Dear Dr. Eldritch,
My destiny is to be the focal point of a great magical struggle, but I don't wish to do it any more! Since eleven years of age (when I was first accepted to boarding school to study the Magical Arts) my life has been a constant battle against those who would harm me. Some are intent on murder, others are merely beastly to me and my friends when no professors are watching. If they didn't initiate their attacks on me, I'd happily leave them alone!

Worst of all is the constant media attention. The newspapers report my every move, and complete strangers know all the details of my life. This international fixation has even prompted scores of people to write stories about me, and some have me doing terribly naughty things! With other schoolboys! I blush to even think of it, and please don't believe everything you read about me on the Internet.

I see no end to this maelstrom of conflict and celebrity obsession in sight. Is there any way I can lead a simple, ordinary life? I'd love to have fish and chips in a pub without a crowd of fans watching my every bite.

-- You Can Probably Guess Who This Is

Dear YCPGWTI,
I was prepared to chuck your email into the Basket Of No Return, thinking it was one of the many prank letters I receive from bored University students. It all seems unlikely, doesn't it? Classrooms of children being taught spells? I'd think such a school would go through a ream of form letters like this:

Dear Parent,
We regret to inform you that your child was (check all that apply):
__ Eaten by a troll/gibbering demon/grue/other: ____________________
__ Sucked into an energy vortex/temporal dislocation/cult
__ Driven mad when attempting to learn Potion Control/Hieroscopy/Things Humans Should Not Know
__ Turned into a frog/aardvark/pudding by a careless classmate.

I mean, really. Children learning magic? Still, there are highly improbably things operating quite cheerfully in alternate universes and parallel dimensions, so I'm willing to go with this.

I'm sure this all seems horrid at the moment, but it won't go on forever. Many people discover they are destined for mythic quests, like finding golden sheepskins, saving kingdoms with swords of power or vanquishing evil bent on global destruction. Most of them quickly sink into obscurity after they accomplish their goal. For example, do you remember the Goobi Brothers? Probably not. They were destined by ancient prophecy to find the Bejeweled Codpiece of the Ancient Mysterians and use it to rescue the twin princesses from Conn the Pitiless. After they defeated Conn and married the princesses, the public promptly lost interest (aside from some brief attention when they had to face the wrath of the son of Conn). My point is, they suffered from overexposure at the time, but it didn't last. The same will be said of you.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I am really not a bad person. Sure, I've been trying to seize control of the magical segment of the world so I may rule that domain unopposed. And I admit that often my tactics are unsavory, perhaps some might say "Evil," but that's merely because I am passionate about results. I know what I want, and in order to get my way, I'll be... pushy.

My singular obstacle is a mere boy. I've repeatedly attempted to eliminate him, but he always manages to escape my most elaborate traps, neutralize my diabolical schemes and force me back to Square One. Needless to say, this is destroying my street cred with the other powerful warlocks. How humiliating is it to be thwarted by CHILDREN!?!?

Can you give me some tips on how to stop him? (I don't HAVE to kill him, but it would certainly be gratifying at this point.) Oh, and any ideas on how to take over the magical realm would help, too.

Please don't print my name, it would be SO uncool if people knew that I was asking for advice.

-- He Who Shall Remain Nameless

Dear HWSRN,
Many people find satisfaction in a nice hobby, e.g. carving whimsical figures from potatoes. Perhaps you'd find greater enjoyment from such a pastime, rather than pursuing conquest. The lifespan of über-ambitious wizards tends to be notoriously short.

As for destroying your nemesis, you're on your own. I believe you should all learn to get along. You don't have to gather for mah-jhongg and barbecues, but if you keep fighting, it won’t end well. Trust me on this.

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch