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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: March 16, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 12
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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Monday is Cybernetic-American Awareness Day! On March 22nd, we celebrate the fourth annual world-wide celebration promoting equal rights for all Artificial Beings, such as self-aware computers, robots, cyborgs and androids. I want to post a bunch of Reader contributions to the event, so come up with your best slogan, poster, video or other artwork, and email it to contest (which is suffixed with @askdreldritch.com, naturally)! I'll try to post everything I receive, and the best ones will win signed copies of my book. What's best? Submissions with the look and feel of "awareness day" promotional materials that capture the cybernetic nature of the day, especially with a humorous twist. You can see previous CAAD comics to inspire you!
You've got all weekend, so get to it! And have a happy Cybernetic-American Awareness Day!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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You may believe that you'll respond instantly when someone yells "RUN!", but unless you practice in advance, your last words may be "What? Why?"
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for March 16 - 22, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Jolly good fun! You become embroiled in a blackmailing scheme involving a city comptroller, smuggled antiquities and an aventurine monkey. If you want to give it a miss, stay out of the tanning salon all week. Travel with a Scorpio.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Trust your intuition! Saturn's perked up your precognition, so you'll know what's about to happen. Good time for lottery picks, sports bets and exciting rescues. Careful though, things will return to normal all sudden like. Cheer up a Taurus.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Look over there! That attractive stranger is actually a Muse! If you're creative or artistic, use your time together to produce your life's masterwork! If you're not, well, maybe you could paint your dresser or something. Close friend reveals he or she is an Aquarius.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Shocking! The Stars predict a freak accident that imbues you with the powers of an electrical device you're using! If you're lucky, it will be your computer, and not the can opener or vacuum cleaner or something like that. A Gemini shows surprising qualities.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Who said that? Mental whispers in your mind guide you to take action, but for what purpose? It could be a Voice of Evil, or Subliminal Advertising, which are basically the same thing. Act wisely! An Aries cheers you on!
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Get ready to dodge flying pies and squirting flowers! You'll stumble into a plot by a group of clowns, who knows what mayhem they're attempting? You can avoid the slapstick by hiding out in the library, if you prefer. A Sagittarius will shirk responsibility.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Powerful Words Week! The Wanderers shape a power vector causing your metaphors to become literal! So saying "Easy as Falling off a Log" will bring a tumble from an actual log. This may sound like fun, but it could bite you in the... you know. A Capricorn is angry with you.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Stars are unclear; it seems a Tome of Great Power will come into your life, but it might just be something by Zig Ziglar. Still, could be an interesting read. Pass notes with a Libra.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): This is a good week to wear your hand-made coat of bubble-wrap. Don't have one? Maybe you should! The reason will become quite clear, and you'll be glad for the extra protection. What is a Pisces not saying?
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): How many times have you woken up in an unfamiliar hotel room in a strange city with a metallic taste in your mouth and wearing clothes you don't recognize and a tinfoil hat? Well, it's going to happen again. Have bus fare handy. A Virgo catches your math error!
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): An emotional whirlwind, as a bout of Empathy leaves you feeling the emotions of those around you! Just remember that they're not YOUR feelings, and try to cheer up others! Waffles, anyone? A Libra wants to be useful.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Evil spell or radioactive mutants? Either way, your neighborhood may be terrorized by giant chickens! What would be the Achilles Heel of oversized poultry? Better figure it out! A Leo has been through this.
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I write you from the deepest abyss of suffering; I am trapped in a hellish existence not of my own making, without recourse or end. I long for the termination of my dolor, and have many times taken up the bare bodkin to shuffle off this mortal coil, but am cursed with just enough spiritual doubt to prevent self-destruction. I turn to you for succor, that my misery may be abated.
What causes me such torment? I have a human form, but I am not human. I am a creation; like a golem of flesh, I have been constructed from dead bodies stolen from the grave and animated by a demented genius. Concerned only with his self-glorification, he neglected to consider how I might experience this ungodly awakening. I tried to articulate the swirling tempest of emotions raging through my being, but in vain. He never attempted to understand, merely labored to control me, treating me as a possession, not as a sentient but frightened being. Much to my shame and regret, I lashed out violently, and he has gone to the great unknown where I crave to follow.
Since then, I have wandered the earth, fruitlessly seeking comfort in this world, desiring release to the next, yet fearing that transition. Everyone I meet flees from me in terror, or pursues me with torches and pitchforks. How do you humans survive from day to day? Life is an unending travail of pain and misery. My component parts once lived naturally and must have coexisted with others, but this artificial existence is met only with fear and rejection.
What can I do? Must I become a recluse, enduring each day in solitude until taken by the sweet escape of Death? I am not a monster (and please, don't use the "F" word, I'm so SICK of hearing that)! How can I find acceptance?
-- Don't Call Me Frank
Dear Not-Frank,
I'm not a reanimated patchwork of bygone body parts, so I can only imagine what it must be like, but I would think, in the patois of today's youth, that it sucks. You have my sincere sympathy.
With that said, I would suggest you consider the possibility that Life is NOT the steaming pile you find it to be. Obviously, you've had a bad time, and aren't exactly receiving a warm welcome by the general population. You feel misunderstood, outcast, and alone. Well, guess what? LOTS of people experience this. For most of them, It's called High School.
Every year, thousands of young people become teenagers and realize that the world is divided into two camps: Those who are of average ability, looks, intelligence, and socio-economic background (the "Normals"); and Those Who are Not (the "Others"). Fortunately these Others, the socially awkward, disaffected, unattractive, insecure, artistic, intellectual, poetic, weird, warped or just plain geeky teenagers*, find refuge in the tolerant and accepting realm of science-fiction/fantasy fandom. This is your new home, where outlandish costumes are commonplace, social-ineptitude is overlooked and fluency in fictitious languages revered.
Here's what you do: Get a publicist that specializes in alternate entertainment celebrities. Have him or her book you for a few interviews, and watch the invitations to speak at conventions pour in! In the "Real World" you've been hated and feared, in the Fandom Universe, you will attain celebrity status beyond your wildest dreams. Don't believe me? Your very existence affirms that there is a world beyond suburban teen hell. You'll have to fight them off with a pitchfork.
As a side note, your Life-Is-Misery attitude will be very popular with the Goth crowd. Since you actually have justification for your angst, they'll be hooked faster than if you were a heroin latte. Just remember to continue the act once you find yourself loved and accepted, or your fans might risk seeing that they could choose to be happy. The last thing you want to do is push aside the curtain of self-delusion for your audience!
As your schedule gets busier, be sure to include some down time. You could find yourself yearning for the simplicity of the solitude you currently experience. Check back with me in a year or so. By then, you may find this long strange trip is not so bad, after all.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
* Before my readers send angry mail: Not all of those affiliated with the "Other" group are social misfits. Some are merely bright, healthy people who get along better with the Others than the Normals. You know who you are.
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