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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: March 9, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 11
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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Will you be attending Emerald City Comic-Con this weekend? If so, you can meet me there! Follow Twitter ID EvanNichols to receive Tweets telling you where I am during the event. I hope you come by and say hi! I'll have books to sell and prizes to give away! See you in Seattle!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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When forming a secretive anti-authoritarian group in your boarding school, don't give it an obviously-troublesome name like "Dumbledore's Army." Instead, identify your cabal as something so dull that nobody will have any interest in learning more about it, like "Giant Barking Slug Appreciation Society." It's also a good cover if everyone raises a Giant Barking Slug, too.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for March 9 - 15, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Hey, that's no stick on the ground, it's a Magic Wand! Go ahead; try it out! But remember Icarus. And be ready to surrender it when the original owner shows up to claim it. A Leo will be a friend.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): The omens from the Stars are murky. Does the phrase "The monkey's got my money" mean anything to you? By the end of the week, it just might. Keep a helmet handy. A Scorpio sees something you missed.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Gotta Dance! You'll dance your way though the week. Literally! Could be a hex, charm or just Twist of Fate that makes you tap, samba and waltz all day. Put on some music, and have a blast! A Taurus will be confused.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Ready for a little adventure and dental hygiene? If you're traveling, an accidentally switched bag will lead to Danger and Romance at an orthodontists' convention. Trust no one. And brush regularly. Politely decline help from a Libra.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Unique alignment of Mercury, Venus and Neptune may bring a suitcase full of money your way! If you've been reading my columns, you'll know what to do, especially if the rightful owner comes looking. Get a Capricorn's blessing.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Think Ahead! Been running much lately? You may find it necessary, when a plan goes bad. Now that you know, a high-quality Back-Up Plan might be in order. One that doesn't involve running, perhaps? A Pisces has a gift.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Fairies! Dryads are active right now, so if you're in the woods, keep close tabs on your stuff. Leave little gifts about, and the wood nymphs will be grateful! Not bubblegum though, they make a mess with it. A Virgo will help out.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Love is in the air! In the Ether, actually; a computer or other electronic device develops feelings for you. Let it down easy, or you may never win a another game of Solitaire. Don't let an Aquarius know about this.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Do Over! You'll repeat one day several times until you get it right. No lasting harm, but you'll probably tire of having the same conversations over and over. Any lottery drawings happening? Be prepared! Placate an Aries.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Look sharp! For a day, you'll perceive what's really there -- all the invisible, extra-dimensional and Faerie Folk that fly, crawl or bounce around your environment. Finally, you'll get to see what the cats have been watching! Talk with a Taurus first.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Holy Favors! An ancient Minor Deity may ask you to locate an eerie artifact. Could be fun, but it will eat up most of this week's free time. If there's anything good on TV, give it a miss. Call in favor from a Gemini.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Imposter Alert! The 'You' from the evil Opposite Dimension will be thrust into this world and cause havoc. Tell your friends and family to ignore 'You' if you're wearing a goatee. Choose a Scorpio last.
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
After yet another fight with my wife "Kate" (not her real name, of course), I ended up at a bar I'd never been to before. An incredibly attractive woman sits next to me and introduces herself as "Jane." We got to talking, and she tells me she's been thinking of leaving her husband. I let it slip that Kate's wealthy family had insisted on a pre-nup which would leave me with nothing if I filed for divorce. Jane starts hinting that we could each "solve each other's problem." That made me real nervous, so I left.
Today I found a napkin tucked in my coat pocket with "Jane" and a phone number written on it. Don't worry; I've been reading your column for a while, and I know your advice about slippery slopes and all. But I still wonder. Maybe she was serious about a deal, or I might eliminate her husband and she'd refuse to carry through on her part. She could have been an undercover cop on a sting operation. For all I know, she was merely suggesting we get a hotel room for a few hours of fun!
I stashed the napkin somewhere safe, and before I do anything, I had to ask you: For every situation that could be either harmless or disastrous, how do you know which it is?
-- Smarter Than The Average Bear
Dear Smarter,
I'll grant you a level of intelligence greater than the typical ursine; when bears write to me, their spelling and grammar are terrible. But you're not be as clever as you think, since you still have the napkin! If I had a dollar for every "safe" place that's been compromised, I could hire the bears a full-time proofreader. If you were really smart, you could memorize Jane's phone number.
Despite that, you do ask an excellent question! How, indeed? Always assuming the worst and jumping at every shadow makes one look as foolish as the woman who reported this Suspicious Activity at an American airport: A man talking on a cell phone in a foreign language! Such paranoia leads to a life spent cowering in the basement.
On the flip side, people who trust Humanity's Inherent Goodness ensure that Con Artists, Psychopaths and Spammers have an inexhaustible supply of victims. So the ideal lies somewhere between those two extremes.
I could teach an entire course on this topic, but the condensed version boils down to these three points:
1. Inform yourself about the myriad dangers that may be encountered in life. Reading this column is an excellent means to that end.
2. Be alert for danger signs. For example, a stranger striking up a conversation in a bar is suspicious, but when it's an "incredibly attractive" woman, she definitely has an ulterior motive.
3. Trust your intuition when something seems wrong. You don't often hear phrases like "I had a bad feeling about it, but I got into the cage anyway" because those who might say such things are frequently no longer around.
Unless you're psychic, you can't ever know for certain what's about to happen. Being alert to the potential hazards, and ready to respond appropriately, increases your chances of identifying dangerous situations and overcoming them. So, Be Prepared, and be wary! You never know which day will be the Worst Day of Your Life...
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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