Ask Dr. Eldritch

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Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho! Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Ask Dr. Eldritch New Girlfriend I am a programmer for a large security company. My new girlfriend is really hot, and very open-minded in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. She's been having money problems, and has dropped hints that maybe I know a way of making lots of money quickly. I do know a loophole in a bank's wire-transfer security that I could exploit, but we'd have to take enough to leave the country for good. The thought of us living rich in a tropical paradise is very tempting, believe me! What should I do?

-- Smitten in Los Angeles

Dear Smitten,
I suspect I know the answers, but there are some questions to be asked first:

  • Does a background check on Miss Hot turn up anything suspicious?
  • Did you meet her just recently, and she hit on you?
  • Does she avoid being seen with you in public?
  • Does she have a scruffy but attractive "brother," who checks on her often?
If the answer to any of the above questions is "Yes," then DUMP HER NOW! I know, you'll miss those bedroom "benefits," but odds are you're receiving some exploitation of your own. Nobody wants to believe that their hot lover is setting them up as a patsy in a secret plot for a grand-scale heist with their actual partner, but it happens all the time. Many tech workers would be completely dateless if it didn't. Fortunately, this broad base of experience gives us some basic Do's and Don'ts for this situation:

DON'T confront her when alone and say "I know what you're doing and I'm going to the police!" That's a quick ticket to a shallow grave.

DO have friends, police, commandos, etc. present when you tell her to go and never return.

DON'T go along with their plan, intending to outsmart them at the last minute. You may be a savant to their idiot, but they've got more experience, guile and cruelty. As a programmer, you believe in goodness and the innate value of every human being. They don't.

DO pack up all her stuff while she's out, so once you give her the boot, you can just shut the door behind her and never let her in again, no matter what she offers to do for you, whenever you want it, repeatedly and without complaining.

DON'T let her persuade you (see above) to do anything criminal or give her information useful to a criminal.

DO change the locks promptly, and watch for signs that she's trying to stay in your life. A bodyguard might be a worthwhile investment until you're sure she's moved on.

DON'T go for one last round of really hot sex before you dump her. On second thought, go for it! You'll be sans partner for a long time, so grab some nice, sweaty memories for those cold winter nights.

In short, keep one step ahead, and don't let your glands make any decisions that should be made by your brain. You'll miss what she did for you, but fill your spare time with Internet chat groups about the buying of obsolete computers in online auctions, and move on. You'll be glad you did.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
If you need more, read this Advanced Disclaimer!) All content © 2008 Evan M. Nichols