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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: March 2, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 10
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Those new High-Efficiency Toasters work by generating a quantum-inductance field, which oscillates between acting like waves and particles. Directly observing the field can freeze it into one form, causing it to overheat and suck the observer into the resulting Energy Vortex. So never look into an operating toaster without first being secured by a heavy-duty safety line!
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for March 2 - 8, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): We fear Change! It's not all bad, though, when Mars's pull causes you to wake up one day in a strange place, with a new job, new friends, and a new life. Relax and have fun with it! Things will work out for the best! An Aries is in a slump.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Bargain Hunters, Rejoice! A spontaneous trip to the thrift stores brings a worn-looking cape to your attention. Snap it up! An ugly color it may be, but it will have Mysterious Powers, like invisibility or protection from mimes! A Gemini makes time for you.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): You are getting sleeeeepy! Saturn's mesmerizing power causes you to be accidentally hypnotized and subjected to some quirky post-hypnotic suggestions. No harm will be done, but you'll be asked to never return to a certain grocery store. Call on a Capricorn for support.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Leapin' Logophilia! Your love of words may be richly rewarded when you find that anything you write promptly becomes true. You'll only have a small window while this works, so focus on your heart's desire, not your grocery list! An Aquarius has a scheme!
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Freeze! Time slows or stops altogether around you, leaving you at large in an otherwise motionless landscape. Use this to your advantage, but please, no cruel practical jokes. Surprise from a Pisces.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Instant Karma Week! The combined forces of the inner planets cause your Acts of Kindness to be bountifully rewarded in surprising ways, IF you're not just being nice to receive the reward. Makes it tricky, huh? Perhaps you should just forget I mentioned it. A Scorpio brings up past mistake.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Danger! Normally, your risk of being attacked by robots is about the same as your chances of being bitten by a feral clown. But an angry Mars indicates your Robot Risk Level is high! Water will short them out, so keep a fire hose handy. Expect a quarrel with a Taurus.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Be alert! If you're ever going to see any Mythical Beasts, this is the week! They are usually quite skittish, but can often be lured closer by tasty treats! Carry an assortment. Maybe you'll get to see the Invisible Pink Unicorn! Missed connection with an Aries.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): What do you see when you let your mind wander? What you assume are daydreams could be messages from another dimension! Do the symbols mean something profound? Probably not, but they could give you a good idea for a TV show. A Leo is unusually quiet.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): The week starts with a bang! Literally. The angle of Mercury and Venus means you should expect things around you to burst and pop like fireworks. Don't worry, the stars don't indicate anything big, but wear eye protection! You find item a Scorpio lost.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Grab the phrase book! A bout of glossolalia leaves those around you scratching their heads. Have some fun with it! But if you're to appear in court or testify before Congress, you should probably call in sick. Seek Hidden Wisdom from a Virgo.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Got a good alibi? You might need one, if grumpy Uranus (the most awkwardly-named planet), brings about a false accusation of a crime! Be steadfast, help will come from a surprise witness. And wear nice socks. Tell an Aquarius about a dream.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN MARCH:
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Of course your recurring dreams about puffins are significant, but don't expect to understand why before mid-winter. Until all is made clear, occupy yourself with a new hobby, like unicorn spotting or gastromancy. You'll think about trampolines more this August than you have in any given year. If your computer doesn't have one already, you should probably invest in a hypoallergenic mouse. Not surprisingly, you should avoid operating heavy machinery during periods of high sunspot activity. Remember, not all problems can be solved with a hammer, but most can be reduced to a simpler problem with one.
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
If it's not a bother, could you tell me if I've become a ghost?
About a year ago, I was a retired small-town schoolteacher in my late seventies, living alone in a large house that has been in my family for generations. Apparently there were rumors in town that I had a fortune hidden away, although I have no idea how anyone thought I could accumulate wealth on a teacher's salary! Unfortunately, some boys took these stories seriously, and broke into my house on Halloween. Well, perhaps, "broke into" is a bit strong, as I never locked my doors. They just walked in and were poking about. I heard them sneaking around downstairs, and was going to give them a stern talking-to, but I ran headlong into one of the boys at the top of the stairs. I admit, I shrieked, as I was a tad startled, not really frightened, but he hollered and bolted to the stairs as if the Devil himself were after him. Somehow we tripped each other up, and he stumbled all the way down, but I fell and my neck was broken.
Well, they weren't bad boys, just a bit foolish, so they did tell their parents and an ambulance soon arrived, along with every police officer in town (it's really a nice little town, and they have so little to do, I'm sure this was the most exciting thing that's happened for them all year). I tried to tell them I was fine, but nobody paid any attention to me and I eventually realized that the person they were all clustered around was me, or my physical body, at least. Somehow my consciousness had become separated from my person, and I am now unable to leave this house, even after they took my body away in their van. I don't really feel like a ghost, but I suppose that is what I have become.
Since then, several families have moved in, as it is a very pleasant house, but they don't stay very long. I admit that when the first family arrived, I attempted to communicate, but I'm afraid I only terrified them. By the third family, I tried to stay in hiding so as to not frighten them as well, but you cannot imagine how boring it is to be undead! I like rocking in my chair at night, but if a family member heading for a midnight snack sees that, out comes the "For Sale" sign.
I thought retirement was tedious, but at least I could make myself a nice cup of tea and reread "Pride and Prejudice." Am I doomed to wander the halls of this house forever? Am I supposed to wreak terrible vengeance on those who wronged me? I dare say my heart's not really in it. Thank goodness for the Internet, or I would have no communication with the outside world at all. I do hope you can help me...
-- Ms. Emma C., retired.
Dear Ms. Emma,
I believe that should be "expired," not "retired!" Ha ha ha! Sorry, I shouldn't joke. Please accept my condolences for your accidental demise and subsequent haunting! It must be difficult. You do seem to be taking it well.
Most letters I get are from people trying to AVOID becoming dead, so most of my advice won't apply. If you'll allow me to "school the teacher" for a moment, I'll cover the basics, so we're all on the same page:
Most people successfully shuffle off the Mortal Coil and settle in to Push Up Daisies, join the Heavenly Choir, carouse in Valhalla, or whatever it is that happens to them. A few, yourself included, only make a partial transition, and are stuck between this world and the next. This transitory state, as you've noticed, is even less interesting than a day in a bus station, even if they both seem eternal. At least in a bus station you COULD touch things and interact with the other people there, even though you would rather not.
Academics debate whether people achieve a "living impaired" state because they have unfinished business, or merely because they've passed away before their time, usually by violence or accident. Either way, you're not doomed. Sure, you're a restless spirit walking the Earth, but it doesn't have to be Purgatory. There are even a few positive things about your situation: You don't need to eat or sleep, being sedentary poses no health risks, and you have absolutely no social obligations. Of course, being dead will teach you patience, even if you didn't want to learn.
Since you don't seem bent on revenge, that's probably not your ticket out. You're more likely destined to find a living person who can help you complete what is unfinished in your life. I don't know what it is; that's for you to figure out. Don't worry; while you've frightened the living people you've encountered so far, not everyone is scared of the differently metabolically-abled.
The good news is that you have other options for filling your time than rattling chains and moaning. The Internet wasn't created with the metaphysically handicapped in mind, but it's your window to the world. While most people who incessantly post to Internet news groups have no life, only about 1% of them are technically not living any more. Like most sub-groups, these online After-Death Netizens have their own lingo, and prefer to call themselves "revenants" rather than "ghosts." Find a revenant news group that matches your style and temperament, and you will have a community to keep you company for the millennia. You'll either find your purpose or eventually go gently into that good night. Have a good Afterlife!
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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