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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER

Date: November 15, 2011
Vol. 8, No. 18

Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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The long-awaited Book Launch Event for my second book is here! Anyone in the Portland area who hasn't gotten their copy of "Ask Dr. Eldritch Volume #2 Why Does My Monster Hate Me?" can do so at the Willamette Writers Annual Book Faire! Go to the Old Church (1422 SW 11th) on Tuesday, December 6th, 2011 at 7:00pm! Admission is free. Refreshments will be served. And many other local authors will be selling their books, so you can do all of your Holiday Shopping at once. And if you're still on the fence after also hearing that I'll be reading from my latest book, I have three words for you: Possible. Wardrobe. Malfunction.

See you there!

Ask Dr. Eldritch Hideout KeypadDr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Using the buffer wheel of your Dremel tool, wear down some of the buttons on the keypad at the entry to your home, lab or fortress. Meddling do-gooders will believe those are the ones used in your access code, and will waste valuable time trying combinations of those numbers. Pro Tip: Set your system so punching any of those numbers triggers a silent alarm!

 

 

 

The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for November 15 - 21, 2011 is as follows:

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Waking up with strange thoughts lately? Planetary retrograde motion may be causing little gremlins to whisper odd things in your ear as you sleep. If you've been getting bizarre urges, they're probably just suggestions from the gremlins. Probably. A Leo sees something more clearly.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Can't wait for the change of seasons? Don't just sit around moping in off-seasonal clothing; sweet-talk your friend who owns a Time Machine! Jump forward for some different weather, and come back so it will be like you were never gone. You'll be in a far better mood! Your forecasts for a Scorpio are dead-on.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Single? The stars say you'll meet an interested person! Someone significantly older than you, but who has a lot of money. A Lot. It may seem wrong to date someone just for their wealth, but it's good to try new experiences, isn't it? It might be Educational! That's two good reasons! Trust a Taurus's memory.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Who's your Nemesis? That one person determined to thwart your personal or professional life? Watch them closely; they're up to something! Maybe if you sat down together, you could just talk it out. It is possible... A Libra shows up late.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Venus, the planet of Love, could bring your Eternal Soulmate into your life! Yes, your Wellspring of Happiness across lifetimes, your One True Love each time you two are reincarnated! If you're currently married to someone else, though, this will be rather awkward. Consult a Capricorn for prophesies.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Benevolence! The stars say you're prone to Acts of Kindness and Generosity! This is very good of you, but don't be fooled by scams while in a giving mood. Resist sending big checks to the "Hormell Center for the Treatment of Vegetarianism." Verify news from a Pisces.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22): The configuration of the Outer Planets indicate this is the perfect time for you to start a new hobby: Jean Splicing! That's the craft of joining parts of different colors and styles of jeans, and making hybrid pants. Give it a try, and maybe you can win a Nobel prize for your efforts! A Virgo predicts your future.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Fame Frenzy! Everyone wants a piece of you! Your fans demand you sign autographs for hours, your publicist lines up multiple back-to-back interviews, and the paparazzi just won't leave you alone! If you're not already famous, then this is a good time to think about your gutters. An Aquarius waxes poetic.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Gratitude! The stars say you should appreciate the Little Things! So if you have any gnomes, pixies, fairies, sprites, leprechauns or Magical Helper Elves in your life, be sure to thank them. Give them some biscuits, or perhaps a day off! Well, just an afternoon, then. Listen carefully to an Aries.

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched by Invisible People? The positions of the Inner Planets indicate that you just might be under such observation! Long-time readers know to keep a can of spray paint handy, for just this situation. Share luck with a Taurus!

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): A stranger on a train offers an interesting proposition. But are you really willing to commit a crime in exchange for financial reward? If the offer happens on an even-numbered day, definitely pass on the opportunity. For odd-numbered days, rely on your own judgment. Good luck. Forgive a Gemini for gloating.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Your Constant Companion acts up! Been watching your shadow lately? Jupiter's pull may cause it to be a bit mischievous. It may poke, grab, pinch or tickle other people when you're not looking, and that's VERY hard to explain. Use a squirt bottle to keep it in line. A Scorpio is in your dreams.

IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN NOVEMBER:
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Grab your amulets and pack your bags, you're going to the magical world of Nomaestrama! You've probably never heard of it. It's one of the lesser-known faery realms, as its primary magical feature is that everyone has an emoticon floating over their head indicating their current mood. Ever since the Nomaestramian economy tanked due to unregulated wish-mining speculation, many beings there have taken second jobs just to cover the rent and their increasing health-insurance costs. So unless you want to see a lot of floating frowny-faces, you might as well just stay home. In other news, your lucky animal for the year is the Banana Slug, and your Auspicious Food Item is the mini-quiche. Accept offers made by cyborgs in Spring and Summer. And finally, this would be a good year to totally rethink your selection of hats.

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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!

>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<

Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:

<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?

Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck,
ASK DR. ELDRITCH! ****************************************************************

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Ask Dr. Eldritch Pod People     You recently mentioned mind-control chips in digital audio players, and I must say you're wrong about that. It's just ridiculous. I have owned several players in the last few years, and I absolutely have not had my mind controlled by anyone. Users get that zoned-out look because they're listening to their favorite music, not from having subliminal messages implanted into their subconscious. So please, no jokes about mindless zombies or "pod people." I'm sure, however, that if anyone did put circuitry to influence cognitive function into audio players, it would only be for the greater good. Eventually everyone would own compatible operating systems and regularly download high-quality music in encrypted proprietary format! I mean, Life is random, but random is the New Order. It's the next big thing! Imagine how great life would be if everyone owned a digital audio player and let The Manufacturer lead the way to a better world! Think different! Switch! Soon there will be one kind of person! Welcome to the revolution!

-- Kevin, under no mind control of any kind

Dear Kevin,
    I would find this less disturbing if I hadn't also received 317 other emails about this, from all over the world, and all virtually identical. I'm not saying this is proof of anything, but if you could control the minds of millions of people, wouldn't you use that power to deny that it exists?

Humanity has longed to control the minds of others ever since Early Man realized others didn't do what Early Man wanted. Bribery and threats have worked well for influencing behavior, but the Holy Grail of mind control has always been complete compliance without the subject being aware that he or she is being influenced. Think about that, Kevin, while you read this brief history of mind control:

1781: Anton "Franz" Mesmer discovers how to make people do odd things when put into a trance-like state, giving us the process that bears his name, "Hypnotism."

1927: Television is invented.

1945: A test subject discovers a chocolate bar in his pocket melted during mind-control experiments using microwaves. Soon after, the first commercial microwave oven debuts. Early models are the approximate size and cost of a VW Bus. Consumers buy them, but can't explain why.

1957: Subliminal images are inserted in movies to sell popcorn and soft drinks. Moderately successful, as sales increase by 18%, but 3% of viewers go on homicidal rampages. Advertisers consider this acceptable losses, but subliminal advertising is outlawed in the US.

1993: An unidentified researcher in mind-control technology bets that he can influence a major election. On an ostensibly unrelated note, Marisa Tomei wins Best Actress in a Supporting Role.

1994: Subconscious Behavioral Modification via television is perfected. Unfortunately, it requires digital HDTV. Policy makers at the FCC are given a demonstration of digital HDTV. The FCC unexpectedly decrees that all full-power TV stations will convert to digital by 2007.

1995 - 2003: Several patents are issued for a variety of "Microwave communication systems using brain wave analysis and/or brain activity."

2003: One of the most successful cognitive-direction programs, tiny chips were implanted in people receiving tattoos or body piercings. Fortunately, the sole purpose of the chips is to create a desire in the target to get more body art. This explains the huge increase in multiple piercings and body-covering tattoos. An unexpected downside is that these forms of expression are now so commonplace that their shock value has worn off, and people are forced to find some other method to announce that they had a traumatic childhood and are angry at their parents.

Which brings us to today, and the supposedly non-existent chips in audio players that wouldn't insert thoughts into people's heads, even if those chips were real, that is. If you still retain the will to resist, wearing an improvised hat of aluminum foil while listening to your digital audio device will mitigate most of the mental effects. The most effective solution is to construct a Faraday Cage around your head, but a metal helmet is simpler.

The best defense for mind-control is to learn to think for yourself. Most people aren't willing to make the effort, and are too embarrassed to wear a foil hat in public, so who knows? Perhaps in the next election, Marisa Tomei will become President.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-Dr. Eldritch

 
(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS! THINK FOR YOURSELF! DON'T DO STUPID THINGS THAT MAKE THESE DISCLAIMERS NECESSARY!
If you need more, read this Advanced Disclaimer!) All content © 2011 Evan Nichols