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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER

Date: February 23, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 9

Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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When nostalgic for shell jewelry, remember that "Puka" are harmless crustaceans, but "Pooka" are mischievous Celtic sprites. Don't assume that a street vendor's "Pooka shell necklace" sign is a typo!

The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for February 23 - March 1, 2010 is as follows:

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Reboot! A serious mistake prompts you to start a new life elsewhere. Remember, ANY contact with your old life may be the link by which you'll be found. You should still subscribe to this newsletter, but under a new name, of course. Put faith in a Libra.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Strange thoughts, indeed! A bout of telepathy leaves you knowing something about a friend that you really didn't want to know. Don't confront them, however; you'll all be happier if you never speak of it. Try to forget those vivid images, too... Beware of a selfish Leo!

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Things are looking UP! Are you watching the skies, looking and listening for Signs of Intelligent Life? Perhaps you should be! The stars indicate a possible reward: You won't find what you expect, but you'll get what you need. Forgo arguments with an Aries.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Break out the Gumby Boots! A swarm of Pixies, Elves, and Fairies might choose your home, garden and/or car as their next camping spot. Be generous with the vanilla, wear your boots and you'll get through this just fine. Fortunately, a Virgo will understand.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Trouble on the Electronic Frontier! Mischievous Mercury stirs up trouble with your high-tech toys. Your computer may achieve Artificial Intelligence. Appease it with a new Solitaire game, and it will leave you alone. Don't underestimate a Sagittarius!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Are you good under pressure? You'll be faced with a difficult decision, and much will be riding on you. You should almost certainly cut the RED wire. Probably. Interesting suggestions from an Aquarius.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Seeing Double? That person you recently met who looks a LOT like you could be planning on escaping his or her life by taking over yours. Get a radical new hairstyle; if they copy it, you'll know something's up. Take Quality Time with a Libra.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): What to do? A cult decides that you're the 19th reincarnation of their Spiritual Leader. The snacks will be good, but you'll have to put up with the kind of petty power struggles commonly associated with junior high school. Ask yourself: Is it worth it? A Pisces is uneasy, unnerved, and upset.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Rewind! Wishing that you're eighteen again just might bring it about! You might THINK that's a good thing, but do you really want to repeat those awkward years? Your memory has just glossed over all the anxieties, angst and painful mistakes. Better to wish for a really good hat. Reminisce with a Capricorn this week.

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Ancient Visitor! A Time Portal thrusts an ancestor forward into the Present. Expect wacky adventures, but don't let them date anyone you know! It just leads to messy questions about the Family Tree. Go for ice cream instead. You'll be in tune with a Gemini all week.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): I would never, NEVER encourage criminal activity, no matter how much the stars favor a multi-million dollar heist of rare art, jewels or bearer bonds, which could be easily converted to enough cash to fund a comfortable retirement in a private tropical island. So don't think I'm suggesting anything, or pointing out just how successful such a venture could be right now. A Sagittarius misunderstands it all.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Listen to the music! Your decision to hang on to that old reel-to-reel player will pay off when you receive a mysterious tape. Secret messages concealed therein will give clues to what you should not do. Unless they're backwards, then do the opposite. A Taurus won't be very sympathetic.

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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!

>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<

Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:

<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?

Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck,
ASK DR. ELDRITCH! ****************************************************************

Dear Dr. Eldritch,
Ask Dr. Eldritch Precog     I think I can predict the future, and now I'm in danger, but I don't know what's going to happen. I mean, I can only see what's just about to occur, but not far into the future. Let me explain:

It all started when a science-geek friend of mine said he'd buy me a steak dinner if I could correctly call ten coin tosses in a row. Well, I did it. He then insisted that we do it again with a different coin and a neutral third party doing the flipping. When I called the next ten correctly, he got all mad and refused to pay up because I must be cheating, but he couldn't tell how. I tried to explain that I was having the weird sensation of knowing how the coin would land, but he wouldn't listen. I went home, shuffled a deck of cards, and tried to name each card before I turned it over. I got them all right. Statistically, isn't that impossible?

Since then I've been experimenting with predicting things, like whether somebody will make a free throw or how many people will be on an elevator when the doors open. I can "see" about ten seconds ahead. I can't predict who will win the next election, and I don't magically know things that I can't observe. For example, I can sit at Starbucks and write down exactly what people are about to order, but I can't tell you their name or anything like that.

I thought all of this was just an interesting quirk, but I swear now there are people following me. I only get glimpses of them, but I have the feeling I'm being watched. There are strange clicks on my phone. I came home yesterday and everything looked like it was where I left it, but not exactly. It's freaking me out.

I tried to research this at the library, but nobody addresses this problem, so I'm turning to you. Am I the only one who can predict the future like this? Who are these people following me? What should I do? Please help!

-- Anxious, but I Can't Say Where

Dear Anxious,
    Congratulations! You have an exciting ability, one that sets you apart from the teeming masses of mundane mortals in a way that no extraneous limb or boy-band tenure can! Be encouraged; your gift is potentially quite useful, but you'll need to take control of your Fate. There are many who would exploit you, so you've done well to seek my advice.

The Good News, and the answer to the first question, is that you are not the only one with this power. However, Precognition isn't common, so there isn't Precogs Anonymous or a Fraternal Order of Precogs Lodge. In fact, most genuine psychics who acknowledge their abilities vanish mysteriously. Which is an argument for eschewing public demonstration of this skill for now (but I'm skipping to question three).

Answer to Question Two: I don't know. They are very likely from one or more of the world's conspiratorial organizations vying for secretive global control or with a vested interest in the success or failure of psychic phenomenon, like the Men In Black, The Grays, Majestic 12, the Illuminati, The Scroll & Key, The Russell Trust, the US Shadow Government, the Canadian Shadow Government, the Trilateral Commission, the Royal Institute of International Affairs, the American Dental Association, Atlantians, The Bilderberg Group, The Brotherhood of the Dragon, the Club of Rome, CSICOP, the Freemasons, the Forteans, The Group, the Jason Group, the Secret Organization of Guys Named Doug, the Order of the Quest, Ordo Templi Orientis, The Open Friendly Secret Society, PI-40 Committee, Princeton Engineering Anomalies Research, the Raëlians, Rosicrucians, or Rastafarians, to name but a few.

Before I tell you what to do, here are three things to NOT do:

Do not tell anyone about your precognitive ability! The more people who know about this, the more chances for information to work its way to the organizations mentioned in Answer Two. You don't want their attention.

Do not show off! You may have fun announcing "I'll get that!" a moment before the phone or doorbell rings, but such behavior will disturb those around you. People do not like to be disturbed, and they will grow to dislike you.

Do not rush out and buy a spandex outfit! You have a handy ability, but not a superpower. Unless you also have tremendous fighting skills, your only advantage during your first encounter with a supervillain may be the ten-second advance notice of your own demise.

First thing on the "Do" list: Separate yourself from your old life. I know it's no fun to leave friends, family, and familiar places forever, but you should. You're going to change your identity, so whoever is following you won't be able to track you down. Where you go depends on whether you want hot weather and a quiet life of anonymity, or long, cold winters with hordes of screaming fans chanting your name.

If you want Quiet Anonymity, you're going to become a Professional Gambler. Not a big-stakes, glitz-and-glamour World Tournament gambler, but a quietly-building-substantial-wealth-through-years-of-moderate-wagers gambler. I hope you like desert heat, because you're moving to Las Vegas.

Once there, you'll set up a routine. Each "working" day you'll make the rounds of a few hundred slot machines. You don't want to be seen frequenting the same ones, so go different places every day. Fortunately, almost every business has a few machines, even grocery stores and churches, so you could check a hundred slots a day, and never visit the same place twice in a year. Drop a few coins in some losing machines, then find a winner. Take your money, and move on. You want jackpots of no more than a few hundred dollars, so don't play the big money slots. Remember, don't draw attention to yourself. You should be able to gross over six figures with only a few hours of "work" each day!

Learn Baccarat and have a few sessions at the tables each month. Lose every fifth or sixth hand, and don't win more than a few thousand dollars at any one place. Again, switch around. You don't want to be recognized as a regular winner (Casinos only love big winners if they're also big losers). You'll quickly build a comfortable retirement fund. (The IRS will be interested in your winnings, so you'll have to declare something. I can't advise you to conceal anything from them, but who can keep track of all that cash?)

If you crave attention, move to Canada, strap on your skates and become a pro hockey goalie. Your "preflexes" will allow you to know where the puck is going to be, so stopping it will be comparatively easy. Your phenomenal success will quickly draw offers from the top teams, and fame and adulation (from hockey fans, anyway) will be yours. Nobody else pays any attention to hockey, so your ability will essentially remain secret.

Whether you select gambler or goalie, chances are you'll eventually end up in a dangerous situation where your ability will mean the difference between life and death, but that's to be expected. Until then, I hope you find happiness in your new life, whichever direction you choose!

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-- Dr. Eldritch

 
(DISCLAIMER: Anyone intelligent enough to be reading this should understand 1) Satire, and 2) That following the advice given may result in physical, mental, or spiritual harm to beings living, dead, or undead. The author does not suggest that anyone other that the originator of any given letter follow his advice, and cannot be held liable if anyone else does.
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