeweled Codpiece of the Ancient Mysterians and use it to rescue the twin princesses from Conn the Pitiless. You don't remember them because after they defeated Conn and married the princesses, the public promptly lost interest (aside from some brief attention when they had to face the wrath of the son of Conn). My point is, they suffered from overexposure at the time, but it didn't last. The same will be said of you.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I am really not a bad person. Sure, I've been trying to seize control of the magical segment of the world so I may rule that domain unopposed. And I admit that often my tactics are unsavory, perhaps some might say "Evil," but that's merely because I am passionate about results. I know what I want, and in order to get my way, I'll be... pushy.
My singular obstacle is this one boy. I've attempted a number of times to eliminate him, but he always manages to escape my most elaborate traps, neutralize my diabolical schemes and force me back to Square One. Needless to say, this is destroying my street cred with the other powerful warlocks. I mean, how humiliating is it to be thwarted by CHILDREN!?!?
Can you give me some tips on how to stop him? (I don't HAVE to kill him, but it would certainly be gratifying at this point.) Oh, and any ideas on how to take over the magical realm would help, too.
Please don't print my name, it would be SO uncool if people knew that I was asking for advice.
-- He Who Shall Remain Nameless
A lot of people find satisfaction in a nice hobby, like carving whimsical figures from potatoes. Perhaps you'd do better choosing a diversion like that to enjoy, rather than pursuing conquest. The lifespan of über-ambitious wizards tends to be notoriously short.
As for doing in your nemesis, I'm afraid you're on your own there. I think you should all learn to get along. You don't have to gather for mah-jhongg and barbecues, but if you keep fighting, it's not going to end well. Trust me on this.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
This has nothing to do with Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Prison, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Very, Very Naughty Nurses, Harry Potter and the Order Of The Phoenix, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-to-Dragon, Harry Potter and the Golden Turtle, Harry Potter and the Crystal Vase, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy, Gregory Goyle, Vincent Crabbe, Head Wizard Albus Dumbledore, Professor Minerva McGonagall, Professor Severus Snape, Professor Quirrell, Professor Lupin, Professor Sybil Trelawney, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, Professor Sprout, Peter Pettigrew, Argus Filch, Nearly Headless Nick, Sirius Black, Cornelius Fudge, The Ministry of Magic, the Sorting Hat, Uncle Vernon Dursley, Aunt Petunia Dursley, Dudley Dursley, Dursleys in general, The evil lord Voldemort, Tom Riddle, Basilisks, Hagrid, Buckbeak, Scabbers, Dobby the House Elf, Hogwarts School of Wizardry, Hogwarts Express, George Weasley, Fred Weasley, Percy Weasley, Mrs. Molly Weasley, slashy schoolboy hot sex, Ginny Weasley, Mr. Arthur Weasley, or J. K. Rowling at all.
Or even Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody (aka Barry Trotter and the Shameless Parody), Barry Trotter and the Unnecessary Sequel, or Barry Trotter and the Dead Horse for that matter.